OK, something happened a couple of months ago that I haven't shared with anyone. I'm struggling with some stuff right now, and I need a fresh look at this situation and a little help. So I'm turning to you guys.

Over the summer I found out my huband was using heroin again. It's been 12 years since he used and I sincerely thought this part of our lives was over. I knew something was up, but he kept denying it. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore, and fessed up. Within a day he was in a treatment program and got himself clean. Part of his treatment was using a medication called Suboxone to help with the withdrawls. It's some nasty stuff with really awful side affects. Well, he lied about how long he was using that stuff too. So when he finally started to step down off of it, he had horrible withdrawls. There's more to that, but it doesn't really matter. Let's just say, this has really, seriously sucked.

Obviously at this point, I'm having some trouble trusting him. I mean, I'm checking his call records on his cell phone when he's sleeping. I'm constantly looking at his eyes to see if he looks high. Asking him how much money he has and how much he's spent today. I'm always asking who he's talking to when he's on the phone. Where he's going when he walks out the door. How long will he be gone...you get the idea.

I don't trust him. And with good reason. I haven't had this trust issue with him in more than 13 years. And that's when I booted him out. So this is really hard for me and by extention I guess it's hard on him too.

I think he needs to build this trust back up again. And he agrees. But I feel like I'm going insane. He's always been a family guy. He's never been one of those guys who hang out with their friends. He's a home body. Suddenly I fee like he's wandering around more and had this been a year ago, I wouldn't have cared.

Like yesterday, he was supposed to go on an estimate with his friend for my friend's boiler replacement. Then go to an AA meeting. Well, he turns up at 12:30 p.m. (the meeting was at noon so he never made it) and I find out he's been wandering around for 2.5 hours trying to find his friend to take him to the meeting with him. This friend is the one he was using with. This guy is finally clean but he's messed up. (That's neither here nor there, but suffice to say, I don't want any of his junk overflowing into our lives.) The estimate had to be pushed back, but I didn't know that. Now normally, he would have called me and said "hey, I'm not doing the estimate till this afternoon so I think I'll grab Stevie and bring him to the meeting with me." Which would be fine. But he didn't. Now, he said he didn't really think about it. But that's my problem. Why? Why didn't he think about it?

It seems to me he's doing lots of little, weird things that are out of character for him. He's hanging around with guys with very little sobriety, which is like me hanging around with Wiccans. He's placing the needs of others before his sobriety which means he's placing their needs above the needs of his family as well.

So I've been pointing all of this out to him, in as loving a manner as I possibly can. But like this morning, instead of calling in for his unemployment, he's taking his friend to the bus stop so he can get to the city for his methadone treatment. Does that seem weird? But he got really pissed when I pointed it out.

I guess I'm wondering when I need to stop pointing all this stuff out to him. How the heck do you rebuild trust? I need to stop asking so many questions and checkign the phone, etc. and just let it go. I told him this morning that I just wanted to regain some normalcy in our lives. I just want to know that the rug isn't being pulled out from under me. But I'm struggling...

Thanks for reading.

Wow. Tough. Kerense and I had issues like this when we were first married, but it wasn't about drugs. I've been a real jerk.

How did she learn to trust me? When she wanted to divorce me, she said a voice spoke to her heart asking, "How many times do I have to forgive you?" I've never been more grateful to hear those words.

Funny thing is, I'm the only person in her adult life that's made her cry. She didn't cry at her dad's funeral. She didn't cry when her dog (13 years old) died. She didn't cry when she had a Master's degree and the only job she could get was $5 per hour and 20 hours per week.

I made her cry by being a jerk. I'm wracking my brains trying to remember what the heck it was that I was doing. It wasn't drugs, it wasn't booze, it might've been porn. But at any rate, I was trying to live a secret life. And when she was crying, I told her "I didn't know it affected you that way." She reminded me of that conversation this week, but the shoe was on the other foot. She's been working 60+ hours every week, with some of those hours dialing in from home. But that's another story.

Anyway, the only way we rebuilt the trust was with constant :quote: nagging :quote:. Without it, I doubt my life would have changed. In retrospect, she wasn't nagging, just being an accountability partner. I had nobody to hold me accountable for my actions, and my wife assumed that role on her own.

So, here's my suggestion: Ask DH if he's serious about quitting drugs. If he is, then tell him he needs an accountability partner. Offer to be that partner for him. After all, you're partnered in everything else in life, should be this as well.

He needs to get away from the influences of those who drag him down. That's what had to happen to me for my addictions.

Finally, we'll all add you and him to our prayer list. And, I mean that sincerely. Prayer is the strongest weapon we have in our fight against Satan. Because we realize this, the enemy strives to destroy our prayer lives. Don't let him do it!

Thanks Clay. I appreciate your honesty.

Divorce has never been an option for me. At this point, he's not using. He's been clean since August. And he's going to meetings. It's all the stupid, little things he's doing that are driving me nuts. He's not helping me to trust him again! When I point this stuff out to him, he gets annoyed, but then he says he understands and that he'll try not to do it. Then the next day, he does it again! So I point it out again. I don't think it's nagging really. I don't think that's the right word. And I think I get worried that he's perceiving this as criticism and that he's going to reach a point where I push him away.

And I try to do all of this in love. But when it's daily, it's got to be annoying to listen to! Like this morning. I said "I love you. There was a time when our life was finally normal and I knew what to expect from you every day. And that was nice. Then all of the sudden, when I think I know what's going on, you're using. And you pull the rug right out from under me. I want normal back. I want to know what to expect every single day. I don't like this."

And he agreed. Then he left the house, without calling in for his unemployment check, and took his friend to the bus (not a short trip, he should be gone at least one hour). Again, placing the needs of this guy above our needs. That's wrong.

That's where the word "Accountability Partner" comes in. B) Change the word from "nagging" to "accountability partner".

When I was quitting porn, I had an accountability partner who would call me at random times during the day - and I did the same for him. And, the battle's never completely over. We still call each other on very rare occasions and confess that we fell again. But having someone there who 1) would not criticize me and 2) would hold me to honesty - was very important for healing.

Let DH know that he needs an accountability partner. If you want, make sure it's someone you trust. Get someone from church, or from his AA/NA group. But he needs one. Then, trust that person to keep him in line. You can stop asking the questions, because that other person will be asking the questions for you. And - this is extremely important - don't follow up unless there's a reason to believe this isn't working.

If you feel this strongly about asking the questions, then get someone else to do it. Someone about whom you both mutually agree to serve in this position. It'll work.

Well, he has a sponsor and a wife. How much more accountable can he be? If he's not doing what he's supposed to be doing, then neither really matter.

I don't perceive it as nagging....and probably your DH doesn't either...by him getting annoyed IMO it shows that HE knows he's not really doing the right thing. Maybe eventually it'll sink in...

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this sister....you guys are in my prayers, God will persevere, and you know that, right? :hug:

.
.
sorry Lynn...my heart goes out to you. Clay sounds like he's all-over this.

I kinda see what you mean.

Being accountable to your spouse, though, (whether husband or wife) can make one feel like they're lower than dirt in the house. That's how I felt. So, perhaps you being his accountability partner isn't going to do the job.

And his AA/NA sponsor - how reliable a sponsor is it? Is this person keeping in contact with Tommy? Will they step in if they see a problem? Will they contact him if he misses a meeting? If they won't keep their nose in his business, then he needs to find a new sponsor.

I know, having me to account to is not helpful Clay. I agree. I appreciate what you said about how he could feel like crap being accountable to me like this. Tommy and I have talked about this before, and I know it makes him feel bad. I guess that's kind of why I was trying to figure out when enough was enough. I don't want to rag at him all the time about this stuff. But he keeps pulling the same crap over and over again. It's all stupid crap, but it's crap none the less.

His sponsor is great. He's this really, huge, really tough guy who doesn't pull any punches. Tommy's talking to him every day and going to meetings every night. And he agreed, yet again, to cut off ties to his buddy. But, since he's on his way out to pick him up at the bus stop, I don't see that happening any time soon. :wall:

I just left the house by myself for a couple of hours. I had a long talk with God. We have more we need to discuss, but I basically gave this to Him...again. I can't control it. I can't change it. All I can do is what God wants me to do.

Thanks Clay.

And thanks Debby and Squat. Prayers are greatly appreciated!