So today my husband chamged my cell phone number because he s afraid that somewhere down the road "he" might call me......I know it won't happen but husband felt the need to change my number anyway...Now I have to inform everyone--friends, family, and all businesses like doctors, mortgage co., ets(mine is the primary number) of the new numvber change... I really think it is unfair. If I were a teenager doing something bad I would understand the parental intervention, but I am not his child. I feel that this is a control thing--I understand partially his reasons--He's scared, but to go so far as to essentially say that "I'm changing your number so I will have control of who has is and who calls you" Doesn't feel very good and doesn't incite warm feeling in me.....

Actually I'm angry about it. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he wanted to do it and we argued about it. I guess having control over my hone number make shim feel more secure.... :urgh:

:doh: Good grief... where an when does enuff become enuff??

Everbody has insecurities, that's a given, but if you run round an try to control ever lil thin all you end up doin is drivin more deeper wedges between whatever it is your tryin to control, let alone jes run yoursef ragged tryin to keep up wit it all.

I think this is silly, an now I realize I haven't read "everthin" that has happened but so far as I know, you haven't done anythin so bad to shake the foundation of trust er acted out on sumthin. So far as I know. I understand you talked wit an ex. so far as I know that's all that it was right? An it's been what? 2 er 3 months since you broke off ties? so if the guy wanted to call you he could already have done so! This seems really silly to me.

*note to sef... change Sarah's number so I cain't member it an actually call er! Seems crazy! I mean gee, all it really serves to do is cause more problems then avoidin the possible chance the guy might call. I believe in safe gaurdin your marriage, but your the one that has to do that, so if he calls he calls, what of it? It'd be up to you to gaurd your marriage in that respect.

Yep, for what it's worth IMHO he overstepped the bounds on that one.

He kept asking me why I felt it was so important to keep the number, insinuating that I wanted "C" to call me or be able to if he wanted...he didn't even consider that i wanted the number to stay the same because I didn't want to be controlled and ordered about....

I think doing it now, so long after ending contact with "him" that it is pretty controlling. But this is upsetting too, in that maybe Cliff isn't as ok with everything as he's saying? He's stewing over this, not healing.

Basil... not the best move....

The jealousy / fear she's gonna contact the old flame will put a stranglehold on the relationship... Trust me my wife is so deathly afraid of me talking to my ex it isn't funny.... I can't even contact her dad and brothers who were some of my best friends....

All changing hte number is gonna do is give String heartache and headache trying to chase down every possible professional that might contact her and give them new info.... plus if she really wanted to contact "him" she can just give him the new number.....

He says that he feels like a burden has been lifted, knowing that "he" can't contact me...Also he said that he would call all the businesses and update our numbers, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. I'm sure he will post his perspective on this here when he can...

Basil,

I don't mean to jump on the bandwagon here but I have to agree with everyone else. I agree especially with the poster that talked about you stewing over this instead of giving it up to God. Dude, having been in a similar situation I understand your wanting her to have no problem with it- you see it as she wants to keep it for him to call. Honestly I think she just didn't want to deal with the hassle... who does? How would you feel, how would anyone feel if someone came down pulled the "submit" card and told you to change your phone number- I'd be pissed and fight you just on principle!

I don't understand why this wasn't handled earlier anyway. With our situation we disconnected any way the other guy could contact my wife. We moved 300 miles away. This was all in less than 4 days. 3 months after the fact means you are probably stewing about it and haven't yet given it up to God. It's expected that your wife has to build up trust again but... well here, let me tell you a bit about my story as an example of what not to do...

After the affair we moved away and we lived off of savings for a while trying to get "us" good. My wife found a job first, working at a coffee shop. She worked only a few hours a day and would call me as often as possible to make me feel like everything was okay. Eventually we both got jobs. We'd call each other all the time and she would only work at places where there were no men (at first I was very nervous about her working with men b/c the other guy was a coworker). She found a job running a chiropractic office for 3 years working for a female chiropractor. She had very little interaction with men at all. This made me feel safe and all but when we moved down here and she began going to chiropractor school she is with mostly men 8-10 hours a day. She has to palpate their spines, find muscles and ligaments etc. on their bodies and allow them to try and find things on her. It was terrible for me- we went from 0-100 in a day. There was no transition time. It was especially hard on my wife who felt she had completly been changed and that I still thought of her as that same woman who had the affair. It was a really rough patch.

She would choose female partners as often as she could. She'd tell me all about her day so I wouldn't feel worried but the fact of the matter was she shouldn't have had to go through that! For over 3 years she didn't have opportunities to show me that she was trustworthy so 3 years later we had to pack that into a few weeks. I would have suggested that you let your wife keep her cell number and if you wanted occasionally ask her if the guy had called. Trust her to hang up the phone if he does. Give her opportunities to demonstrate that she is a changed woman and dedicated to your marriage. If you don't you are just spinning your wheels. It might seem easier for now but you CAN'T keep this up. Eventually it will catch up with you. Give it to God and try as hard as you can to trust your wife. I'm prayin' for ya bro and any time you wanna talk you can PM me or email me.

God Bless,

CJ

P.S. String- he screwed up- please don't resent him, cut him some slack. He made a selfish move... forgive him.

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Hold the phone...literally.

The Base man is just human. He's been hurt and his trust in String is less than before.

I say "big deal", it's just a stupid phone. (I hate phones)

Their marriage is way more important and Basil, as leader of the family has a legitmate beef given string's stumble...

Small price if you ask me.

We're also supposed to trust our spouses.

The only things that should be done behind their backs are presents, and surprises for them.

He should trust her when she says she's broken off contact for good.

And being leader of our families doesn't always make us right.

I lost count of the things I screwed up and I'm not even two full years in yet.

(As a victim of the "I don't trust you even though you're not doing anything worng at this exact moment" mentality, I can understand the extra strain that that places on a relationship. Especially one that needs to heal from the recent wounds not suffer new wounds)

If he believes that there was a threat of harm to come to String and or the children I can see changing it without prior agreement.

But as husbands we need to respect our wives, as much as we feel they need to respect us (sometimes moreso because admit it guys sometimes we have major egos that we must have storked).

We love them that's why we maried them. They deserve respect, and to be treated as adults.

(Where do all these soapboxes come from and how come I can't avoid stepping on them?)


See pretensious ego... I proved my own point....

Thanks for your replies, guys...To be more accurate it has only been a month and a half...I'll try to get him to come on here and reply later today...


His thing is that he feels more comfortable knowing that "he" doesn't have my number and can't call me. I told him that would never happen but he is too worried to believe it. I still get angry thinking about it because I feel like he is treating me like a disobedient child and it is not his place to treat me that way. I feel frustrated because I had absolutely no choice in the matter. Like my hands are tied and I can't do a thing. The feeling of having all your personal will and choices taken from you is so defeating and just enrages me...But I can't do anything about it...I hate that...

String, could you resize your sig picture? I have to keep scrolling back and forth to read your posts.

Ok, Sorry for the inturrption...please continue.

I changed the pic--Sorry it was so big...

OK, what's that one? Is that one of those pictures where you stare at it and see something else in it?

Yeah. I never got into acid. Can't see anything in those! :wave:

Acid...oh boy.

Yeah...That one is a pic of a couple of sharks...

Not being able to browse online at work has greatly limited my time on here, so sorry it took so long to post a response about this.

I mulled this over from the moment I heard she had given the number to him-- in fact I felt like throwing the phone out the window, when I learned that she had been calling him and receiving calls. My trust had been crushed, and I really never had trust issues with her before. I know some say big deal they talked, but the intensity of emotions that were kindled during their communication was so great that our marriage and family seemed expendable at that moment in time. She was ready to call it quits, even though she knew that jumping on a plane to Italy was impossible. She didn't know what she wanted to do, but she did know she didn't want to be married any longer. I hate to even go back there, because I think things are much better now, but she relayed some very painful feelings to me that broke my heart. I'm not saying this to whine, I'm facing this and doing a lot to make things better, but it's hard to forget her telling me how she would never be able to love me like this other guy. I think she sees things a lot differently now, but these are some of the painful memories that don't go away very easily--God is helping, but it cannot be as though it never happened.

I know that Mandy loves me enough to never contact this guy again, but I also know that based on the emotions she felt for him, that if he ever calls again, it will disrupt the healing process and throw things into an upheaval all over again. I felt that all I was "controlling" was one thing, this guys access to my wife and the pain this would not only cause me, but her as well. I trust her, but I am realistic enough to know that emotions such as she was experiencing are difficult overcome. I say overcome because I believe romantic love for another person outside each of our marriages is an attack that can only be orchestrated by our enemy. I carefully considered this and still believe that this is just one shield against such darts aimed at destroying our unity in marriage. I know she could still contact him and accept that there is nothing I can do to control her--I am not trying to do that-- but keeping my house securely out of reach from anyone who'd disrespect the sacredness of our marriage I have no apology for. I trust she won't contact him, but I know that it would be emotionally difficult for her if he contacted her again.

I don't think I'll be getting much sympathy on here, but I agree with what squat said, rare occurence :gotcha: , that it's only a number. It unfortunately made her feel controlled, but I've tried to explain the emotional reasons why this was important to my healing process. I just needed to feel like this possible agent of destruction was blocked. It may seem controlling, but it's hard to control my uneasiness, because it's not based on some irrational fear, but on something that really happened only a couple months ago. If it helps me let go of some of my insecurity, then changing a phone number is worth it--at least to me. Also, since it's happened she hasn't seemed to be too mad. Her initial reaction was anger as expected, but I don't think this set her healing back very far. She has expressed at least a little empathy, which I greatly appreciate.



Basil

Uh-oh. You're in trouble...

:haha:

Maybe you two should have just switched phones.

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So did you get your Ph.D at Harvard, like me?

Sorry guys - I am going to have to back Basil on this one... to an extent. I support you wholeheartedly on protecting you family. I think that is something that needs to be fiercely guarded on all sides. IT would have been better to talk with String about the number and agree together to get it changed. By doing it without discussing it with her you broke her trust in you that you guys are a team. Other than that I think you need to continue supporting your wife in building the walls around her heart against others and around your marriage. God Bless you both, I am really glad to hear that you are in a better place.

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So in other words....Squat is right.

I still don't understand how changing a phone number could keep String from calling the guy. I understand HE can't call her, but what's the difference? I just think it's controlling in a sort of passive, scary way.

Sorry Basil. I can't imagine how you feel because I know this betrayal was HUGE. But the process of regaining trust can have set backs, for both of you. And I think you need to be careful. I think you'll have total psycho moments (try to keep them to yourself, you'll only scare String). And I think she'll have scary moments too. But it's a process. God WILL heal you both because you've sought Him and placed Him at the center of all of this.

I personally think 4jacks had a great idea.....just switch phones.....

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ibte

(In before the edit)



p.s. who is 4jacks?

ok, you win (for once)....I MEANT sf49erfan....

gimme a break, I've had a hard day.... :wall:

Well, that's just it, I trust her to not call him again, but I think if he calls it will throw things into another mess all over again. I'm just trying to guard, not only my heart, but our marriage as well. If she is struggling with extra-marital feelings, then the last thing that would be productive is having this ex call and romance her, which, based on the emails I read, was exactly what was going on. We can't always help having inappropriate feelings, but we can react against them and redirect our hearts in the way we should go. Sometimes in our weakness it's hard to do this--we must look to God for strength and help bearing our pain.

God used this to break and re-set our marriage, healing it from the crooked state it had been in. God uses evil to guide us--all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. This was an attack on our marriage and family, but it failed and has actually helped to heal us and is making our marriage stronger, although the challenges are far from over. We must remain vigilant forever.

I know we all agree marriage is a sacred state of existence made holy by God. We must choose to keep it holy--it doesn't remain that way without our cooperation with God. I wasn't doing this myself, which is part of the reason this trouble came upon us.

Basil

We did talk about it. Not a lot, since I didn't want to spend our time trying to repair things fighting about changing her number. But when we did talk about it, maybe three times in two months, the more she argued against changing it, the more I suspected that her real motive was wanting to keep this potential channel of communication open so her ex could call her in the future. Do you know how many numbers and email addresses we've gone through since being married? It is normally no big deal, but then when it came to changing this number she pitched a fit--it didn't make sense to me, except to feel she had other motives than just not wanted to learn and distribute a new number. Once I made the bad decision, many years ago, to give our phone number to an ex and when she started calling and hanging up when String answered, she didn't think twice about changing the number. It was no big deal. She says me changing the number made her feel controlled, but I assured her that I trust her and that all I intended by my actions was to block one person from ever contacting her again. I didn't try to act like a parent and limit phone use, take it away from her, or any nonsense like that. I don't feel it was controlling, just protective. Maybe if I were emotionally more secure, I wouldn't have needed to do this for peace of mind, but I feel I have valid fears about what might happen if he calls again, especially before we have time to really repair the years of hurt that have come between us.

She finally told me to go ahead and change the number, but her tone made it clear she didn't want me to do it. I did it, and for an evening or two things were a little cold, but she really didn't seem to stay mad long, although anytime it's brought up it still makes her mad, I'm sure. Things are still progressing ncely, so to me it was worth it, even if it upset her a little. It's mostly behind us, and as the wise squat has said, "it's just a number."

Basil

:rollseyes: Yeah..It went something like this:

"Fine-Do whatever the hell youi want to do--it doesn't seem like I have any say in the matter anyway"

the situation with his ex was different. He was talking toher and lying about it and had been since we had first met. She was persistant and at the time I didn't even know it was her hanging up on me all the time. I learned that a little later, but changing our number did no good since he gave her our new one :wall:
(This went on for the first 2 1/2 years of our marriage :boo: )

I didn't want my number changed for the sole reason of control. Changing my number was like treating me like a bad little child and I didn't appreciate the way his behavior and control in this issue made and makes me feel.... First he had me cancel my myspace page, then he started checking my email obsessively and then he changed my number and now he has asked me to change my personal email address.... I have to draw the line somewhere....

