So now my husband finally takes me seriously when I tell him that I am miserable. Its not like this is a new thing for me to say or express. BUT what am I supposed to do after all these changes take place? The "right" answer is to sit still and be happy because he loves me and he changes his behavior. But what if I am still not happy then? Huh? Am I just supposed to sit and play the role of a loving little wife even if I do not feel it? Am I just supposed to pretend that I'm happy because that is what he wants and that is the "right thing to do?"?? Hell, I've been married 6+ years and I am still not in love with my husband. What am I supposed to do?? How am I supposed to force myself to fall in love after all thsio time when it never happened in the first place. especially after going through this BS for 6years?!?!?!?!?!?!??! i am very frustrated and confused and I want to scream.......

IF you think it would help feel free to move this to a co-ed board..

Thread moved from Ladies per OP request... B)

I don't know String...it's hard when you're so angry. I mean, honestly, I doubt you're going to work it out with the attitude you have. You don't seem to want to. Is that just the tone I'm getting from forum posts, or is that how you feel?

All I can tell you is what I've learned in my marriage. Three years ago or so, I was very close to leaving my husband. I never told anyone at the time or asked for any advice. In the past, I have found that I had relied far too much on other people's opinions and views with the little problems. Instead of taking my problems to the Lord first and then my husband, I would call a girlfriend and just dump. Nothing productive. Just bitching and tearing him down. Suddenly, everyone's opinion of him changed. No one knew the whole story, just the bits and pieces I'd shared with them. Finally, the last place I would go would be to the Lord.

What I have learned as I've matured in my walk was that the first place I needed to go when I was struggling, was to the cross. These days, I'll only share about something once it's done. And even then, I don't share that often or that much. That's because no one knows me or my marriage like the Lord and my husband.

If it mattered, I would tell you to be open to this opportunity to revitalize your marriage. God can fix this. You made a promise before the Lord the day you married. God is a covenant God. If you keep your promise, He will honor you.

.
.
Dude...I'm in a similar situation....


I have one word for you....





Kids.

:clap:
Well said! About the same thing I was gonna say.

String: So it's taken X-number of years to get his attention. Praise God that Basil's now paying attention! Heck, I knew my wife was saying the same thing a few years back.

Hello again, I know I have been off the map as of late but I was just on and reading up on String and Basil.... my heart breaks for both of you! A little over three years ago my husband and I were in a very similar situation... except that I did not listen to his concerns and ended up in an affair. I am NOT saying that this is where you will end up, but Satan is gunning for marriages, especially Christian ones, and once he finds a way to put distance between you he won't stop.

One of the things we learned from our situation was that the affair was a symptom of our sick marriage. It has taken us a tremendous amount of work and dedication to get to where we are (we still have a long way to go). Much of it has not been "happy" but that is not what God put us on earth for... happiness is not something that we ever really attain. One minute we are happy and the next we are not. Feelings, while they are not wrong, are not to be an indicator of our actions. To say that you don't know if you should stay or continue to try and work on your marriage because you are not happy makes me concerned. Leaving one situation because you are unhappy does not make you happy. Ending a marriage (or stepping outside of it to get needs met) brings nothing but sorrow. Nothing about it is good. To say that you are not in love with you husband also concerns me. What do you mean?? String, I feel for you, I am sure my thoughts echoed your own... I still struggle with how to maintain my own joy in my marriage but I have realized that it is not up to my husband to do this for me. It is between myself and my heavenly Father. One of the ways I have found to keep me focused (sometimes I just need a goal to work on) is reading the "Every Woman" series. I am currently reading "Every Woman's Marriage." The book I started with was "Every Womans Challenge" and it touched on a lot of the issues you are dealing with now.

It seems like you may have some time on your hands to be able to read, so get to the library, chica! I don't mean to come off as preachy, it is just since the almost demise of my marriage I have developed a heart for other peoples!

You are both definately in my prayers!

What do you mean? You guys are having problems too?!

.
.
Have been through quite a bit the last 10 of our 16...

I think we are still dealing with past hurts and respecting each other more than we do...

Clay's servent heart thing sounds good...but then again...I don't want to....hehe.

As many of you know I am Funnygirl's husband and I can say that it is amazing what God can do when you let Him. We have our difficult times but for the most part we are still really great together. Marriage is all about the other person. If your marriage is failing chances are your relationship with your heavenly Father is also failing. When the going gets tough then focus on your legacy, on your children, on honoring God with your marriage... stick it out. We've been blessed because we did and God knows that if we had gotten divorced it only would have been worse. Stop this before it gets worse guys. Drop contact with previous boyfriends... it's seriously playing with fire and extremely unrealistic in your expectations. Your husband can't compete with a guy who you don't have to pick up his underwear or scrub his soap scum off of the tub... this guy is no better than your hubby- you are in love (if you are) with the idea... We're praying for you guys!

I really appreciate all the responses, not because they support what I feel, but because I see some real wisdom, brought by experience, in them. I am moved by the awareness that many of you have gone through similar things (or even worse)--maybe our marriage isn't so abnormal after all. We should all get together and compile these conversations and write some other observations and contact a Christian publisher to make it a book--seriously. I think it would sell, and we could all get a piece of the action.

I think it's true that we cannot expect to be made happy by someone outside ourselves. It's not fair to put someone on stage and expect them to make us happy, and leave the room when they stop pleasing us. Even the hottest romances, eventually become mundane, unless real work is done to keep things steaming. That means working, even when we don't emotionally feel like it. Emotions are tricky, which is another reason we can't be ruled by every feeling that enters us, we must come back to our heart, which is filled with the love of God, to help keep us on track, making the right, and sometimes difficult, or not immediately satisfying, decisions. Sometimes the most satisfying thing to do would be to cut and run, but it would only lead to greater sorrow.

Basil

Sounds good to me. Anything legal, moral and ethical that brings in dough sounds good to me...

The only problem with that philosophy is that sometimes it damages the kids more when two parents who don't love each other, and fight constantly stay together.

Hadn't thought of that....

Excuse me while I contact a lawyer...


Gee, thanks Raspman.

That has been a major concern of mine in this whole thing. I didn't want my kids growing up seeingmy marriage the way it is and think that is acceptable and imitate it..

If you weren't in love then why did you get married?

This isn't the middle ages where your parents go "Oh by the way you marry the Butcher's son next week... we got a sweet deal on meat...."

Marriage is a conscious choice, and one that should only be entered because we love our mate, and becasue we are in love with our mate. Any other reason for marriage is assanine. Becasue unless we are in love with and truly love our mate, our minds and eyes will wander.

Now you've dealt with a bunch of crap for 6+ years. A couple weeks isn't going to make that go away. You've got to work hard at fixing things too. Mariage is a partner ship. Jsut because one or the other screws up doesn't mean that it's up to them to fix it. You both have to work at it.

I don't know the full situation, only you two do. But if you're not happy with the changes that have been made tell him, you both have to figure out how to make your marriage work.

The biggest decision you both have to make is this "Is it too late?" Is it better to part amicably for the childrens sake then stay together and 'fake' it for their sake? Do you both feel like trying, and if the answer is one does but the other doesn't, maybe you need a trial seperation. Maybe God had a different plan for you adn you misread it to mean that you should have taken the path you did?

This is something that takes a lot of soul searching.

Misty and I have had some bad problems recently.

Granted we only have a bit less than 2 years in our mariage, and 3 in our total relationship, but that doesn't mean that we both don't have to work on things. Her Jealousy, my temper, these aren't things that we take away and work on then come back the next day and show the other what we've done, these are projects that we both have to work on. I have to help her with her jealousy and she has to help me with my anger.

Getting off my soap box now....

It seems the general belief here is that marriage is about you still... it's not! It's about glorifying God and it's about lifting up your spouse. Anything else is purely selfish. You think your kids will be more damaged by parents that argue then by parents that split up?! That's lunacy! Do you think you know better than God? He says stick it out- that settles it for me!

We'll have to trust in God to repair the damage, and direct them to look to Him as a perfect example of a love. I've always been willing to let them know that we aren't perfect, rather than creating a facade that we have no faults. I think parents should be humble enough to not mislead children to hold them on too high a pedestal, as some kids do. If this is done, when the kids see through the illusion it sometimes shakes their faith. I'd rather let them see my struggle with sin, and learn how I've struggled to deal with it, so perhaps, they will take up the struggle for their own salvation themselves when they come to an awareness of their sin.

I think it would also be damaging to see parents throw in the towel, without struggling as much as possible to save things first. They might be more tempted to do the same when the going gets tough in their own marriage someday. It's so hard to balance all of these concerns.

Basil

agree

Like in that thread Clay posted (**andiesmama wanders around looking for the link**)...

Love is a CHOICE....if sometimes you don't feel like you love your spouse, tell yourself "Ok, I might not FEEL very loving today, but I CHOOSE to love him/her today!"

That school of thought has really been helping me through some bumpy patches here the last few days....

That's right. I can't say it any better than that. :clap:

I stayed with him because I had low self esteem. When things went bad(about a month into the relationship) I lost all affection, but my low self esteem and fear of lonliness told me that this is better than being alone. Then I got pregnant. That pretty much sealed it..

.
OMG ! ! ? ? ?

Geesh string....the only thing worse to say to a guy would laugh at his penis size!


I don't get it...


Are you looking for a dream prince....(sorry I'm already taken).


The grass is NEVER greener on the other side.


What do you want out of the base-man?

I am just being honest. THose were my thughts at the time and I hurt for making those choices. Should I lie and say that I was enamored and blah blah blah or should I be truthful????

Don't think that it doesn't hurt for me to have had to tell him that....

Sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons, which are tied to insecurities they may have and deep pain that they are feeling. Mandy and I had some short-lived attraction when we first met, and a small trickle of affection over the years (it hasn't all been 100% crap, although it the midst of serious frustrations it may have seemed like it) but I believe God can turn our hearts toward each other--the love we share with one another is really a sharing of the love that comes down from above. He can warm our feelings. This situation has torn down all that was wrong with our marriage and now I think we have a chance to rebuild it. It's up to us to both work at it. I'm in. I would do anything to rebuild this the right way. I've been on edge, worried about losing her from the beginning, when challenges first popped up. I think I've done some things to sabotage our relationship, because of some insecurities I've never confronted. I wasn't very conscious of it as time was going by, but I've done quite a bit of soul-searching now.

Basil

.
.
All I know is that you guys make me feel better about my marriage.

Thanks

Well I'm glad these lase=t 6 years haven't been a total waste--Glad we could help

Hey--anybody seen or heard from Red lately?? I bet he could understand some of this..

.
.
I don't know you hippies well enough to say a whole lot, but c'mon...


Pull this thing together, get some counseling (why not try a regular non-church, but still a Christian type). Mortgage the house if you have to.

Can you afford to take some time alone together? A small love weekend or something, just the two of you?

We are meeting separately withour priest for individual counselling...on less than 30,000 per year for a family of five we can't afford to go away or anything...Times are tight and tough...

Everything is on the table now, so it's okay. I don't want to live in a lie, or love a mask. I know the damage I've done . . . and I'm willing to work my a$$ off to work on myself to begin healing this pain we're both feeling. The only rational reaction String should have to the way I've treated her is not loving me any longer. Her current feelings reveal a healing from the insecure girl I married to a stronger woman. I hurt, but admire her growth as well. I believe God is working within her heart. I pray she'll be patient enough with me to see this through.

Basil

The only reason people try to save a marriage is that they love the other. You may not realize it at the time or you may not want to face it at the time. So you put another face on the reason. Oh it's for the kids. BS. The only reason to save a marriage is for the love you feel for another.

Look at your spouse. Imagine a life without them. Imagine if you have to some hottie from hollywood in their place. Would you feel an emptiness? That empty feeling is love and being seperated from it's source.

Until I started dating my wife I had no problem looking at other women, in fact I held the same secret fantasy that most guys did that their favorite hottie (Mine was Alyssa Milano) would come up and say you here now. And should that have happened I would have been on her like a fat kid on a cupcake. But I met Misty started dating her and fell in love. Today should that old fantasy play out, I'd have to say, "Sorry I got better at home and you're not worth what I have to lose, I love my wife, you do not stack up to her inthe least, have a nice day."

I'm not saying throw in the towel. Nothing that is worthwile is ever easy. NOTHING. That's why we all have to work at marriage and relationships.
But the one thing you guys have to look at is "Is this relationship worth saving" then you can see why it's worth saving, then it shows you how you can get back on track.

You love String. You love your kids. And String somewhere you have to love Basil too or you would have bolted a long time ago kids or no kids. You might have to dig deep to find it.

But what both of you need to do is see if you can have someone watch the kids on a friday and saturday, then have a knock down drag out fight trying to SAVE not sabotage your marriage. This should take a couple hours, then you need to sit down and talk about how to save your marriage. Then you need to think about how to save the family. Then you guys should spend some time trying to be lovey dovey, and figure out where you need to be together.

Granted wehat the heck do I know.... I'm having problems in my marriage right now but this seems to put Mist and I back onthe right track.

It's not a permenant solution either... sometimes we have this every couple of weeks until we're back on track and sometimes every couple of months.....

Where do all these sopaboxes come from and how come I keep steppin up on them?

.
.
Rasp....

Not to be a jerk here (at least not too much)...

Do you and Misty have spawn of your own?

I can see your POV in your situation, but shoot...not being able to see MY KIDS everynight puts the fear of God into me.

That is an easy thing to say when you are on the outside. Raspy, I have had a hard time in this marrige. There has been emotional neglect, physical neglect, criticism to no end, even a bit a physical abuse. Just because I stuck it o0ut for my children doesn't mean taht it was because I am in love. Sure on some level I do love him, just not the way a wife should love her husband. We've shared the same space for 6 years and so the natural affection that you feel for someone you are around on adaily basis for years is what I feel.

I worry that I will not be able to force the kind of marital love to grow or even to start existing after what i've been through. I mean in six years it hasn't happened, so what makes anyone think that it can all of a sudden happen now??

But I guess that it is expected of me. I am expected to say"Oh, you've changed!" I am so in love now! I want to be here now!" now how I feel inside really doesn't matter does it? I feel like I am supposed to put ont the mask and live behind it forever...

Yeah, it's put fear in me.

Rasp,
It's not that unusual for love to wax cold, even in marriages that start out much better than ours did. Would your advice for all of them be, if you don't feel in love with your spouse anymore leave? That's kinda what it sounds like. Sometimes you may be so unhappy with each other that the will to stay and work on it is very weak. That's when trust in God, acknowledgement of one's covenant with each other, must drive them to choose to work at loving one another--I think it can take work to love someone. That doesn't make the love any less genuine, just more grown up and real--love that is a choice and committment through thick and thin.

Psychologist's seem to agree that the romantic exhiliarating love we all feel when we enter a new relationship wears off in about one years time. I was watching one report that said something chemically actually changes in our bodies that can be measured. So what do you do then? Look for the next exciting new thing? Maybe this perspective is why most marriage end in divorce.

Basil

My thign is what am i supposed to do when those new exciting feelings were snuffed out like a burnt cigarette after the first month??????? There was no year's time for me. He did me wrong and I was foolish and lonely so I put up with ill treatment. What then? What should I do? I cannot make the feelings happen or grow.????Damn it what am I to do?!?!?!?

I really feel so freakin alone in this and I don't feel like anyone can help.... :faint:

what made you guys fall in love with each other in the VERY beginning...what was it that made your heart flip, gave you butterflies in your stomach...what??

maybe try to remember back about those first things that made each of you fall in love with each other...NOT just the physical stuff, either...list 'em if you have to...maybe that'll be a starting point...

.
.
FEELINGS ? ? ? ?

Shouldn't base ANYTHING on feelings...(oh wait, forgot...weaker vessel)



Seriously, can you really trust feelings?