I thnk he wants me to leave....I don't know how to feel about this new development...

Why?
What makes you say that? Nothing I've seen on this board seems to indicate that.

Yes, I'll agree that he wants you to take off the time that you need, but I don't think he wants you to leave and never come back.

He emailed me and asked me if I want him to take me and the kids to my mom's tonight....Says that he can't stand not knowing what will happen with us and that if i'm going to leave then i should do it now rather than dragging it out for a long..I am not ready to make that decision, but he wants an end to this pain and "unknown future" stresses


He doesn't want me toleave but his emails seem to be pressuring me to get my stuff and go...

I just don't want to delay the inevitable. He come back to the U.S. in 2009. What if I put everything into this and then she leave at that time? If she isn't able to choose me, the life we've created, the marital unconditional love that I have for her, which isn't always the most passionate or exciting type, but is secure, what can I do? Please stay for me . .. .blubber blubber blubber . . . I don't have the strength now to be the one pushing to keep it all together. Either we work together in earnest, or it falls apart. It's gotta be 100/100 effort.

Basil

Seriously - give it a rest. Stop talking and act. Don't say, "I'll change". Change. Don't say, "I'll be different". Be different. That's all there is to it. Show her what you want her to hear. Demonstrate it. Don't say it.

Okay. I know. I think changes have already occured . . . thanks for the pep talk.

Basil

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agree with basil....

String, you need to poop or get off the pot.

I agree with clay- Man up- I've said it before. You want it to be 100/100 but you're saying "make a decision". YOU make a decision- "I'm here no matter what I love you and I don't want you to leave so I'm going ot do all I can to make this happen. I am goign to honor you and love you until you come back to me and make a decision." Guarding your heart and not wanting to put your all into something just shows her that your love for her is conditional. Will you love her even if she chooses this other guy? Will you honor your commitment to her even if she strays? Hmmm? man up and take charge. Commit to being here for the long haul. Love her no matter what. I love my wife and I understand that I wasn't meeting needs of hers when she strayed. I do all I can to meet her needs. I love her completely, but there is no guarantee that she won't ever cheat again- there can't be! We are constantly focusing on our relationship and constantly making sure that we're on our toes. You need to be this way too! I'd write more but I've got to run...

He has been behaivng differently toward me. Does that mean that my heart is full and happy? That I am fulfilled and satisfied with everything right this instant? That is what it feels like he wants.. HE wants an answer NOW! what's it gonna be? NOW!!!

I cna;t answer that right now though because I am so numb and torn that I don't know.

We are each seeing our priest separately and I think taht it is a good step in the right direction...

Fr. George, our priest, who is married and therefore has personal insight into marital relations, plus has been a priest for 20+ years, hit some things on the head yesterday afternoon when I met with him.

1. Don't try to control the outcome of the current crisis. First, I tried to control things by downplaying String's feelings, which was stupid, but at the time I felt threatened by her feelings and was only able to cope by trying to persuade her to feel differently, rather than actually listening and investing enough emotional energy to address her pain. Now I am trying to control the outcome by doing everything right, so that she'll "have to" stay. Of course she still wouldn't have to stay. Instead, what we each need is to be healed of the hurt and pain that led up to this moment. I should start doing more to help her and express my love for her, not to hope to make her stay, but instead change my behaviors because I'm finally at a place where I can be emotionally engaged in our marriage.

2. Stop putting up emotional barriers. To guard my feelings I have lived in a self-made fortress that no one could come into. I was lonely there, but too scared to come out and engage emotionally with Mandy. This actually goes back to my verbally abusive dad. Love him, but didn't like anything about our relationship when I was growing up. I had to put up barriers to cope with him. Now Mandy has had to put up barriers to cope with me--it really sucks how that stuff can be passed on below the radar. This has been the core of our problems on my side. Even yesterday, when I felt like calling in quits, Father, pointed out how that was just another way for me to retreat and shut down emotionally again. BAM! I have to really watch this, because we can close ourselves down in many ways. If we accept or give romantic attention to someone outside our marriage, that is another way to shut down and create an emotional wedge.

Both of us have coped with our emotional fear and pain in different self-destructive ways. I am more confident now, that if these core emotional sicknesses can be treated, we have a good chance of having a happy, fulfilling marriage. It can't be forced, but if I "become human" by actually feeling again and expressing those feelings, I'm sure that would have an very positive impact on us.

Thanks for all the prayers.

Basil

Oh, another valuable thing our pastor said was that regardless of how we enter the married state, it is still holy and needs to be preserved with all the effort we can muster. Marriage is one of the ways God works to heal us of our distorted image due to the continued corruption of death that continues to war against us. Not all marriages clearly fulfill this purpose, but many do, in spite of the trials and tribulation of the relationship. In fact, sometimes it takes those trials to bring us to a place of healing inside our heart. God is the surgeon, not us. Even if we would rather bury our pain, He takes us in His loving hands and works to purge the parts that are broken so that we can be whole. Sometimes you've got to break a few eggs . . .

To be at this point, where our root emotional sicknesses are finally being address, it's clear that God has been at work. We've been so messed up, that it has taken years to get here, but better late than never. It can be long slow process, but God being faithful in His love for us, and seeing the big picture, has perfect timing--whether we perceive that our not.

Basil

I feel good today. This counselling stuff can be really good. Why did I wait so long???? :wall:

Basil

Good.....

I'm not gonna say "I told you so" because that would just be snotty, but if I were soing to say something that is probably wta I would say, but since I'm not saying anything, Ill just say "good" :D

For the record "not saying i told you so" is the same as saying "i told you so"... my wife pulls this one on me all the time... ;)

No its not--You men just feel guilt and like to think it is B)

I'm glad they say it takes a bigger man to admit he's wrong, because I have had to admit it far too much lately.

I hate the "I told you so," but it's better to just say it out loud than for her give me the I told you so look. I hate that. Does your wife give that smirk to you?

Basil

Us women teach "the look" to our daughters from an early age.... B) ...ALL women know & use it well....

I have an "I told you so " look?

It's a slight shaking of the head with a small smirk--or it can also be a small frown, depending on how disgusted about the issue that you told me so about.

It's becoming an endearing look.

X

Basil

:rollseyes:

My wife has the look- it's sort of a blank stare with a cute little smile. She won't say a word but she will just sit there looking at me patiently for me to say, "yes honey, you were right." Even if I say that, she still sits there waiting for the next part, "...and I was wrong."

My wife, mother and siters all have the look....

My sisters use it to get me to blow up at family funtions... kinda like lets screw witht eh baby brother and make him ruin the function.....

I get even I hide their tequilla......

Wife tries to hide it so as not to start a fight... but I see it....