This doesn't really fit anywhere since there's no divorce section on FHL (and I'd be there by myself if there were :doh: ) but here goes

One of my ex BIL's just rang to say they are going out to dinner on Sunday night for a couple of the brother's birthdays. My x is one of ten so there's lots of them. Anyway I'm invited as always. They love me and still consider me part of their family. Trouble is 'the other woman' may be there. He didn't know yet. I've never met her and don't really want to. She hasn't been to any family functions yet, although some of them have met her. It's a problem for them all round 'cos his mother refuses to meet her so the last time this came up it became a non event because his mother wouldn't go if she was there and they wanted their mum there. I know that there are also some brother's and sister's who haven't met her yet as well. What a mess!!! They are so upset with what he has done and I don't think any of them 'like' the woman he had an affair with and is now living with. They are all committed christians and they hate this. They are caught too. But I think this time she may actually be there.

Anyway, now I have to decide what to do. Here are my options as I see them

Don't go (basically it will mean the beginning of the end as far as me and his family go. Although I think she will still not go to anything the girls would be at because two of my daughters still refuse to meet her). If I don't go to things she is at then eventually that will be the end.

OR

Go and let her face me at the table. As his brother just said, let them both face the fact that he has a wife and three kids that he left behind. Trouble is this could make things uncomfortable for everyone else and I don't want to make their party worse. But then again her just being there makes it uncomfortable for them all anyway.
AND it will be hard for me. I don't want to see her or to watch them together. And I know I'll feel self-concious about how I look. I have put on a stack of weight (stress) and given that she is a skinny 26 yr old and I'm a baggy old 42 I don't think I'm gonna feel great.

Part of me doesn't want to just roll over and let them have it all easy but another part doesn't want to suffer seeing them and maybe I should just bow out and leave his family to him. BUT they want me around....and they've been my family for over 20 yrs now. And if I walk away from his family, it will make it harder for my girls too. I don't know.

God, everytime I think things are going well, something comes up and hits me in the gut. No wonder God HATES divorve. It is so horrible for everyone.

I know you can't make the decision for me but you can pray and maybe you might have some thoughts on it.

Thanks for getting through this and putting up with my stuff. :sigh:

Awwww, sweetie~ :hug:

I would HATE HATE to go (if I were in your position), but I honestly believe I'd MAKE myself go, even for just a few minutes.

I'd probably be sick to my stomach before and promptly pass out afterwards (:P ), but in a way it might be a gentle step in the right direction of helping you on your walk to healing.

Plus (to play the Christian card), it would be the right thing to do......go, and be as gracious as you can be.....will show that you ARE the bigger person.

I KNOW you're strong enough to do it, girlfriend. Too bad I didn't live closer, I'd be waiting with a bottle of wine for us to share after it was all over!

Maybe us girls can have a "virtual" wine party here on FHL afterwards..... :wine:

:agree: Praying for you.

I"m very sorry, hope, that all this happened. I hear what you are saying about God and His hatred for divorce. I tend to agree with the ladies here and say that you should think about going. I know that for men who love their families (as it sounds that his family is very close) they love it when a woman gets along with their family. You obviously did. I'm not saying you should go and twist the knife for him but I do think you should go so that he can see that what he is doing is a sin. Right now he sounds as if he is able to hide in his apartment away from his kids, away from his family so he can do whatever he likes and ignore the consequences of his actions. Go. He'd be a fool to go with this girl and no matter what she looks like, nor what you look like (which I'm sure is beautiful-he just took it for granted) when he sees you with his family and then he sees her- unwelcomed, unwanted, his sin will have light shown on it and just maybe he'll repent. I'm not saying anything more than he needs to repent. It may be too late for your marriage but regardless he does need to get right with God. I'm praying for you and I also encourage you to not judge yourself too harshly! God loves you! (and so do we!)

:agree: With what everyone's said. :hug:

Do you enjoy his families comapny?
Do your children enjoy their company?

Don't let this homewrecker steal any more of your enjoyment she is beneath you.

Why hurt yourself for her benefit? Why hurt your kids for her benefit?

If she shows up, be cordial and proove that you are the better person.

She stole much of your enjoyment in life don't let her steal anything else.

She is beneath you.

Wow Thanks for your support guys. You know, what I hear most is love. Thanks

As for going, gosh I just don't know. I forgave them both a long time ago and I still believe my ex will repent at some stage. He was a believer and I know Jesus won't lose him. And I have prayed for him to repent. That is, return to Christ, not to me. But I'm struggling with what is right here.

I really have to pray about this. Der!! Going will be sooooo hard. I have been sensing recently that God has been calling me to a greater level of forgiveness and peace. I have sensed some lingering anger that he was been showing me. It is not big but it is there. It is residual pain, I think.

Oh dear..can I really go? Can I do this alone? I'll have to at least book to have my hair done... :happy: Trying to see the funny side here...but there just isn't one.

It ALL hurts. I think sometimes I still can't believe it is actually happening.

And yet at the same time I am sooo grateful to God for how much he has healed me already. I mean this decision is difficult but it hasn't turned me to jelly. Thank you Lord :bow: :bow:

Please continue to pray with me. I really need to act with the wisdom of God here, not out of my flesh either way. If I go I want it to be out of wisdom and with softness of heart, not out of a desire to 'show him'. And if I don't go, I want it to be out of grace that is able to lay myself down and allow him his family, not out of fear of suffering more and so taking the easy way out.

See how either way can be godly or fleshly? I really need the wisdom and discernment of the Spirit in this.

Yes I do enjoy their company although when I'm with them now it's bittersweet 'cos we are no longer there together.
And my kids love his family. I would never hinder them going there.

You are all helping me to think clearly about this. I don't know what I expected but somehow the way you have put things is helping me.

Thank you sooo much. I still have a few days to work this out.

Here's the bottom line.......

You won't be going to "show him" or whatever. You still love his family, they still love you.

I agree with Raspy in that you shouldn't let "her" take away that enjoyment.

I still say go, show your love for his family, be gracious (as possible :P ), and then quietly take your leave.

But yes, pray about it, listen with a quiet heart to what God is saying to you. He will lead you in the right direction.

:hug: I don't know what else to add...I'm going to agree with everyone else here..Sounds like you have more favor with his family more than he does, so that is an advantage for you and the girls...

Not sure if this helps or hurts any but I see a lot of your situation in my dad's. My mom left my dad almost 6 years ago for another man. It came out of nowhere for my dad and as my mom moved to another country he didn't even have the recourse of asking her why, etc. It's been very hard for my dad and to be honest he's still on the healing road but has come along way. My parents had be married for 22 years when she left and obviously by that time my mom's family had become my dad's family. Just because my mom left my dad didn't mean that my mom's family had left him also. Infact, they were a great strength and support to him as they also believe that what my mom did wasn't right. My dad still goes to family functions like weddings and still visits my grand parents and still does the things that he would do with any relatives because after 20 years it's not about who belongs to whom by blood.

Your exes family is your family now. Attend the family function like you would any brothers birthday. Go with your head held high. The family obviously still wants you there. Let your ex be confront with his own sin. I know it'll take a lot emotionally to go but think of how you'll feel knowing that you did it and you survived it.

Anyways, just my $0.02 :hide:

:agree:

Wait you're British so shouldn't that be 2 pence? or £0.02?

I agree with what everyone else posted...

:hug:

Thanks so much for your support. You really helped me get perspective on all this. Well here's the update. I decided today that I would go to the dinner and that I prayed that I would act with the wisdom and grace of Christ. I decided I would not befriend them but neither would I be rude. I was going to ask his sisters to have a place for me between them so I was flanked from either side and also was going to have a back up in case I needed somewhere to go afterwards to recouperate. Wine with you would have been great Deb, if only you were a little closer.

I had a real peace about all of this and I went through it all without crying. Now THAT is healing. :bow: :bow:

I called his brother to let him know and after all that it turns out that he won't be going anyway 'cos he has something else on. So I don't have to face it this weekend but it means I have made the decision for when it comes up next time.

I want you all to know that the way you responded really touched me and I appreciate you all.

I felt that you really cared about me and wanted the best for a friend. I felt like you all wanted to protect and defend my interests. Wow, how's that for a bunch of people I have never met in person. Your comments and exhortations made me feel valuable. All very mushy I know but true. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your stories (Sarah).

:hug:


I must praise God because this has shown me how much he has healed me. It was a little bump in the road and I had to figure out what to do but it didn't trip me up and I didn't cry over it. I am really beginning to feel the freedom of healing and enjoying life again. My future is looking great.

I am healed!! :yay: I am healed!! :yay: I am healed!! :yay:


:bow: Praise God :bow:

First of all....... :yay: :amen: on your healing and your decision!

and 2nd (in response to that quote), that's what's great about this crazy, weird, off-the-wall place.........NONE of us have met in real life but we've all got each other's backs no matter what.

I'm glad you've found some peace, and isn't it awesome the way God works? Ended up, you didn't have to go through the actual meeting this time, just deal with it in your own mind and like you said, NEXT time you'll be prepared.....you've already done the "suffering" in your mind!!

:thumbsup:

Just to toss in my thoughts. Your ex's brothers and sisters are your daughters uncles and aunts. If your daughters like to be around their aunts and uncles you're going to have to face this situation at some point. Better now than at a family event like a wedding or a funeral.

We need a group hug: