So...What do you do when you're depressed about your marriage and life and nothign really seems to get better?

I've become bitter, jaded, and fed up with it all.

We get along alright for the most part, but if you didn't know us it you'd never be able to tell we were married. Then we fight about our marital problems and it becomes clearer and clearer to me that marriages started because of unplanned pregnancies just don't work...I feel bound and tied down to this misery for life..

Obviously, for the children, divorce is not an option. Going back in time to fix everything is not an option..

Yeah, when life give you lemons, make lemonade, but what about when life hands you a litter box??

Get out the scoop!!! Try and learn to love the litterbox! imagine it's a sandy beach and you can draw curly-ques in the sand with your toes and listen to the waves crashing on the shore... enough with the analogy!

I have to wonder what you think a "real marriage" looks like. If you are thinking it is anything like we see in the movies then you are way, WAY, off base! I'm sure there are times in all of our marriages where people wouldn't "know" you were married because daily life requires routines and just getting through the day sometiems doesn't provide opportunities to be romantic or even very civil to your spouse! Life gets in the way of marriages all the time! Start paying attention to the good things your husband does, to the good parts about him. Start looking at your three (I think) awesome kids and realize that your attitudes toward marriage WILL be their attitudes toward marriage. Your relationship with your spouse is one that is supposed to reflect God's relationship with His church- what kind of example are you setting? I know it's hard and I know we've gone round and round about this but I'm certain that a change in heart and a change in mind will change yoru marriage! God can do ALL things- even make a litterbox into lemonade...

I'm not thinking that. A "real marriage" shouldn't be where both parties are full of resentment of the other, where they are in the marriage because they want to be, not because their low self esteem caused them to seek out negative atention for fear of lonliness, and where there is actually love for the other person and not resentment.

Opportunities are plenty, the ability to feel that way isn't...

This is my fault, I know,. but after years of resentment and anger I have a hard time seeing those things.

I know...I know...I try my best to put on the civil adn happy fron but I know that in our tiny house and close quarters these things are hard to hide...

Easier said than done. For the entire duration of my "union" I have hated it and been miserable. How can one suddenly start liking it and thinking happy thoughts about it????

I really am sorry. Today is just an especially rouygh day for me with this "issue"

:agree:

You need to totally give it up to God. Lay your marriage at his feet. Don't think about what could have been or why you HAD to get married. Realize that you can either be upset about this for the rest of your life or you can make an effort to make it the best marriage you can think of. I would pray and focus on the positive aspects and rebuke any negativity that comes to mind...
Good article...

http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2002/001/6.46.html

Thta's the thing...I just don't know how. All I hear is "Give it up to God" "Let God take over" Etc... etc... etc... blah blah blah

How exactly does one do that? I'm sick of hearing that with no follow up or how-tos... Kind of like: "Here is a pile of all the components of a brand new car. Put it together."

Then morning comes and the two of you fight at 4:30 in the morning. Then the husband comes home and your tension rises because of his presence and the little things he says that are indirectly critical...
I am just so tense and stressed out about this right now...

I'm sorry..I have an attitude today..forgive me.
:bored:

I've known of ppl to write a letter to God and actually lay it down at the alter and you just refuse to worry about it. I've had ppl write down a list of what is worrying them and then they burned it in their fireplace and refused to worry about it.
Did you read the article? HAs A LOT of good points.
Being up together at 430 when you're tense AND TIRED isn't the best idea...Time of DH to make his own breakfast/lunch and get out the door himself. He's a big boy...
Have you tried counseling?

Hve been seeing our priest occasionally for the past 8 months. Really only about 4 or 6 meetings though...

Read the article..seems like the author of those articles and such has never really walked in the shoes...things aren't as easy to do or implement as they say...

:agree:

I don't get this...why doesn't he get himself ready so early? Why must you do it?

He's a wuss, thinks he needs help if he doesn't get 8 hours sleep. Fr. told him that he should do whta it takes to get his rest and not make me have to wake up at 4 or go to bed at 8, but he insists that the only way to have harmony in the house is to keep the same schedule..

I've had a few 'couple' friends who were on the brink of divorce. Once they focused their eye less on what their spouse could do for them (make them happy) and more on Jesus their marriage turned around...
Have you tried someone other than your priest?

Yeah, I thought it was working for awhile with you NOT having to get up.......right? :dunno:

As for giving it over to God, what I do is to just open my heart to God and confess that it's what I'm TRYING to do (give it all over to Him) but I'm having a hard time doing it and for Him to help me.

And then every time I feel doubts creeping in or negative thoughts, I pray the same prayer. Eventually the doubts and negative thoughts get farther and farther apart.

I'm doing it right now with all this stuff that my mom's going through....negativity abounds within me and I'm constantly praying about it.

That's the only thing I know to tell you......constant prayer, even if it means you're mumbling every second of the day......

well you could always make up the cousch with sheets and a pillow and when he heads to bed ask him where he thinks he's going... his new scheduled place and time to sleep are the sofa.....


I don't make Misty go to bed when I do nor wake up whne I do... though sometimes I have to wake her to find out what she has done with something I need for work if it's not where I left it when I go to bed.....


For the better part of a year I've been sleeping alone in my bed because she's addicted to World of Warcraft....
meh life sucks....

He can't expect you to keep the same schedule as he does, you have the kids for longer... (24 hours a day vs his couple hours with them not even giving you a break from them) the only break you get is when they go to bed... it's they only time you have to detox fromt he day and going to bed with all that crap going on is just going to deprive you of proper good sleep and healthy dreams....

But then again what the hell do I know... Just over 2.5 years into my marriage, and Misty and I are still trying to figure out how the hell we're gonna make it work...

The key I think is not MAKING it work but TRYING like hell to make it work, which takes BOTH parties... you can't be the only one giving ground... Cliff has to suck it up and make concessions too.... but then again I don't know his side of the story... but it doesnt' matter... if you dont' see the concessions on his part you two both need to talk more and show each other hey this is what I'm giving in to you for.... what more do you want and can I catually deliver....

otehr than that I say cage match...

When Life gives you lemons... kick it in the nuts nad take his wallet..... then go buy tequilla nad make it a party........

Glass half empty or half full doesn't matter it's time to buy another round.....

oh.. and almost forgot.. praying for you, Cliff and the munchkins to find the best way through it all for all involved....

Firstly, String, I want to encourage you that you are not alone and we all love you here and I'm sure we're all praying for you. This is when the physical distance becomes so frustrating because I would dearly love to be able to be a physical presence for you. But I will offer what I can which is love, prayer and encouragement. :pray: :hug:

Beside the resentments I hear about the unplanned births of your children, I also hear much love, care and sacrifice for them. I hear you desire to be a good mother and love your children well. Don't underestimate that String. You are doing the best you can for them, as we all are, and none of us get it all right. Keep hold of that and encourage yourself in the love you have for them.

As for the marriage situation , I'm going to come out against the flow here.
From previous discussions I have seen here about your situation String, I am very concerned. Given, I haven't heard much and this is NOT a diagnosis but I see the warning signs for emotional/psychological abuse here and if that is the case it is not appropriate to pray and stay.

I think you need to have some serious help. It is great that you have taken this to your priest. If it is helping you at all, keep it up. Even if it is just to hold Cliff accountable to the priest for the fact that he is still demanding his own way in the sleep situation. And go on your own if he won't keep going. Don't be isolated. Keep pushing the church for intervention. It is worth fighting for.

The signs I see are control issues, demandedness, constant criticism, lack of support, social isolation and these are from memory without even going back and reading old posts. And he is still insisting on you "doing what he wants", even on the contrary advice from his priest. I'm not saying we have to do everything a priest or counsellor says but it reeks of trouble. I may be wrong but I see enough red flags to say this needs to be examined by a professional to be assessed. This kind of manipulation if it exists is difficult for the victim to see because there are no physical bruises but the damage is very real. And it is also hard to see because the victim is made to feel it is their inadequacies that are causing the problem.

And if this is the case, it is not good for the children either. Whilst I strongly believe in the covenant of marriage and always endeavour to help a couple work through the trials of marriage, it is not an idol. And there are differences between the 'garden variety' marriage isssues and issues which involve "control, manipulation and abuse". Neither is it always true that it is best for the children for the marriage to stay together. It further concerns me that your husband is refusing to listen to counsel, in even the simplest matter, like recognising your need for sleep. It may seem a small issue but my guess is it's hiding iceberg size issues underneath. The sense of entrapment and powerlessness I hear needs some investigation.

I am not saying leave, but I am saying you owe it to yourself, your children and your husband to get some serious help and professional assessment of the situation. If finances are an issue, wp0uld your priest help? Let him know your husband is not listening, it is very serious and would they help you to get some christian professional asssessment of any underlying psyschological and emotional issues. I'm happy to help.

Although I don't know a lot about your situation, I have heard enough to feel that I would negligent if I didn't at least put this out to you.

I will be praying for you, that God will reveal what is happening and what you need to do. Sorry about the long post. As I said, I may be off the mark but I'm just calling what I'm seeing.

Bless you heaps, String. I will be praying for you, your marriage, your children
and your priest.

Well said Hope.......

That happened only once. Twice over the last 7 years. He couldn't handle it.. :wall:

Things are a little better this morning...at least in me they are. Yesterday we had an argument and the full force of it all makes me pretty depressed. Sorry about my rantings. I still hate it, but am better dealing today..

You forget...I don't have a couch--or a living room for that matter. Had to give them up and use the space for a bedroom when baby3 came..He would refuse to sleep there anyway..I'd end up being there if I really neede to be away from him...

My cousin does that--totally neglects her kids, house, everything...bad deal.... :hug:

Thanks Hope...I swear that I am married to a brick wall...We have both come to some realizations since we've been talking to our priest..mine, that I have issues with men and have never had or been exposed to any good men in m life, ever..and his, that he does have a "need" to keep things under his cntrol so that he doesn't have to feel helpless as he did as a child under his father's tyranny.....I just don't know how to make him listen......He hears, but doesn't hear, you know?

I am feeling better today and I have been considering emailing our priest to talk to him..Really I feel bad about bothering him...like i am pestering him or something...stupid, I know.....Just remembered that he will be out of state for the next 2 days..will have to wait till Monday...He and the parish council have to go to some big comference in Kansas or something...

Thanks for your prayers guys....I appreciate the support..

I haven't read all of this yet, but a first thought. Have him make his own lunch! He can make it before he goes to bed if he doesn't have time to do it in the morning.

Oh, if it were that easy........

Actually it is that easy just refuse to do it.

It's not like he can fire you.

My wife refuses to do stuff all the time and I get stuck working 50+ hours a week commuting another 30 hours a week on top of that then having to do dishes, laundry unpack mow the lawn fix crap, and cook... (granted I don't do all those EVERY day but I tend to do most of it at least once a week except lawn son usually takes care of it but when he lets it go for a couple weeks and I get sick of looking at a jungle in my yard I do it)

Yeah I can say "f" it all and walk away but 1) I don't want to.... B) I don't want to... and 3) I love my wife and I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to.....

I suck it up and take care of it......

Here's the difference, my wife is a SAHW / (SAHM in summer when school is out but during the school year she has to ge them ready and out the door then the only thing she's gotta do is general upkeep on the house which is our bargain when she chooses to)

:hug: I have a lot thoughts about your situation, but I'm not sure how to put them into words, so I'm just going to ask a question.

In your deepest heart of hearts, what do you want from your marriage?

I honestly don't know...

How does one answer that question? What do you want from yoour marrige?

Great question Amy

And you are not the only one who would fnd that hard to answer String, but it may be worth searching your heart (or asking your Father to) and seeing what you find there about your dreams and desires for marriage. You may not want to post it here but recognising them might be a start and help you make decisions about how to move forward

And I don't think you need to apologise for how you feel, and it doesn't just come out of a bad day, it comes from the heart and long term hurts.


Blessings :hug: :pray:

I don't want to advocate divorce, please don't stay in a marriage just for the children.

Living in a home where the parents are constantly fighting, arguing, and not displaying a loving relationship is no better than living in a home with only one parent.

another question, if you stay in the marriage for the children what happens when the youngest moves out?

Watch out this opens a can of worms around here....

This is where Seige and I see differently, though he's still a good bro...

......

Putting words in my mouth......

What makes you think I think you're a good bro.......

;) Just messing with ya.....

Yeah Squat's a good bro too when he actually is around, and not busy begging burritos of receptionists....

So what do you think Raspy?

In a nutshell shit or get off the pot....

I personally beleive that you shouldn't stay in a loveless marriage just for the kids... if there is no love get the hell out because you'll just start taking crap out on each other and if the kids just see you fighting and just feel hate between their parents that'll mess the kids up worse than a divorce...

I've seen divorce screw kids up but I've also seen it help kids out....

But if there is anything there at all you have to fight for it. If you love them and they love you even the slightest you work your ass off to make it work because nothing worthwhile is easy, and marriage and kids definately are not easy, so they must really be worth it.... and so far they seem to be....

But truthfully dont' make the kids an excuse for cutting out, or for staying together, kids are not an excuse it's your choice and don't play helpless like you're trapped.

God may not like divorce but he can and will forgive anything.

Okay let the Raspy bashing begin.

MOD NOTE

Split thread per String's request to Theology....... B)

linky