I hear what you're saying, but I think "grounding" you from the phone, getting rid of it, or limiting your access to it would have been overboard and treating you like a child. Simply changing the number doesn't do that, it only keeps him, one person, from having another change to act inappropriately again.

As far as drawing a line . . . I would like to draw it around our marriage, vowing to keep it holy, or actually working harder to keep the vow we already have made to God to keep it holy. Though we both have failed at times, we must get back up and keep trying until the end. Whatever it takes to safely secure this line must be done. If there is any way he could ever reach you again, update you on his life, or act inappropriately again, in his sickness, then that porthole should be sealed. If he has a way to reach you, you could not easily bear the temptation to withdraw and flee the other direction at this point, so we should be careful for both of our sakes that this temptation cannot re-enter our lives. We will continue to work on our marriage, but it will probably take years to repair our problems--I just want the change to heal without additional trauma occuring.

I love you.

Basil

sig worthy

So now he's had me change my personal email address!! I hate this....Says he can't move on until that burden is lifted. Did it for the same reason as the phone. Says that he is afraid that someday "he" might try to contace me and wants to removwe that possibility by changing email and phone--I understand, but I still feel controlled and treated like a child. I hate it... :bored:

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consequences suck...maybe you should not have contacted Romeo in the first place.


Reap and Sow....


Pray for patience, pray for basil...Put God 1st, Basil 2nd, Kids 3rd and yourself 4th...it will be ok.

Now this is a sig worthy post! I totally agree!

Squat is a good bro.


I think that all of this should have been done months ago as soon as it all came out.

Squat - where do you live, I gotta buy you a beer!

Squat doesn't drink beer. But he did have a good post up there! :thumbsup:

When if first came out I wanted to cancel our internet service, cancel the cell number String had been using, and any email account involved. I tried not to overreact, possibly driving String further away, but I wanted all of the means of contact to be closed. If String is serious about keeping our marriage holy, she must be willing to turn her back on "romeo" and prepare for the hard work of submitting our marriage to our Creator so that He can help recreate our marriage, making it mutually satisfying, united, and whole. I'm willing to fight, and even face some temporary fallout from her, to make the hard choices needed to started making our marriage a secure fortress that cannot be knocked down by our enemy.

By her changing her yahoo email id, I feel like the last loose string has been tied up (wait did I just say "loose String?" . . . she's really not loose at all . . . maybe I should have used a different metaphor--maybe she failed to use good judgment, but she hasn't been loose). Just like the phone number, my attitude is it's just an email address, and not one she uses much at all. No one emails her at it, but ol' boy has it, and if he ever wanted to in the future could have contacted her through it, so I feel like giving it up for my emotional healing, because of the poor choice she made, is not a huge "controlling" request. I told her I wouldn't make her do it, but I needed it to be closed to fully move on and stop worrying about her being contacted again in her current, emotionally vulnerable, state. I hope in the future it won't matter. I hope our marriage will be stronger, but we're not there yet.

I am working hard not to fight with her about these things, in fact, I think by God's grace, we've been able to work through all of this much more peacefully than than could be expected. It's been painful, but I really believe we're moving over the hump (but not skipping the hump :eyebrows: ). She is able to come back to terms with the fact that she doesn't completely hate me, as she had felt a couple months ago. I'm changing, which was needed, but we both can remember that there have been good times over the past seven years, something that she could hardly see when this first happened. She is still a long way emotionally from being completely happy with our marriage, but the sun is rising, bringing us out of the complete darkness of despair. Thanks, everyone for the prayers which helped us begin to be healed.

Basil

Hey! Its string's sister. I know that I haven't posted on here is FOR-E-VER, but I've been lurking aobut reading up on my sister. I love her dearly.

I know my sister. If you push she will push back 10 times harder. (trust me, I'm 7 years younger, I've pushed the buttons!!) Make her feel constricted in any way, and she will break out. She is also very depressed and has been for quite sometime. Me and Basil don't have the best of relationship or opinions of each other. (i'll just state the obvious about the elephant in the room.) We also do not agree about religion most of the time. My sister never should have contacted C, but maybe it was good. I just hope it will open some eyes about this whole situation... Both of their eyes. I know, I have many times wanted to hurt Basil (i'm not small and petite like my siter!!! :guns:
:box:
:ar15), but if it is best (because although I would support my sister 100% and help her in any way, I don't think divorce solves everything) then I have been prayign that this whole thing would work out between them. That my sister, by some miracle would not hate her life anymore. That she would start loving her children in the way she should. That everytime I talk to her I don't have to avoid somethings because it just starts a rant. That she could find friends.

But, I want to thank all of you. You have prayed for, shot straight with, and supported them. Thank you all so much. That, my friends, is what that whole church thing is supposed to be about.


Man, i need to quit thinking in parentheticals.