First off, "Hi, ya'll!" We've been vacationing for the last 3 weeks and just got back and settled so I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while.

Things are... okay but I posted this in the other site in the "reconciled marriages" section but frankly most people over there give you crappy answers anyway so I thought I'd share it here, with you more intelligent people. I'm sorry it's sort of depressing and as far as I know no one else here is dealing with anything like this but I thought I'd try it out anyway.

Here's the post-

"Many of you know the story of my marriage and how my wife had an affair 4 years ago and we're trying to move past it and move on with our lives. The problem I seem to be having is that every once and a while I start thinking she might be having another affair. I notice things that are similar to when she was having one that have significant meaning to me but in fact are never anything. She'd go to work early to meet this guy- every once and a while she goes in early to work with her study partner on projects for school (female). She had a lack of interest in sex- now she's tired and sick a lot from all the stresses of school and our frequency has declined greatly. She seems happy and excited at school but tired and stressed when she's at home- like she'd rather be there.

Now let's not get too much into how I turn these things into fears that she is having an affair, instead lets talk about how I react to those fears.

This morning I woke up with a stomach ache. I didn't sleep a wink last night and I'm feeling really depressed. I feel almost like crying. I have a hard time functioning.

How I react to these feelings is I either get all worked up and cry to my wife about my fears and just wallow in the pain of it all or I stone-wall myself. I imagine myself made of stone, untouchable. Nothing can hurt me. Since nothing can hurt me, though, I don't accept or give love very easily. Acting like either one of these isn't really healthy, I know.

Being all sensitive makes my wife lose respect for me and simply isn't being the man I feel I am called to be. Being made of stone separates my wife from me and instead of dealing with the hurts I simply don't allow anything to hurt me (I believe this is called repression).

I know there has to be another way to respond to these feelings. I feel bad for bringing them up to my wife because she always feels guilty about what she has done in the past and I know it makes me not be very fun to be around- life is hard enough on her, I don't need to make it harder.

Our counselor said that we should talk it out every time and she should be understanding, but at what point do these feelings become ridiculous? I know many times it is just Satan tripping me up but other times I feel like these reasons might be valid and I feel I am being foolish to ignore them- I had a gut feeling she was cheating on me last time and I went to her work to check it out and caught them... who's to say these feelings I'm having now are alerting me of the same thing?"

You're right... it is heavy.

I think that situations like this are hard to ignore. You're probably asking yourself if (or when) you dropped the ball in a manner that caused your wife to have the affair. And you're looking back for clues as to how you could have prevented it.

All you really have to work with are the signs that were being projected at the time.

I think that a lot of people use this same method for identifying trends.

yeah, I feel like I am a sociologist and my wife is under the microscope constantly (she notices it too). I know it's not fair to her and I know that she shouldn't have to live like this but I can't seem to just shut off my brain and accept that things are great and it will never happen again.




*side note- My wife is really great and is not the same woman she was 4 years ago. I honestly believe that nothing is going on but I can't seem to stop the fear that something might be.

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sorry good bro...

you have to deal wotht he emotions in some way shape and or form. Just ignoring it will kill you.

Whether the dealing is talking it out with your wife and sounding like a wuss, or you taking a good long look inthe mirror and realizing your jumping at shadows or soemthing in between.....

Inciting emotions in us is, probably, the most easy way the enemy can get to us, deceive us, etc.... We must learn to overlook some of these emotions or they will drag us down into the pits of despair...As you know I have a great emotional attachment that, if I allow myself to dwell on or think about often, will totally get me down and depressed. I struggle with this daily, especially when my own marriage is rough. As Christians we must learn to recognize the enemy's misuse and manipulation of our emotions and try our hardest to overcome them. You are aware that often what we feel so deeple just isn't the right thing or the best thing for us..

Perhaps when these thoughts come into your mind you could push them out and meditate on something more positive. recently I heard it recommended (on and Orthodox radio podcast) that when distracting thoughts come into your mind that it is good to just push the thoughts out and repeat over and over in your mind the "Jesus prayer" which is simply "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner". What better way to seek healing from these disturbng thoughts and feelings than to ask for help and mercy from God? Surely He will help us to overcome these things....

