I'm sorry I've been away for so long. Not sure where to begin, but I'll just briefly describe what is going on in my life.

Last year I had to take time off work due to depression and just losing it all together. This was from Jun-Sep'06. I was forced to go back to work, though I was not well yet at the end of Sep. I had been praying and stepping out in faith for quite some time regarding my engineering career.

After much prayer on my part and that of many people, and very specific signs God answered (took 4 times), that I finally listened and gave my notice at the end of Oct'06 that I would be retiring from engineering and leaving the company I had worked for over 8 yrs for. I would take vacation from right before Christmas for a month and come back to quit in mid-January.

Henry, my husband, was fine with all this, encouraged me. Unbeknownst to me, that summer, he was involved in at least one fling with one of our daughter's somewhat single moms. In October, he got involved with another woman, this one much older than me, and probably older than my mother.

I had been busy traveling, working at my engineering job, doing kids' stuff with our children, working full time also in my stock trading business. I tried to leave time for my marriage, which I thought I was. Henry worked from home and with me not paying attention or may not asking him too many questions about his whereabouts, he began this other affair with this other woman - Cathy.

I always thought my husband was flirty and had too many women friends, but he often poopoo'd me. I believed my husband loved me, cared about our marriage, our family because he didn't have the ideal family and was super dysfunctional.

He did mention certain friends and assured me there was nothing to worry about. I believed him, though I was not comfortable with him going to lunch alone with other women. He ignored my requests to not have lunch alone with other women throughout the years, and I learned to just tolerate this. I had gone to lunch with other men alone (my friends) and everything was always on the up and up, so I didn't really think too much about this. He was always expressing and judging other people who had affairs, so I never thought he could do this to me.

Well, longer story short, when I left my engineering job and was home all the time, things seemed amiss in our marriage. I kept prodding to see if I could find out what the deal was. In February, some signs of things not right began revealing themselves. By my birthday in March, shortly before, he told me he never loved me, does not love me and some awful things. Happy Birthday, Doris.

By our 7th anniversary on Easter Sunday, I spent that weekend alone. I had arranged for my kids to be at their aunts' and uncles' for the whole weekend and was going to have us go to a fancy hotel, but I couldn't come up with the money to do that, we didn't. Shortly after the kids left on Friday, Henry told me more horrible, mean, demeaning, awful things about me, our marriage, how he felt about me. Tears streamed down my face, as I was heartbroken. He left that evening. At the time, he still hadn't admitted he was in an affair.

I asked, but he neither denied or said he was. I cried the majority of the weekend as I was dumbfounded as to what was happening. I went to church, and was a wreck. 3 days later, I found proof on Henry's computer (as I was doing some security management of his trojans and viruses) that he and Cathy had the weekend (my anniversary weekend) all planned out. She said she was praying for him as he would tell me those awful things. I'm suspecting she was praying to Satan, as I do not see how one could pray to God of the Bible to destroy a family and marriage and that being right.

Henry said I caused him to marry him and it was under duress. As some of you know my history and have had quite a bit of dealing with me, yes, I am detailed, but I have a big heart and I'm a person that greatly loves. The person that Henry described me to be sounded like witch and horrible person, which is not the godly woman that I am. I'm no saint and have my share of baggage and issues, but I truly do believe I have a heart after God, and sincerely seek after Him.

There is one thing to the story, though, that I left out. I developed this friendship with a man on the internet who lives about 2K miles from me over the past several years. He'd become one of my best friends and emotionally, we formed a super tight bond. He's the closest person I am to emotionally in the world. Yes, you can term this an emotional affair. There was some physical contact one time, but we did not have sex. I know, this does not make any of it right and I am 100% in the wrong for it. My husband does know about it, as I told him, because my own constience would not allow me to lie.

My husband throughout our marriage knowingly knew my needs, he admitted, and he knowingly withheld physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual intimacies from me. Those were things I really needed and he said he did that purposefully. How wrong is that? He knew that eventually I would go to another man for what he was not giving me, and I did, because I couldn't understand why he would do such a thing. Guess he really didn't love me, rather tolerated me, even hating me.

He said my very touch made him want to vomit, that I repulsed him so much. Imagine having those words said to you? There have been only 2 men I have loved so deeply in my life that I wasn't related to: Henry, and this other man. Loving Henry has always been a choice, even when he said and did things that were awful. I learned that the stuff I put up with about him was very much emotional abuse. Henry has never been physically abusive.

I have believed that God would transform my marriage, but I'm seeing that I probably will have to let go of that and my marraige. The more I submit to God, the worse things get. Henry has been downright emotionally cruel. He moved out the week before Father's Day. Also, unbeknown to me, he has been doing other questionable side jobs that I am appalled at.

Henry does not hardly provide financially for the kids and I. He's given me $1100 for April - July. I guess each kid is worth $137.50/month to him. He did, however, muster up the courage to send me a picture of the bed he's screwing Cathy in, and to call the police on me because he wasn't getting his way with the kids.

