I've only browsed quickly over the situation that's taking place in your relationship.

While I don't necessarily believe that irreparable damage has been done, it's clear that there are cries for help coming from both sides.

Sometimes with all of the bickering and the volumes of Bible verses and applications that get thrown around, we forget how to keep it simple. It becomes difficult to find the forest among the trees. One thing that I'm not sure has been established is whether either of you have developed a plausible action plan on how both of you are going to address each others' needs.

From what I've read, String got in touch with an ex... not necessarily because she was feeling adulterous or in search of an affair, but because she wanted some form of communication that was different than the same old. So we know at least one thing that String is looking for. But what else is there? (BTW String, were you able to find what you were in search of internally by contacting him? Not a judgemental question, just wondering if there were any answers found for you).

Anyway, let's try to simplify things a bit.

PART 1:

Basil and String... what do you guys want for yourselves and from each other? If it's not too personal, list it out here, or sit down with each other at home and write out a list in a notebook. It should look like this:

Basil's paper:
Things I want for myself:
- Strong Career
- Family Worship Time
- Good health
- Nice clothes/appearance
- etc

Things I want from my wife:
- Physical Intimacy
- Warm food
- Supportive/Encouraging comments
- etc

String's paper:
Things I want for myself:
- Good self esteem/image
- Relaxation Time
- Friends to talk to or hang out with
- My own income
- etc.

Things I want from my husband:
- Help around the house
- Fewer expectations in the morning
- More appreciation
- Meaningful communication
- etc.


PART 2:

Take a look at your partner's list. Look at what they've written down and take a few moments to understand them. If needed, ask them to elaborate what something means in case you don't fully understand it.

Now it's time for another list.

Basil - Look at the things that String has listed, and make a list for each item identifying what you can do to make that desire possible. Be realistic. If String says that she wants to have sex 6 times a week and you feel like that goes beyond what you're able to provide, write down what you think is the best that you can do to meet her desires and consider it a bargaining point.

String - Do the same thing with Basil's list. What does he want for himself? What does he want from you? What can YOU do to meet his desires? What things do you find impossible or unreasonable?

It's time for you guys to meet eye-to-eye and become each other's #1 resource for EVERYTHING.

Give it a shot... and God bless. :wave:

That's probably a good idea...At this point in time I am worn too thin to want to do it I've been giving and giving and giving of myself for nearly 7 years and there is just nothing left to give...Do you understand? I mean you give and give and give and do and do and do and only get criticized, hurt, controlled and practically smothered for only so long before you just can't take it anymore. Sure he is changing and trying to be considerate and not do those things anymore, but I am all used up and worn out.

Redguard, thanks for the idea. Finally, something concrete we can do, because the sea of emotions is exhausting to keep treading. I think it's a good idea. How about you String-a-ling?

Basil

He said, she said. We were typing at the same time. :dunno:

It's hard. She had the will to work on it up until this latest thing happened. Now she's lost all will do fix it. That hurts most of all. I think her feelings for the person who contacted her have clouded her judgement of our marriage, but I can't argue with her disatisfaction . . . it's real and fair.

Sometimes, all people are looking for a concrete activities that they can grab hold of and just move forward with.

Yes, in an ideal world, we'd all receive little snippets from a popular sermon, or some guidance from Paul... but it's not always easy.

I'm the kind of person who needs to have something to work with... something tangible. That's probably why I don't find a lot of value in most self-help books that tell me that I should think this way or think that way.

Actions speak loudest.

It sounds like you are putting a lot of the blame for where you are now - on her. I don't think that is the case. :dunno:

you hit it right on the head basil.

i had an affair (i know, i'm evil...but still forgiven!!) and the whole time i was seeing this guy i saw nothing at all in it's clarity. my best friends couldn't tell me what truth was, my husband couldn't tell me what truth was, and my parents couldn't either. i had to come out of the cloud called "fantasy" and find out for myself. if she is still speaking with him, there is NOTHING anyone can say to her right now that would get through to her. she is in her own world of denial, deceit, and fantasy. she will have to learn on her own. trust me, i was there.

PS--- my point is this....(cuz i don't think i actually said it!lol)

can't spend time worrying about fixing HER....

only yourself.

dig DEEP within YOU. what are YOU doing to contribute to this and how can YOU fix that??

That is what our priest said. He told us that we each have some issues in ourselves that we need to take care of and that until we have taken care of ourselves there is no way we can even start fixing our relationship problems...So we are each going to start meeting with him sepoarately to work on ourselves and dig in and weed out the crap

On the topic of lists.... it seems that String, you are dealing with some self worth issues.... I can totally identify with that. At the same time you are looking at this man and wondering why you are with him.

A simple daily activity.... You only have to write down two things on day one

1) I like this about myself

2) I like this about my husband.


These can be very superficial or as deep as you want to be. It is just an excercise in focus! As you move on to the next day you write two things for each and so on.


Try it for a week and see how you feel.

ok