**Long post - sorry**

Seige, you are in a very difficult position and so is your wife but this is not too heavy for brothers and sisters to share here. That is part of the fellowship of believers.
The following are just my thoughts and opinions as they came to me from experience and from reading.
I believe it is possible to overcome the damage and hurt of adultery however it does take time. I suggest you go easy on yourself. It takes time to rebuild the trust and that rebuilding in necessary. I know you are concerned for your wife - that it is hard on her - but it is part of the price of the adultery. You can understand it is difficult for her without having to deny your fears. I am not condemning your wife, each one of us has sinned and each one of us is cleansed in the blood of Christ and she, like all of us, as a believer is clothed in the righteousness of Christ. That is our objective position in Christ.
But we live in the 'already - not yet' In other words we are 'already' perfected in Christ objectively but we are also 'not yet' perfected subjectively, in the flesh.
That means we are still living in the natural consequences of imperfection. On the other forum I saw replies that suggested you just need to forgive. As if forgiving means automatic trust. Forgiveness is real and ends the consequences in relationship with God but it does not end the natural consequences.
From what you have said here before, it is clear that you have forgiven your wife and love her dearly. That is not in question and could be something you could reassure her of often. The issue as I read it is not about forgiveness, but about trust. That has to be rebuilt and it will be part of her repentance to accept and understand that it will be painful for both of you while that is happening.
From christian books I have read, it is suggested this may take years and that there likely will have to be very high accountability on her time and friendships etc till the confidence and trust are completely healed. Part of her repentance will be to submit to what you need to rebuild the trust until it is done. I believe you can assure her of your love and forgiveness at the same time as acknowledging and asking her to help you to trust completely again. The trust/distrust may be intermittent and it is probably important that you both understand that. There may be long periods of trust and then something will trigger mistrust and you will need to work through it together again. That may be hard on her as she thought it was dealt with but if you both continue to communicate, I think the periods in between fear will lengthen until you find the times of distrust are finally non existent.
It is like grief, in that it takes as long as it takes.

I also believe that honesty is important and although you may feel that she doesn't deserve this because she has repented and changed, it is something that she does need to bear and accept for as long as you need the reassurance of her fidelity. I think sucking it it up because you don't want her to see you as insecure could be damaging to the relationship as well. Openness on both parts is essential to a truly intimate marriage.

Again, don't be hard on yourself, and realise that what you are feeling is normal and together you can work through this.

I'm not sure if this has helped at all, but be assured of our prayers and most importantly take it to your Father in prayer often. I have found the key to finding wisdom is in asking the Father to change you into the image of Jesus. Pray that the Spirit of Christ in you rises up and that you are made more like him. Ask him to make you like Jesus. Try not to have an agenda of what that is like. Just ask the Spirit to do it and then rest and let him rise. You will find the wisdom will come. There is no greater pleasure for the Father than to see his Son formed in us.

I pray that you will be able to be honest, patient and loving with each other. That your marriage will be completely restored to the place where your trust, love and joy in each other is greater than ever before and that your marriage will reflect heart of God.

Bless you heaps

um........what SHE said........ :blink:

(great post, Hope!! :thumbsup: )

I agree....GREAT post, Hope! :nod:

Sorry you're going through such a rough patch right now. :hug:

Nothing's too heavy for FHL. We're not just here for a good time.

You've got some great responses here, Seigebro. I can answer to the paranoia, but not the affair.

The tempter will use anything he can find to destroy our relationship with God and others. When he finds a chink in our armor, he picks at it until it becomes a gaping hole through which he can shoot "flaming arrows". Closing that chink is not an easy task. Usually, these are our deepest fears. These are the places that are in control on the surface, but in turmoil down inside. Each of us has them. Mine is that some of my own past will catch up with me one day and my family will be hurt as a result.

How to get over it? Pray. There's an old cliche that says, "Let go, let God." It's hard to hand over trouble like this to someone you can't see, feel or hear. But it's what needs to happen. Devote a good length of time - five minutes each day for a couple of weeks - to working through this with the Great Physician. He will reveal the sore spot and remove it. Surgery is not pain-free, though, and you may go through some deeper pain as the source is removed.

This is not a done-deal. Leave it alone, and it will come back to haunt you. Make an effort to keep it gone. I have to do it daily with my fears, and with my alcoholism and my porn addiction and my bipolar disorder...

If you would like to do a comparative study on the quality of responses on CF and on FHL check out both on this subject. These are some of the greatest responses that I've ever seen on any forum.

Clay- you're right I should devote time to praying especially for this. I often pray that my wife will keep her guard up and glorify God in our marriage but I don't often pray for peace within myself.

Hope- You are wise, wise, wise! I don't know anyone that has had an affair and has had their marriage restored personally. I don't know anyone that has even tried to restore their marriage. I've read in books that it happens. I've been to conferences that say that it is 100% possible if you trust God, but I have no one who can tell me, "this is normal," or, "This just takes time and you will get through this." If you've looked at my posts on CF I've often talked about this "issue" because it has seriously transformed my life. Most of the responses I get are "you are a fool" or "she probably is cheating on you so you better play detective and find out." I feel like your response was one of the first that really understand that these feelings are from ME and have NOTHING to do with what she is doing NOW. She is 100% accountable with me. She is incredible through this but she is so wonderful and I love her so much that I don't want to put her through this anymore, especially when she's worked so damned hard to become this entirely different woman! Thank you for your kind words, Hope.

String- I feel like your comparison about my fears and your feelings for that other "interest" was spot on. I think I finally understand what you are going through. Just like I can rationalize that my wife isn't having an affair but I still fear it, you can rationalize that this other guy isn't all your mind paints him to be but for some reason those feelings are still there. I think I finally get it. You post much like I post. I often say to my wife when she reads my posts that I am an "apocalyptic poster" because I post when I feel the "end is near" and I'm in the "depths". I don't post as often when I am happy and everything is going great. I realize now that you do much of the same thing. Where else can you post the things you do without judgement or without consequence? I'm praying for you and thanks for the idea of praying a particular prayer when I'm feeling these fears- I think I'll try it with Bible verses too.

To everyone else- FHL is an awesome place because of you awesome people! Thank you so much for your prayers and support. I love all of you!

God Bless,

CJ

:hug:

This is a good place to run to...

I guess I didn't mention that the 'Jesus Prayer' is indeed rooted in scripture..

Here are a couple of links to articles with more insight than I could ever give..
Plese take a few minutes to read them..

Link 1

There are several links to other resources at the end of this article:

Link #2

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even me?

NO!!!





Me first! :P

When she got home yesterday we had a talk. She had to stay late for class and didn't call until she got outta there. I tried to be cool about it and she was understanding that she should have called.

I gotta be kind of honest here. Remember that so far she has been EXTREMELY faithful to me for the last 4 years and we're dealing with my "issues" not her faithfulness since she's been great.

Here's my idea of a perfect life:

We live up in the Cascade mountains in a log cabin. We live off of the land and raise our kids at home without a television, without a phone and with as little contact with the outside world at all. We spend nearly all of our time together and we spend the rest of our lives like that.

I dream of this all of the time. Understand that this kind of life would support my wife never having another affair. My kids will be safe from the world. I'll never have to worry about anything except the harvest. I could finally have peace.

Before you unleash the fury- I know that this is unhealthy. I know that it isn't what God would have me do. He made my wife this wonderful, beautiful, caring, loving person and it would be so wrong to hide her off in the wilderness. I know it is entirely selfish and I promise I won't haul off and do this to my family.

We got to talking last night and I kind of realized that things are a lot worse than I thought they were initially. Since the affair I've been praying for my wife to love me and desire me the way I desire her. This is selfish, I know, but I have this need in my heart to feel confident that she'll always be there. To feel that she really does choose me. She's feeling frustrated because she feels that she is showing me this but I never get better. Does this make sense? I'm not sure if I'm explaining it correctly.

She feels guilty when she goes to school because she feels like I worry while she is there. I don't want her to feel like that. She won't ask to stay after school and join a club because she fears that I'll just sit at home and worry that some guy is swooping in on her. Again, I don't want her to feel this way.

I guess yesterday I realized, finally that I really need to see somebody. This isn't normal. I've been trying to go and take little steps to getting healthy but I think I just have to buck up and jump off that bridge. I'm a little more fearful because we're talking about trying to have kids in the next year ( :blink: ).


I'm not sure what I'm looking for here- maybe I just want to air a little more dirty laundry so that String doesn't feel embarrassed about her thread. I'm going to ask for a little more prayer this month because 4 years ago from the end of this month is when she had the affair. I used to love the summers, now everywhere I turn there are reminders of the worst time of my life. Thanks in advance- I still love you guys (and gals!).



****Squat- I hope all this mushy, emotional, broken-man stuff doesn't lower your opinion of me. If so I think I might have to prove my manhood and head to AZ and whoop some senior citizen ass!

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I dont' have one, so make sure you bring your girly-bar "pad" so we can squat...

Ew. That just painted a really gross picture in my mind.....:wall:

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I agree....girls are gross.

That is my husband's dream also....He doesn't realise that women are social creatures. God made us that way. I have to get all my socializin here online for now..I am trying to explain to him how I need to be around and talk to people more than he does..

Seeing as I've never actually been in this situation, I don't understand why a man would be so afraid. One mess up won't automatically make a woman into an "affair-whore". I guess I just don't understand why you fear that she may be being just that......? I don't know. I guess these fears and worries are normal..
Our minds can be so illogical sometimes and cause us to worry things that don't even exist...Perhaps talking to someone about this is a good idea..

God created a built in nine months to prepare you for the responsibility.. :thumbsup:

Let us know if you are able to find someone to talk to about this. I know how stressful worrysome thoughts can overwhelm you and totally wear you down...

CJ, you're post is really encouraging. It sounds like you guys are doing a great job at getting through this.

I understand that your fears are not about thinking your wife is automatically going to do it all again. I think it may be more that what you thought would never happen before (infidelity)did so there is an underlying fear that what you think now will never happen ('cos you 'know' she is changed) may actually happen. Does that make sense? You didn't expect it last time so what's to stop it happening when you don't expect it this time? It can be tricky to get over that sort of contradictory fear. It may be a matter of relearning to trust God that life doesn't have any guarantees, and learning to trust him again, no matter what the future may hold. The truth is, you don't have any iron clad guarantee that your wife won't ever be unfaithful, just as no one here, or in any marraige, no matter how good it is, has such a guarantee whether they have done it before or not. I think it may be about how you trust God with your heart in the face of the always present possibility of human failure. I have personal testimony about this but the post will be long enough already. If you want to hear it, let me know.

This is fantastic. I think seeing someone specifically about what is happening for you could be a really helpful thing. And I really think that looking at how you trust your Father with your heart may be a key.

There is one thing I must disagree with however. I think what you are feeling IS normal for the circumstances you are in. It can be changed so it is no longer your normal, but none of what you have said surprises me at all. I think the way you are feeling and the struggles you are having are normal AND the way your wife feels and the things she is struggling with are normal. What I think is not normal is that is sounds like you and your wife are communcating so well. loving and forgiving each other and giving each other time and patience to heal. I realise that you probably have times when you don't feel so loving, patient etc and things blow up but it seems you are both pulling out all stops to love each other and have a great marriage. That is what is going to make yours a great love story, unlike those who don't recover from an affair. (by the way I do know personally of 2 couples who have made it through - 1 where the husband had the affair and 1 where the wife did. Haven't seen either of them for a while but thought you might like to hear that)

Kudos to both of you. If you keep loving each other as you are, you are going to have a marriage that shines with the love and glory of God.

Bless you heaps

Thanks again for the great, supportive post Hope! In times where I feel lost or frustrated with myself or things in our marriage I can go back to these posts and they really help me get through. It's especially nice to know that you know some people who have been through this and are making it. I feel like sometimes we're all alone in a world that says, "Are you crazy? Get divorced, it'll be easier" but I don't necessarily think that's true.

I'm having a little bit of an issue since our talk b/c it's hard to accept that all these feelings and fears I have are... well... wrong. That I'm not... normal (whatever that is). I don't know if I mentioned it in my other post but my wife also worried that I was becoming codependant and that ultimately for our relationship that would be unhealthy. I agree with her that it's possible that I am/was becoming codependant and that it isn't healthy. It's hard to hear, I guess. I've kind of pulled away a bit from her and she's noticed. Last night she laid her head on my chest and started crying and telling me that she loves me and that she was sorry she did this to me. It doesn't happen real often but occasionally those feelings of guilt about the affair come back and haunt her and I have to reassure her that I forgive her and love her and that she is no longer that person, she has been transformed through Jesus Christ. She cried and cried and then- what happens typically with my wife is she hyperventalates and she :puke: s our expensive fondue dinner all over the bathroom (I took her there last night on a date).

Do you ever feel like when one person in your marriage is pulling closer the other one is pulling away and then at some point you tag and switch roles? Now she seems to be trying to pull me closer. I guess this is the hills and valleys people talk about in marriage...

You know what? I think that at the end of they day we're going to make it because I love this woman, I think she loves me and I know that God loves us both very much. All I have to do is have faith and try and maintain....