I'm bent, bent bad right now, ya know I can deal wit strangers dickin me over, thats common practice it would seem. I'm used to strangers liein to me, givin me bad er wrong directions, even feedin me mis-information jes to screw wit me. But what I cain't stand, what I cain't deal wit, what chips away at my very being, what rips my heart apart to where I jes git sick even thinkin bout em is my very own. My own faimly, who seems to git thier kicks by liein to me, never lookin ahead, feedin me misinformation that jes kills me in so many ways. An each time it happens, it drives me jes that much further away from even wantin to think thier name.

Today it cost me a stern talkin to by a DOT man in GlenDive MT (which btw, any MT's can jes keep thier lousey cold backsided state :P ) A nasty turn around in some chinese repair shop wit a very pissed off chinese lady, a good 30 mins of lost time, jes to all in the end find out I am payin .40 cents more a gallon for fuel, when I could have jes gotten 60 gallons to git to the next state an pay .40 cents less for fuel, a difference of 80.00 dollars!!!!

80 bucks can go a very very long way, espically in fuel. I have always hated waste, forever will an I did nuthin but a huge waste an didn't even know it tell I started lookin it up mysef. So thats the answer though isn't it? If you cain't trust anyone to not go out of thier way to screw you, then the only other way is to do it yoursef. I jes hate when so many in my faimly say they are tryin to help, er want to help me out all the while havin some other motive (apperently) of screwin you. Which is why I am haulin heavy groceries to a grocery whse for bout a dollar a mile to the worthless east coast because "It's a good load" Nuthin ever seems to change no matter how much I pray Gods will, no matter how much I fight to change thins, it always seems to git worse. An I am wresttlin wit God, how can this sort of bull be God's will, when He said He wants us to prosper? I feel like I'm always on the ragged edge ready to jes let go an be done wit everbody an everthin.......

Louis, you are you're own worst enemy. This situation could have been avoided if your temper hadn't got the best of you. If you hadn't have blown when I tried to give you the fueling information in the first place you would have found out how much fuel to get. I'm not trying to start a fight but the whole world is not out to screw you over least of all me. The sooner you realise that the better off we'll all be.

Your pathetic.... an I'll go so far as to say your a liar, here is the ENTIRE fuel information given to me --

rah says:
you're going to fuel at Trail Star Truck Stop, Glendive, MT I-94 exit 213

Don't you even try an turn this around, you hung up on me, YOU are NOT goin to give me this bullshit of it bein ALL my fault. You, once agin, in my mind, in my perception, diliberately screwed me over, YOU, had me take an exit that says NO TRUCKS, you had my nuts on a platter infront of some very pissed off chinese lady.

An you've the nerve to blame me? Sayin I'm the one that screwed up? Thanks, you've proven to me agin what I have been complainin to you bout for a very long time. Why should you care? 80 bucks pissed away, no biggy Louis will jes make more... must be damned nice to have someone elses disposalble income to play wit.

Yes, that's the info I gave you and if you'll notice in our chat log there is a gap in time because you then called me after I sent that message blasting me because you didn't want to know about the fuel in MT but in OR and then things deteriorated from there.

Yes, I hung up on you because you insisted on calling me some not so nice names and I don't think I deserve to be spoken to that way. You then called back and asked me if I had hung up on you and I told you yes and why. You then proceeded to spout filth from your mouth again so I hung up again. I then sent you a message saying that I wasn't going to listen to that language and that if you couldn't be respectful to me even when you are upset then I didn't want to hear it.

You get so blind in your anger that all you see is rage. I've never said I was totally innocent but you are not rational or reasonable when you are mad.

You told me at the beginning of the day that you were grouchy and I told you then that I would try not to piss you off. But it always ends the same and I'm sure it can't be me 100% of the time deciding "Hey, Louis is grouchy, what a perfect opportunity to piss him off super fast today". No one in their right mind would do that. I mean, geez, would you want to be on the receiving end of you when your fuse blows knowing what you're like?

Oh yes.. poor lil abused Sarah, big mean husband was attackin you, was callin YOU names etc etc etc, you know what? cry me a river, I am so tired of you actin like you've done nuthin wrong, makin out like your a bed of roses an I am a pile of shit. You refuse to accept responsibility for anythin you've done, while I have given up, even told you as much, I'll be wrong an you be right, then you wanted to fight that wit me even. No I'm sorry, ever one else may by your "I'm so innocent" routine but I gave up on that one a very long time ago. It takes two to fight, it's that simple.

At any rate I've been advised that there is no need for communication wit you at this time unless there is a problem wit the kids. Which I assume are still alive....

always my anger, always my temper, I'm always the blind one... cry me a frickin river.....


(Am I mad? no I am upset an done, am I bein hurtful? I am honestly not tryin to be, merely speakin what I know to be true. Am I the bad guy? Not my call to make an I flat out don't care anymore, am I innocent? hell no, it takes two to fight, drilled into my head as a boy, of course I'm not innocent, but I'll be damned if I'm goin to continue to always be the only one in a marriage who is mean, filthy, abusive, etc etc etc etc that list never seems to git any shorter)

How do you talk to someone when they are like this? That they are so blind with rage that they can't see what they're doing?

I never said I was totally innocent yet you insist that I say that. I never said that I was the poor little abused one and that you're the mean husband but do you deny what you said to me? Facts are facts. And if you are so mad that you don't remember it then you need to get help for you temper. Not for me but for yourself.

The temper blinds you. It prevents you from seeing reality. It clogs your memory and all you remember is that you were right - even if you weren't.

When I got in those moods, I was right. Everyone else could go to hell, I was right. I could say the grass was purple, and dammit - everyone better agree with me.

The rage feels good. It makes me feel powerful. It makes me feel bulletproof. I become, for all intents and purposes, god-like in my own mind. It's a delusion, but I believe it.

It feels good, so I feed it. I feed it by baiting others to do something that will justify more rage. Then, my anger grows and I feel even better.

By this point, I'm totally irrational. Nothing can be said to calm me down - everything would be taken as an argument - and feed the inferno in my mind. It's gotta be fed. I'm now throwing furniture and putting my fist through walls (trying to put it through bricks and find out I'm not invincible).

Finding no satisfaction at home, I jump in my car to get away from all the idiots who don't agree with me. Of course, that's probably worse 'cuz the car is so dangerous.

There's no way to reason with someone in a mood like that. Everything you do or say will be twisted and used against you, even silence. (no Miranda rights).

My goodness, your really pullin out all the stops today aren't you? Don't mind me none, go git everone to pat you on the back an tell you how your the only one tryin er whatever other silliness thin there is. Blame my temper all you want, its got nuthin to do wit it. Though funny how I had worked for years to control mysef an then... gee I donno, one day for no reason at all Louis jes decided he'd be upset bout this er that, poor innocent Sarah cain't imagine for the life of er what oh what could ever possibly be wrong.

I remember clearly, cause as you have painted a picture of me bein enraged I simply was not, when I am enraged I do not remember thins, yet I remember ever word, includin the bad advice bout leavin the OR truck stop. Say what you may, paint the picture whichever way you wish, I have no need to deny anythin, I need not defend mysef against thins that didn't happen. I make no bones bout it, I hide behind nuthin, I was mad, I was yellin, I was not "speakin filth" to you. Say what you will, make who you wish believe what you will, I do not care, an further I will merely do what I must for my own sanity. The stern talkin to by the WA sheriff was all the more proof I needed from you, as it was a no through truck road as well.... neglected to say that didya in the pick up info? Spopsed to follow the truck route in town to the same road an then make the right, an the place bein two miles past that buildin. No... I don't buy your innocent routine, though it's jes awful strange how any time you are mad at me, sumthin like mis information is given. I will do what I need to send you your pay check. Mom's already done the one to OR, so be my guest an go git it.



(I realize I am usin sarcasm an rude speech, but I truly feel it's all I have left an I'm not hearin anythin new that I haven't been toleratin in the same amount for years now.)

Why is it that if someone doesn't agree with you it's because I've gotten to them and duped them into supporting my cause?

Did I say I was the only one trying?

I know you had worked hard on your temper. In my opinion stress is the number one cause that has an impact on your temper worsening again.

I have never said I was innocent but I am not the vindictive, vengeful wife that you perceive me to be.

I gave you bad advice leaving the OR truck stop? You said you were going to take 207 to 395 unless I thought of a better way. I said what about the interstate so you didn't have to go through town but that it was up to you which way you wanted to go.

These were the directions I gave you to the pick up:
17 N turn R on Wheeler (approx. 2.5 miles passed I-90)
2 miles on the Left just passed Home of Iron Man
Go in 2nd driveway to the scales.
J R Simplot
14124 Wheeler RD

I got these directions from the company itself. I'm sorry if they didn't work out just right but what can I do to verify that they are correct other than checking them against a map which I did? If you had called me like you usually do I could have helped you.

Hey, A2J - I recognize the rant. Nevermind what Sarah said, I recognize it 'cuz it's mine at times as well. Everything I wrote in that post came from my memory - not from anything Sarah said.

You got a problem with what I said, bring it to me. I'll be here for another 30 minutes.

:popcorn:


(seems appropriate)

Okay, I have nothing constructive to add at this time

**no, that is NOT sigworthy :rollseyes: **

I just wanted to say I'm praying hard for you guys. :pray:

Clay, I don't know what the hell your talkin bout, what post? what memory? I haven't a clue whatchya talkin bout, care to elabortae on it?

Come dark time I am unable to type an drive at the same time, sorry donno off hand when you wrote that so I donno if I'm wit in your 30 min thingy er not

Yah ok, whatever, what the hell has this got to do wit the price of rice in china? er for that matter that chinise gal wantin to hang me?? When have I ever said someone had to agree wit me??

Agin, what the hell are you talkin bout? But if you must know, I have a list as long as my arm (not that I've been countin lately) of not tryin, er at least from my perspective, not tryin.

Stress......... ok.. yeah, I'm sure THAT's gotta be it! Couldn't possibly have anythin to do wit the bullshit you've been dishin out for a year er so huh? Yeah your right, it's stress, it's allll this "stress". I don't know why ever stinkin arguemnt always comes down to: Louis = wrong = bad temper/rage, Sarah = right = poor innocent victim.

Is that a fact? Then perhaps you'd care to explain why I got screwed round in MT's fuelin? etc

An BINGO!! we have a winner............ now tell me.. objectively what does what you wrote sound like to you? To me it says, I asked your advice, you gave me your opinion, an then for some wonderous reason I exploded.................. it's bullshit!

I told you which way I was goin to go, you then argued wit me an told me which way I ought to go. This has nuthin to do wit "what you thought" it's bullshit, an this is precisely why I say your playin the innocent victim, your full of it.

Yeah an? what part of it have you left out since you "looked at the map"? How's bout the truck route down to wheeler road? An what of the fact it was like 2 more miles past the frickin buildin? Doesn't matter anyways, I've dodged the bullet TWICE now, once from a sheriff an the other DOT for bein where I'm not sposed to be. No sweat off your back as usual.

An here we have it.... hence the one thread an soon another. Why didn't *I* call you? After all, you hung up on me twice, claimin I was callin you sumthin. Burn me once shame on you, burn me twice shame on me? Should I really go for a third? To heck wit you an that stupididty. I haven't heard from you in two frickin days... now I wonder, I jes really frickin wonder why that is THIS TIME.....

You said this earlier

That is what I was refering to.

I would like to see this list.

Why do you jump to this:

Did I say that? You read into things that were never said.

I don't know why you got screwed around. I told you after we last talked on the phone if you couldn't speak respectfully then I didn't want to hear it. Since you still haven't called me I'm assuming you still can't speak respectfully. I did send you an email yesterday to try to open up the lines of communication. But I did not want to try calling again just to have an argument.

I asked you what about the interstate. You asked my opinion so I brought that option up. I told you at the time to take whatever route you thought was best. I'm not your mother. I don't get pissed off if you want to take a different route. You're the one that's out there driving it.

Do the directions I gave you not approximate with the map?

You know that we get poor directions from people sometimes. I do the best I can with the information I have. The person I spoke with at the company made no mention of a truck route so how was I supposed to know?

I hung up on you because you were swearing at me. I told you that. I also told you that if you couldn't speak to me with respect then I didn't want to hear it. Maybe I'm wrong for this but I assumed you would call me when you cooled down as I saw no point in calling you to have round 3 while you were still hot. I did however email you yesterday in order to open up communication with you. You have had internet since you've made posts here and I have yet to hear back. I was trying to limit conflict as tempers can fly a lot easier over the phone than they can through the written word.

Your right, 100% right, mean o'l disresp[ectful Louis was absuin you on the phone an bla bla bla bla bla.... that's all I hear anymore anyways, Louis this, Louis that, you poor absued victim. This is why I have taken steps to prevent mean o'l Louis from botherin poor o'l Sarah any more........................

phone calls... what a joke, this is a joke, it's always a joke! Here Sarah, once agin, for I donno the 100 th time er sumthin, I believe you are far to prideful to ever itiante repair. It's always the same, I'm the one that has to come "crawlin back into your good graces" well ya know what? stick it, I have no intentions, you've pushed me as far as I'm to be pushed. This is apperently what you've been wantin as you've made it your mission to shove me out the door. Fine, done. Do you even realize there has never not once ever been a time you've actually called me after an arguement? Not once have you ever come to me an said enough is enough. Ok, le'me take that back, there was a time a few years ago after a fight I got an email callin me an asshole an when I threw clothes in my pick up then you started talkin... rather yellin whatever, not once have you ever come an said look we need to stop this, er I'm sorry er you know what, you were wrong but it doesn't matter. I've had it wit stupidity from everbody.

I'm not goin to bother an go through all your quotes, it's jes another huge waste of time sayin the same thin you always do an I don't wanna hear it anymore. You won't budge on anythin an I'm sick of bein the one to move. Forgit it, it's not worth this much shit. You say you offered your opinion in OR. How can you flat out lie like this? Why on earth did I git mad bout it in the first place? Why on earth did I go out to the interstate in the first place?? Maybe, jes maybe cause I wasn't goin to keep arguin wit you bout it an would jes do it so I didn't have to listen to you bitch bout it anymore. Fat lotta good that did, you said I was speakin to YOU disrespectfully. Well what else is new, you were jes sittin there mindin your own buisness when mean o'l Louis come along an blasted you speakin to you disrespectfully etc for no appernt reason. Geezz woman git off your frickin high horse.

I'm not goin to play silly games wit you, you maintian it's my way er the highway, I say it's the other way around, if I don't do thins jes to your likin there's all hell to pay. I think you are bein prideful like I normally feel like your bein after an arguement, you refuse to open any lines of commuinication an I don't give a shit anymore, don't what do I care, you wanna say you sent an email... yeah, that's sumthin I check often isn't it? I did happen to check it TODAY, this afternoon waitin on broker information, I'm not goin to read it, not even goin to give it the time of day, wanna know why? You once AGIN have sent sumthin out of spite, you did it before, your doin it agin - an to anyone wonderin bout that, I asked Sarah months ago to write down er feelins, to tell me what I am missin, er what it is I'm not seeins. Sarah's only response has been to not bother to do it (real shock there) when she did do sumthin of it, in the heat of an arguement she comes an tells me she sent it, I go to look an it says right there, that she hasn't finished it. So to me it's a direct sabotage of any talks, I'm mad, she's mad an she is goin to send sumthin to me that is "sposed" to help our relationship that I asked er to send which is no doubt goin to upset me further because for cryin out loud, I asked er to tell me er feelins so that means it cain't be much good for me, cause it's sposed to have all the thins in it that I'm doin wrong er that upset er. What brainiack would send that to someone, incomplete when they are already pissed off???? So no, I didn't bother to read it, donno even when it was sent, don't care, what's the point anymore? An, today is Thursday, you hung up on tuesday, heard nuthin all the rest of tuesday, nuthin on wed, an today the only thin I git is your defense of how I F'd up!!! wit the fuelin... yeah... thanks.. nuthin changes an I don't care for it to anymore.

WOw...I'm speechless...I believe, that at this point you both need to step back and cool off. Way back. I think that if you want to reconcile and save this marriage that perhaps a temporary separation might be in order. Take some time away from each other, BOTH of you seek some counselling SEPARATELY, and just start from there, gradually coming together again a while.....

I also add to journal. I think BOTH of you need to get your thoughts down and OUT so you don't hold onto them.
I too am speechless and can't add more. :(

A2J, I am appalled that you would talk to someone you claim to love like that. Sarah didn't have to say anything to get me on her side, your vitriol took care of that all on its own.