How do I tell my mother that the reason that my daughter can never spend the night is because her husbad was a pedophilic voyeur when I was a child and left me a little f***** up in the head because of it and that we don't want to put our child at risk.

She wants her to spend the night from tuesday till we go there on Thursday...


My husband has given a few "reasons" to give my mother without being direct, but those things can't hold water forever. Its gonna come up eventually...



:(

The reasons he suggests I give her is that we had Thanksgiving crafts planned ofr the kids, that she is going to bake the pies for thursday with very little help from us..

He also mentioned that we are fasting and although the kids still get milk and dairy my mother will probably not honor our request to keep the diet a "fasting" diet, thus sending conflicting messages about the importance of it to our faith...But I don't think that telling my mother that will help..

Well, if your mom KNOWS about your past history with her husband, then why not tell her the truth? Or is she in denial about the whole thing?

Stop making excuses and tell her... :dunno:

I didn't read all the responses but this I can tell you an I apologise if it's already been said. DO NOT be dishonest. DO NOT lie. DO NOT make up excuses. It's that simple, you are the parent an your word is law. If folks don't like it then that's jes really to bad. I would imagine though your mom doesn't believe that you were abused er the like an cain't see the problem, er maybe you never mentioned it to er I don't know. But this is YOUR child an you must do what is needed to protect er.

SHe is somewhat in denial. She denies that he watched me as frequently and as often as it really happened. Says that is my imagination. :rollseyes:

I told her yesterday that Anneliese is making decorations and making th pumpkin pie and that we will be really busy these next 2 days.

I agree with you all that the truth must be told. When it finally comes up its gonna be hard. We got over the little hill yesterday but I can see the mountain on the horizon.. :sigh:

I do think that the longer you wait and more excuses you make, the harder it'll be. I'd just come out and tell her. She will NEVER stay at your house if he's there.

:agree: Not that it'll be easy OR fun, but just lay it out in the open, like A2J said YOU guys are the parents, period.

Whats her number I'll call and tell her for you.....

You have to lay it on the line...

No because her hubby did this to you no, sorry if she wanta to come there and spend the night with the kids fine.... he stays home....

String, it seems the responses here are fairly consistent and I also agree.

Making excuses will not work and in reality is not the truth. I agree with Louis, don't lie, don't make excuses, just tell the truth.
It will be very hard, I'm sure and there may be consequences but truth is always the most important thing.

It will also deal with it once and for all. Let her know that she may not agree with you but as parents you and Basil have made the decision that your children will not stay with them while he is present and that is not going to change.

Apart from the consequence of lying at any time, in this case it only means you will have to face this over and over and over again.

I would rather be free of it and get the truth out in the open.

Hey, If you let us know what you are going to do and when, I'm sure all of us here would be happy to support you both in prayer.


As far as the decision about not letting the kids stay there, you are absolutely doing the right thing. Statistically, those who prey on children in any form at all, are unlikely to ever be cured or stop doing it. That is not to say they can't be forgiven, we know they can, BUT children can not be trusted with them again. The risk is too high and the children too vulnerable. As a parent you are doing the right thing to protect them from any exposure to such danger.

Praying for you String :pray: :hug:

Hope

Well said, Hope............

Yeah, String, I forgot to say that regardless of whether you tell her the "real" reason or not at this time, you ARE doing the right thing by not letting your precious babies stay at their house.

:hug:

Thanks for everyone's support. Given the precentage of girls who are victimized by male relatives, I refuse to take any chances with our daughter.

As far as telling String's parents the reason Anneliese can't stay overnight, I guess I'm just chicken. I'll admit that. I'm afraid that the working relationship we currently have with them will be destroyed. Right now they come and visit at least once a month and we go to their house about once a month for an entire day. I personally don't have much in common with her step-dad, but I like the fact that things are comfortable enough for us to get along. If telling her Mom strains their marriage, estranges us from them, and thereby affects our kids relationship with them, then I don't want to do that.

Ultimately any fallout that occurs is the pervs fault, I know, but I feel like we should have pity on him. He deserves our forgiveness, but he definitely will not be given any opportunity to be tempted to molest our daughter. A few weeks ago he mentioned how pretty Anneliese is becoming and I about :puke: .

I don't mean to be the dick here but since that is my name...

I look at it this way if the saftey of the children (or even just one child) is being looked over because of not wanting to hurt a realtionship.... priorites are out of order.....


Sorry if I had a stepdad that did something like that and my ma and he wanted the kids I'd lay it on the line and if they didn't like it and wanted to walk out of my life fine f-bomb them I dont' need them. I'll miss them but my kids' saftey come first... and I'd be careful witht he boys too because sometimes pervs just dont' stick to one gender.....

Don't get me wrong, she won't be spending the night with them, so I'm definitely not putting the relationship before my girl's safely. I just think that normally we are busy with many things, so it's not lying to use these other legitimate reasons to say no, rather than potentially having a big blowout. You guys are probably right, that it will eventually have to be dealt with. :hide:

It'll come out regardless...either now or in a few years... :dunno:

Uh, hello? Red flag!

Get over your "chickenness" and settle this ASAP before something does happen.

I mean, it's one thing for grandpa to comment on their grandchildren's beauty, but from what you guys have posted, this is one heckuva PERVY grandpa....

I agree with Raspy, you need to be very careful with the boys too. It is a fallacy to think this will stay focussed on the female gender only.

If you visit them for an entire day regularly and they visit you, I would be VERY VERY VERY careful about knowing where your children are and where String's stepdad is at all times, even 5 mins. 'IF' he wants to look or anything else, he is likely to take any short opportunity he gets and that is enough to hurt your kids.

People with these issues rarely truly reform and are always subject to temptation.

This is like a balloon... if you don't bleed the pressure and just keep blowing it up eventually it's gonna pop and it's gonna be ugly.