I have tried not to express anything bad about Henry to the kids or in front of them. They are having a hard time, at times, dealing with all of this. I will need to get counseling for them.

My request is that you pray for us and our financial situation. I am trusting God to help me in my trading to generate the money the kids and I need to live on, as well as pay all our bills and debts. Henry is doing his own thing and does what he wants to do. He pops in when it's convenient for him to be a dad or whatever, attempting to take authority over our household, the one he left.

I am accountable to my church and other godly women for my actions, particularly in the relationship with the other man, which I have been ordered to dissolve and have done that. I have not sought legal counsel yet, nor psycho Christian family counseling either. I only have enough funds to live on for the next month and beyond that, I don't know what I'll do unless God intervenes and provides through trading or other means.

God has worked in me tremendously in the areas of faith, trust, hope....provision. I spend time daily in His Word, in worship (many days), prayer, being involved in my church. I am, however, a very sexual woman and this can be a stumbling block. Since all this stuff has been revealed in my marriage, I've had more men hit on me and be more aggressive to me than ever. My need for touch, intimacies are high, but I keep going to God to be my husband to fill my needs here, so as to not fall into sin. Where I fail right now is in my thoughts at times, and even in some of my relationships, I feel like meeting up with some of my male friends.

I know obviously that would be wrong and I want to be a woman after God's own heart. I am a woman after God's own heart. I have had women pray over my house and my household. I have a lot of godly support. My church and others have come to love on me greatly. I have shared with them my sexual temptations, as well as discouragement, etc.

That's where I am. I don't know that I can spill my guts that often, but please pray. I have never been in a financial situation or burden as such, but I'm believing in God as I step out in faith to do what He has called me to do, which is to trade stocks. He continues to send people my way to teach trading to, so I know He can grow my accounts and that money can be used to live on, pay off debts, give to His Kingdom & work, and to help others.

Thank you,
Doris

:( :pray:

wow.

Thank you for coming back, Doris - and for sharing what is so heavy on your heart.

We're all family here; we're your brothers and sisters. We will pray to God for His healing in your life - that His will be done.

In Jesus' name,
Amen.

Doris~you are a part of our family, and we'll be welcoming you back with open hearts and open arms.

I am SO SORRY to hear of what you've been through and what you're going through. I will definitely keep you and your children in my prayers.

Please, come back here anytime you need to talk, or just for prayer.

:hug: :pray:

That's tough. :( You have my prayers.

Hi Doris,

I'm the one who pm'd you the other day 'over there' :wave: Glad to see you back here.

I want you to know how much I relate to your story and how much I empathise with what you are going through. While there are some differences, it is amazing how many similarities there are in our stories.

When my husband left he said all the same things to me, almost word for word. How he never loved me, how he found me repulsive, how miserable he was with me and how all the plans and dreams we had talked about together he had been dreading doing with me.
It was awful to hear all that and I know how painful that is. He also denied his affair and to this day says it had nothing to do with why he left. It was all about how hard it was to be married to me.
I also suffered emotional abuse throughout my marriage although I didn't realise to what extent until I was out of it and started to realise the many things he had told me were lies.

I have learnt since then that this is the typical rhetoric of a man who leaves his wife for another woman. They cannot admit they are doing wrong, not even to themselves, so they make their wife to be the problem and paint the picture that they just couldn't stay. Remember all those things are from the pit of hell to try and deflect the light away from the darkness.

Remember who you are in Christ. You are the precious, beautiful, treasured daughter of the Almighty God. He loves you and his heart breaks with you at the dishonour you have received from your husband. Don't believe the lies he has said to you. Remember that his motivation is always in question with everything he says. Listen only to those who have proven their love for you.

I understand that there are times when you don't want to talk about it anymore and there are other times when you need to get things out. Feel free to pm or im anytime you like. It won't be too often and neither will it be too long between contact. I'm happy to listen and pray anytime. Sometimes it may just be a matter of saying "Don't want to talk but need your prayer"

I pray that the journey to healing will be quick for you. That your financial needs will be met and that the needs of your heart will be met too. I pray for peace and hope in your heart. God has a plan for you, a hope and a future. He is bigger than your husband's sin and his good plans for you and your children will not be thwarted. Lean not on your own understanding but trust in the Lord with all your heart and he will make your paths straight.

I can encourage you from personal testimony that he is faithful and I can see his healing in my life and in the lives of my girls. We are all doing well, even though it was the most excruciatingly painful experience of my life. Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death ( and it felt like that sometimes) I will fear no evil for he is with me. His rod and his staff comfort me.

He is faithful!!

Bless you my sister, praying for you :pray:

Hope

Hey Doris,

You have my encouragement as well. I think that these things happen so that bigger and better doors can be opened up for you.

:cry: :hug: :cross:

You crossed my mind a few days ago..was wondering how you were..Since I never go "over there" anymore...

I will certainly pray for you, your children, and your husband...

This really breaks my heart :cry:

Thank you all for thinking of me, reading this, and praying for us. We greatly need prayer.

On top of that, I think I have some form of Pink Eye. Woke up to my right eye all crusted over this morning. However, when I took a long nap this morning, there was not that much crusting, just a little.

I'm tired, my body aches. I have been fatigued the past few days quite some, but am not as fatigued. Guessing the fatigue was due more to my BP being too low. I stopped taking 1 of the BP pills and my BP is more normal now, so I do feel better.

Boy, life.

Thank you for the encouragement, too.

Blessings,
Doris

Doris,

I don't know if we've chatted much but I too echo the comments about this being your family and we welcome you back. There are some wonderful people here who have gone through some terrible times, don't be afraid to lean on them when you are weak. I'm a firm believer that God will never give us more than we can handle with His help. There have been times in my life where I thought that I would break, but I have come back stronger. I'm certain this will be the same for you.

I want to encourage you and tell you that you should be very proud of the path you are taking through this rough time. In life we choose between our own path (or at least we call it our own but it resembles more of Satan's plan for our lives) and God's path. When tough times happen people either break from the church or saddle up closely with it. It looks like you are getting some good support and you are trying to be the woman God wants you to be through this. This is not the easy path but it is the path that God desires you to choose. Keep up your strength and know that there are literally people all over the world praying for you (you Canadians better pray twice as much b/c from what I've read God gets so frustrated with your goofy accents and wierd names for things that He only listens to you half of the time :gotcha: )

I seen this the day you posted it, an I am very sorry, but I wanted to let you know that I've been prayin for you an for your relationship, didn'[t want you to think I didn't care bout you :) I'd like it if you'd hang round, at least... *try* to keep all these other yahoo's somewhat in line a bit ya know. I mean it's a full time job an I jes cain't keep up.

I have to get back into this group. Didn't realize it's been nearly 2 weeks since my last visit, or at least to this thread. It's all a blur.

There are other things I want to write, but I want to say I am very appreciative of the prayers and thoughts. God is working a great deal and these past 2 weeks my faith has been greatly challenged. I'm getting back up once again on the inside and letting God work to meet my needs.

I am a victor, not a victim.

:hug:

We're here for you Doris! It's good to read God is working in your life......and better, that you are LETTING him!!!

Still praying and we'll be here for you no matter how long the gap is between visits. :hug:

I'll be praying for you.

Doris! :hug: I think of you often and wonder how you are. I was away all summer and just saw your post. I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. :hug: I promise to lift you up in prayer. It looks like you haven't posted in a month or so. Please let us know what's going on. I'm sure you're going to have some praise reports.

:hug:

Hi All,

Sorry it's taken me so long to respond. Time sure flies, doesn't it. I appreciate the prayers, encouragement and support.

There are many praise reports. Things between Henry and I still look like it's headed in the "D" direction, though, we are more civil now. God has been working greatly in me. Over the past month or so, I've just been asking God every time (almost) to bless Henry, woo Henry back to Him, just help Henry, with no expectations of whether we will get back together or not.

I've dealt with many of the creditors and working to make sure things are paid on time, as I negotiate different terms during this time. No longer will I be a victim, rather I AM A VICTOR in Christ Jesus. When my enemies seek to do me harm, I pray for them and bless them. That has given me greater strength.

The tears aren't pouring down as often these days, but God has been greatly touching my heart, moving me to action, to be more organized. I've been much better about managing my finances, being more focused in my trading, being present with my children.

As I've asked God to provide peace and stepped out to have peace, He has blessed. It seems He is shielding the kids from their daddy not being around much or communicating much with them. I've been loving on them a lot, though, sometimes I do lose my cool. Some of my family have stepped in to help a little, but mainly God has been just working greatly.

There is still much prayer that we need. The finances, though more organized now, is a huge burden, as well as the tax situation with which I'm still dealing with. I need continued prayer over my options trading, but God is blessing there, too.

Basically taking things one day at a time and doing the best to not allow the enemy to distract me. Not an easy thing, but God is faithful.

Anyway, it's late. I will update when I remember.

Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts, prayers, love, support.

Smiling With Jesus,
Doris

Doris, it is so good to hear from you.

I'm glad to hear that you are starting to move forward in your life and as I read your words I hear so much of my own story. It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job at dealing with all this. I feel greatly for your pain and I also rejoice in the growth and healing that you are experiencing. It is a long journey but our Father is faithful!! :bow:

Be kind and gentle with yourself, this is a difficult road you are travelling.

You always have my prayer, support and understanding.

Blessings

Hope :hug: :pray:

DORIS! :hug:

:hug: :pray:

:thumbsup: :hug: :pray: