I know normally I'm the "think positive" and "God has a plan" guy but I've been really down these past few weeks, contrary to what my posts may seem like. Ever since my wife's affair and our refocus on our marriage I have been keeping a close eye on our marriage and try as hard as I can to be the man God wants me to be and also be the husband my wife needs me to be. The hard part is that we are in a really busy time in our lives right now.

When we moved back near our families after the incident we both quit our jobs and focused on our marriage. We slowly began working again and I ended up finishing my teaching degree. Even when I taught we'd work together and we spent as much time as possible together. Our life focus was our marriage and it was the happiest time of my life even though I was in process of healing from the affair.

We felt God calling us down to the bay area so my wife could get her degree in chiropractic and so we prayed a lot and made some trips down here. We kept feeling like God was really opening doors for us to move so we packed up and have been down here since August of 06. What I've found since we've been down here is that her program is really hard so she can't focus as much on our relationship as before and she's tired all the time or really stressed out. The habits of weekly dates, daily Bible readings and such seem to have fallen away because of her busy schedule. We're having a heck of a time finding a church and she doesn't have any real friends here so she is constantly stressed out about that.

She's in a program where there are more men than women and it's a very "hands-on" school because chiropractic is a very "hands on" profession. What is getting hard for me to deal with is she has to spend time with, touch, etc. these other people and when she gets home with me she's tired, stressed, etc. so there isn't much left for me. I feel jealous of them and I worry that she is unknowingly growing relationships with these people and isn't growing our relationship. With our history I obviously have concerns with this. I'm not sure what to do, I want to support her and her program because I love her and desire her to do well but I am worried about losing her in the process. It's kind of hard being the guy who gets what is left over. I don't want to tell her my frustrations because it will stress her out and she'll feel like she can't share with me (it's how she deals) about her school and she'll not feel like she can study around me because I'll feel like I'm coming 2nd to her schooling.

I'm trying to be the good husband and I'm trying to understand that this is just a phase of our life that we prayed about and that God will help us get through but I can't tell you how stressed out it is making me. I don't know how the guys on here are but my wife is my everything. I love her with all my heart and she is truly my best friend. I have few friends down here but I'm really not interested in making too many because my time is limited as it is.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for from you guys... I'm just missing my wife I guess...

Something to keep in mind is that she has to grow those relationships with the others in her classes. They will be important contact points for her when she enters the profession.

Just like I'm sure you have teacher connections.

I had a really big good answer, but I have a toddler around too.. Dang it!!!!!!!!!!! I'kk have to come back and rewrite everything later.. I have a kid in the tub calling for me right now...

back later :wave:

I've decided not to go into what i had previously begun to post, so I'll go this way:

That is the way any job is. Ask any stay at home wife if her husband comes home tired and wanting to be alone or if there much left over for her after his long day working.. That is just the way it is and working moms have the same issues, too. After working all day, there isn't anything left over for your spouse. If you and your wife choose the lifestyle of two full time workers in the house, you will have to deal with this times two and adjust the best you can. I am sorry, but that is the way it is. We are not supermen. We can't give all our time and energy to the boss man and have energy and gumption enough left over at the end of the day for each other... Surely you understand, working all day yourself. When both of you are doing it, and both of you have to detox from your work/school day, then the relaxed time and bonding time is reduced even more..

Being a woman, I am torn. On one hand, I would love to leave this house and do something that pleases me and helps us out financially at the same time. I would love to go for a different degree and get all sorts of education in a different area. But on the other hand, I know that if I do that, our already strained marriage will suffer more, the kids will be at a disadvantage by having both parents absent and unavailable for the majority of the day, and all of the family relationships will have to be sacrificed to some degree....

Its a big, huge, massive burden for women to have to deal with these days. Now that we have more opportunities, do we take them and accept the sacrifice that goes with the advantages, or do we remain in the role of the "wife", "homemaker", "mother", "lover", etc...

Even without the advantages of education and employment, the responsibilities of a woman are abundant. We just have to decide if we want to add on to our full plates and whatever falls of, falls off...

Just my .02

Commence the tomato throwing!--I've got my umbrella!!

I kinda figured I'd get the "this is the way life is" response and I recognize that. We are not doing all of this to chase $$ but the idea is that having her own practice we'll be able to spend more time together and the more $$ will afford us the opportunity to work less and be around the family more. I appreciate that she isn't "superwoman" and I recognize that it might be a little unrealistic for me to think she'll handle relationships like I do (I normally keep people at arms length and just spend my work time working, I run home to spend time with those I really care about.

So I guess my options are to have her be a SAHM and have her drop out of her program (which we've already invested almost $50K into) and give up on her dream or just deal with having an absent wife and ignore my jealousies and fears of another affair...

... neither one sounds very appealing to me.

I totally understand...Its a lose/lose situation. I feel like I'm in a similar boat, except I realy don't have any "dreams" or "ambitions" There is so much I'd like to do, but I have kids and their very existance forbids me doing what I'd like.... I think that is part of the reason I'm a little bitter at my unplanned pregnancies. With each one I became more tied down and unable to live for myself....

I recognize that I'm just down right now and miss my wife... the feeling comes and goes. We're coming up on a vacation so hopefully we'll get to reconnect and it will carry us through until the next time we get some time off together. I know God has a plan for us and I know if I am faithful that it will better than I ever expected it to be so for now I'll just have to trust and pray...

I'm sorry you're doing it tough right now and will be praying for you.

Here are a bunch of random thoughts. If any gel with you - great, if not, dismiss them.

I don't believe that just because you know it is 'the way it is right now' means that you have to just suck it up and ignore your feelings. They are valid and real. Just as her tiredness etc is also valid and real.

I know you are concerned about her response if you let her know how you feel but is it possible for you to let her know how you are feeling, while at the same time letting her know you don't expect anything from her other than being able to share the feelings? And that you still want her to be able to share that part of her life with you? Are you able to let her know you miss her in a way which will communicate your love for her, not as a criticism of what she is doing? I miss you can be said as a demand or as a loving statement of affection.

I guess I'm coming from the place that it is best to be open and honest in marriage about what we are feeling rather than bottling it. It doesn't necessarily mean you need to demand anything from her or expect anything to change. Could you talk about the fact that you realise it has to be this way at the moment and also let her know what's going on for you? She may be totally unaware of how you are feeling and just being aware of it and talking about it together may help to alleviate some of the stress and concern.

I pray you will receive wisdom from your Father for this. Your commitment to your marriage and obvious love for your wife is beautiful to see.


Bless you both

I thought about emailing her a link to this thread or something but unfortunately she tends to think instantly that it is because she is a poor wife and she's a failure and she beats up on herself- which isn't what I desire at all. She tends to take things really personally. I totally understand that this is a rough patch in her life and her school is extremely demanding. I totally understand that she needs to focus on her school if she wants to be successful. I totally understand that she is excited about her school and she is fulfilling a dream.

I know I am just being selfish. I don't want to be. I want to be an understanding, caring, loving, husband who is supportive and lifts her up. I want to be the man God wants me to be. I want to trust God and my wife and honestly believe that whatever happens He will get me through it and if my wife decides to have another affair that God will ultimately be glorified and if I constantly seek His will regardless of how my wife acts, regardless of what fears I have, regardless of what happens in my life God will be glorified through it.

I desire all of these things but in my heart I also desire just to have my wife and to hold her. To know that she'll always be there and that we can have the marriage we planned on when she walked down that aisle. When the affair happened many people suggested I leave and go on with my life. They suggested that I could find that life with someone else but I know that God placed her in my life for a reason and I know that her sin is not any worse than any other sin I've committed on her. I love her... end of story. I am committed to her, that's it. I don't desire a life without her nor do I think it is God's desire that I leave her.

I'm not even sure why I started this thread or what I hoped to get as far as advice from it. I'll continue to support and love her and try and be the man God desires me to be. Hopefully that'll pull me through.

I would pray for your dreams to change and hopefully they can change to something that has your kiddo's involved. I had so many dreams that were cxld when kiddo's came into my life so I had to adjust my goals. One goal was to run a 5K (last year) and it was SO EXCITED to sprint to the finish line and have my kiddo's cheering me. They also 'trained' with me etc. Shift them a little...
Sorry to derail :P

Do you know how many times I could have said this??

I think to come here and talk is theraputic..For me it is...Helps me get over those humps of depression that surround marital issues....

:hug: