A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY...
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.
Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided
it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek
goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to
her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stairmonster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:
Her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me
on the rowing machine which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body
I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and
I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want
to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife
(the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root
canal or a vasectomy.
:rolf: :rolf:
:rolf:
I made it 'til Wednesday.....the part about laying on his toothbrush cracked me up!!
Very funny...... :haha:
Like Deb...I made it to Wed but the toothbrush got to me.
Men are so weak! :cheeky: