THANKS
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th Time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending Me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every
Wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a
wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.
I can no longer buy gasoline without taking a man along to
watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when
I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on
their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face ...
disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones or sit in
movie theater seats because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I
receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I
now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant Death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given
us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix
everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by
a Sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either: I can no longer drive my
car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your
head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this
will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician...
I just forwarded that to everyone on my mailing list - except the FHL folks...
Thanks! :whip: