Story

What do you think?

I thought I was always a God-centered spouse until about a year and a half ago. I know I've shared this before on the MM forum on CF, so bear with me if you've heard it.

Some of you know, my DH is a recovering addict/alcoholic. He was sober for the first 18 months of our marriage then he started binging, which lasted for the next 7 years.

So things got really bad about a year and a half ago. Really bad. I just wanted him dead. I couldn't stand to look at him. I ranted, I raved, I left, I came back...I finally presented him with a separation agreement, he looked at me and walked to the liquor store. I was so frustrated. But all the while, I didn't feel like I was supposed to leave.

For years I had prayed for God to change him. But finally, I prayed to God to change me. I told God that if He wanted me to stay, then he needed to change me so I could handle it. If this was my lot in life, then I needed to be able to cope better or I would go insane.

Very quietly, but very sternly, God told me to just do my job. It was that simple.

For years I just fell apart when he picked up. My mood depended on his mood. If he was nice, I was nice. The world told me I deserved better. I was too young to be doomed like this. OH how I let the enemy work on me.

But what God wanted me to do was so new for me. Just do my job. What was my job? Child of God, wife, mother. That's it. Take the focus off of my DH and put it on my walk - become God-centered. And in doing so, I would get out of God's way and allow him to work in my DHs life. It was so simple I couldn't believe I'd missed it all those years.

SO, I did my job. When I wanted to poison him, I fed him. When I wanted to punch him in the head, I kissed him. When I wanted to throw his clothes out onto the lawn, I washed them. And it was miraculous, really. It was overnight. Suddenly God's grace took my anger and pain away. In just a few days my DH saw the difference in me and made changes in his own life. (To God be the glory, not by my actions but His will.)

At the end of the day what matters is God. Did I serve Him well today? My ministry is not just the ministry I formally serve in my church, but in how I love my husband and my children; how I represent Him. How well I do my job. While I'm not perfect, I know now that I seek to be not only a God-centered spouse, but a God-centered servant.

I think that's something I need to keep in mind.....I know I used to be more of a "spouse-centered spouse"...that was before I started to grow stronger in my walk with Christ. Now, I like to THINK I'm more of a "God-centered spouse"....when my DH occasionally acts less than loveable, now I find myself more apt to treat him more kindly because I know it's not necessarily towards me, more likely a reaction to his day at work or something like that.

Altho that's not to say it's an easy thing to do! :rollseyes:

better yet....what Lynn said!!

Great food for thought sister! Thanks for sharing your story....

Great post Lynn!

Wow, Lynn! That's great!

Me, I'm not gonna answer this. But, as in court, pleading the fifth implies guilt... :blink:

Misty and I REALLY need to work on this....

I have been working on this. In fact, it is the reason I told my husband that we needed to go to counseling; I realized that excusing his sin was not right, and in fact made me a partner in it (if that makes sense). As a Christian I could not just stand by while he got worse and worse, even though it might have been easier in some ways.

Mandy, do you have that book by Stormy O'Martin (sp?!), "The Power of a Praying Wife"? It's EXCELLENT for helping in this area. It's all about placing God first and really giving up control to Him. She's very honest about problems in her 25 year marriage and she goes on to explain how powerful the prayers of a wife are for a husband. She gives you different prayers and scripturual support, for several different situations most of us face over time in our marriages. :thumbsup:

I've heard of it, but I've never read it.
Does she have prayers and scriptural support for extreme situations? Because this is a very extreme situation.
I'll go look and see if it's available as an ebook...

Wow - that is amazing Lynn! Thank you for sharing that! :thanks:

You're welcome. Thanks for reading my ramblings...

You know, it's amazing how we can go through a bunch of junk in our lives and think, why me? But to get to the other side, with God's help, and then be able to use it to help someone else? That's awesome.

Lynn, that is a truly awesome testimony!!!


I think I am a Self Centered Spouse for the Most Part =) hehehehe...


But the times that I feel down about our marriage, and I call on God to fix this mess I made. The times when I'm mad at Heather, becuase I feel she has wronged me or mistreated me or has been unfair. All those times when I'm mad and I take a chance to ask the Lord

"WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO WITH THIS?"

I always get the same freaking answer the same answer That I hate to hear, but I know it's come.

"LOVE HER"

And to Love my Wife is to Serve her, that is her Love language and how she feels loved. There have been COUNTLESS times when I have served her with such a bitter heart and a mind full of fury and rage. Just a few weeks ago I was scrubbing the Tub at 11pm at night... Why? Cuase Heather and I had a fight, I was upset, but acts of service is her love language... I Took out so much anger on that tub... And it is clean as all get out!!! But I hated doing it, I hated everything about it.


Countless nights I have rubbed her back hating doing that. Countless flowers have been purchased becuase I was mad at Her... The Dishes have been washed every night for MONTHS..


And maybe the Lord has kept some blessing from me becuase of my bitter heart. But the Lord has really Blessed my Marriage becuase of my faith through action. Unlike Lynn, change hasn't come over night, sometimes weeks at the longest. But God has answered everyone of my prayers about my marriage. God has been extremely Faithful... Faithful is not the word... Gracious.. God has answered all my prayer to this day ...


So I don't enjoy doing those things when I'm mad at her.... But I will keep doing them, cuase I know God will Honor those actions.




Don't take this post the wrong way and Think my Wife is a horrible person and does a lot of bad things... most of the times God answers my prayers, by showing me I'm an Idiot and What ever I was thinking was Wrong... hehehe ...

My wifey is really great, she deserves a lot better than me.

I really, really, really, really, really, really need to work on this. Seriously. I feel like an awful wife. God has blessed me with a much too patient husband. I so do not feel worthy to have him at all....

THAT'S awesome Patrick. You are laying the groundwork for a great marriage. Keep scrubbing man, keep scrubbing!


LENA! Do not be so hard on yourself. You've shown you're an awesome wife because you want to be better.

Jacks and I are in the same boat - my wife has a love language of "service", and I have a love language of......sex! :)

A month or so ago when jacks first started talking about "The 5 Love Languages" - I really started thinking more about when I read the book (it was awhile ago), and started trying to put some of the stuff I learned from it into practice. But, more importantly, I really started to pray more during those rough times. Like jacks said - when I'm sooo ticked at her & just can't even see straight - It's soooo hard to want to serve her. I have to look toward heaven and say, "What the crap am I suppose to do? She's wrong!! WRONG!!" 9 times out of 10 God will just say, "Dude... Let's go to a replay on this one....I think you will see that you clearly didn't land inbounds on this one." (God is a football fan..I know he is!)

Even in those times when I feel she has totally wronged me - I will pray, and pray, and pray.......almost instantly God will clam my blood pressure which allows me to see rationally. Instead of blowing up at her because I feel she has wronged me - I have to simply tell her I love her - and go do the dishes.

Nobody ever told me that marriage would be this hard. I mean, it is truely WORK to have a healthy marraige. Just like it's work to have a healthy body. I wish when we had the pre-marital counseling - it would've been explained a bit more - but I'm not sure we would've listened.

God has blessed me w/ a wonderful wife that I learn new things about everyday. He has blessed us with the ability to put up w/ each other! He has blessed us w/ the ability to "even" each other out. She is strong in the areas I am weak - and I am strong in the areas she is weak. It's a beautiful thing! But it's so freakin' hard at times.

I try to be a God-centered spouse. But I fear I fail much more than I succeed. I thank God everyday for his forgiveness - because without it......I’m screwed!