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Sheesh....I'm having MAJOR in-law problems...

They have forced me OUTTA the house and I have been sleeping in my office at the University. We just moved into our beautiful, brand new 1/2 mil $ house Friday and I'm already at wit's end.

They are the VERY generous people, but (IMHO) very inconsiderate....although they probably don't mean to be...

They live in Phx, about 150 miles south, so when they visit..they stay at my place. (Sometimes they uninvitedly bring EXTREMELY spoiled neices and nephews which complicates everything TENFOLD). They pay for many things, but get persnickity when I suggest or critisize or want things MY WAY IN MY HOUSE...so my only option is just to shut-up while they're there and take may "ball-kicking" like a man. (FIL is a very BORED retired special ed. teacher who treats everyone like they are stupid.)


And the worse part about it, is that my wife doesn't support my feelings AT ALL....this means I leave, they don't.

I feel that her list of important people lies like this...

0) God...rightfully so.
1) Kids
2) Parents
3) Her Friends
4) Dogs
5) Chickens
6) Squat

Very hard to give someone respect when you don't feel like your getting the same in return...thus we fight, I leave (usually making an ass of myself in the process).

Any ideas for poor ol' squat?

(p.s. - - I didn't want A2J and String to be the only victims on this board, so I thought I would open up a bit....very unsquatesque)

well, I probably don't have any words of wisdom, but IMO when you get married, you "leave and cleave" with your spouse. BESIDES which, you are the head of household, therefore you should not be the one leaving.

Seems to me the in-laws could stay in a hotel since it causes so much strife in your marriage....can't they see that? I would think they'd want to do something to HELP rather than HURT you guys....I mean, how long do they usually stay? A night or two? Or weeks at a time?

What would wifey do if you guys sat down & talked about it after the in-laws left....for next time....maybe you just have to put your foot down & say "MY HOME IS MY CASTLE WOMAN!!!" B) ....well, maybe not in so many words exactly like that, but you get my drift.

God should be first, followed by husband & then kids....just MHO....

Squat, thanks for opening up :thumbsup:

There are several ways you can handle this. Andiesmom has a great suggestion there. Some boundaries need to be set, and even though it's painful to set those boundaries, your only alternative is to keep putting up with things as they are.

Since your wife is supporting her parents' side, rather than yours, have you considered just taking a vacation to somewhere far away while the in-laws are visiting? You know, go camping by yourself in New Orleans' Ninth Ward. Take a donkey/wagon tour of Beirut. Go tsunami-chasing in Indonesia. Perhaps try a camping trip in a wildfire-plagued California.

They all sound safer than being in your own home. So why not take some time for yourself and let your wife enjoy her parents? :blink:

I agree with the MY HOME IS MY CASTLE line. :thumbsup: Make up a huge sign and stick it in a very visible place with YOUR signature on it...

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This may be cause for a permanent vacation...

If they're not at our house, then she is on the phone to 'em....(I hate phones, esp. cell phones)

Wifey, FIL, MIL, SIL and GMIL (grandmother in law) are MAJOR phone talkers...it's funny, they'll stay for a day or two, drive two hours back home to Phx, then call and talk 30-45 minutes. Pretty extreme.




It's too bad, I really desire wifey's companionship and loyalty, but it I don't think it will come till her parents die.



And lena...although I agree with your POV, it's hard for me. I was raised to greatly respect your parents/elders and so I avoid being assertive and stating my feelings or concerns in order to "keep the peace".

:) squat....even though your balls are hurting from the beating they are getting, you are STILL THE HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD. put your feet down in a loving manner. be stirn, but with a sweet spirit. that's a VERY hard thing to do, i realize, but in Gods Kingdom, it's a must.

i can sympathize with you on the whole in-law stuff. man, i've got a pair of doozies on my side for sure!!! my husband even has a harder time w/ them and they are HIS parents!! unfortunately, for our family, the best thing to do was to cut off all visits to our home. we go THERE now.....much easier on our family that way. and they don't particularly like it that they can't come here, but it was that, or NOTHING and so they go with the flow.

hang in there.....you are NOT alone when it comes to inlaws. there wouldn't be so many in-law jokes out there if there weren't some truth to it!!! :)

Geesh. My problem isn't in-laws, it's out-laws. My folks. Man.

When we are asleep, the phone-ringer is turned off. My mother left her cell-phone at a Houston restaurant when they left (we were at church), and called from Corpus (200 miles away) to chew my @$$ 'cuz she couldn't get in touch with me. Hey, we were taking a nap. Like it's my fault you left your #(@!$*&(@ phone at IHOP? And you want to wake up the kids - who need their sleep 'cuz it's gonna be a late night - so you can tell me about your %^&(@# phone?

I have her phone. I'm gonna mail it to her. And I may not see her for a while...

Sheesh....day 3.

Wifey called today....she said her mom and dad are very hurt (said her Mom was crying). Guess I'm supposed to feel guilty. I told her any discomfort I have sleeping on my office floor is better than the discomfort of being around her dad. (if you hippies are interested, I can give you the entire lowdown on this dude.)

Wifey wanted to call a "family meeting" to discuss....said no thanks, 4 against 1 isn't a fair fight...

Miss my kids.

geez, Squat, that's just not right.....if her parents are so upset, then they DO realize the "strife" it's causing in your family (them staying at your place, I mean)....so....you'd THINK they'd offer to stay in a hotel to at least try to keep the peace.... :rollseyes:

Is it partly wifey, tho? Would she go for the idea of them in a hotel if THEY suggested it, or do you think that's SOOOOO NOT an option?

Praying for you guys....

I have no suggestions abouthow to resolve the in-law issues, but I do have a related observation. When I was a child, there were several times that my stepfather left the house and he directly said that it was because of me. I hnever cared for him, but I knew he shouldn't have left because of me. He never stayed gone, but that is not the point. When a child sees his/her father figure leave the mother figure because of fights and disagreements..it makes an impact. Your children will remember your leaving for the rest of their lives. Try not to do it. It hurts them and they cannot forget it...

Yep....String had a GREAT point....this whole in-law thing doesn't only impact you & your wife, it's impacting the kids.....

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Yup....

Wifey has the kids call and leave "I miss you" messages on voice mail. Cold blooded.




FIL is building a shed for my wife. Wifey is a HUGE PACKRAT and keeps everything....if she was just half as organized as she is sentimental, we would have VERY few marital problems. She doens't throw ANYTHING away.

We had to rent a storage space for all her crap when we moved, cause it would not fit in the garage of our new house (we kept it in the attic at the old place, but new house does not have an attic.)

Anyhoo...since her Dad is retired and bored, he offered to build a shed. (3 years ago, he and wifey built a chicken coop, only cost me $1500 bucks...YES, 1500 bones for a home for chickens...)

He thought he did such a great job, he offered to her the same for a shed. I could have spent a bit more and got one of the nice sheds installed at Home Depot, but my greed started thinking about the few hundred I might save. And I thought I was doing them both a favor.

Anyway, he had been there about 4-5 days (helping us move from the old house to the new, mostly supervising) already I was biting my tongue, as I do, through most of his visits...letting him take control of the descisions, listening to him correct my kids for trivial stuff, listening to his conspiratorial crap about Bush, 911 and the Iraqi war, dealing with his perfectionist attitude (he threw a temper tantrum because someone put his drill driver off the top of the garage freezer and onto the floor of the "dirty" garage..hehe...really pisses me off when he values all HIS STUFF over the feelings of others, which he does ALL THE TIME...what a jerk)

Then, if you remember another post of mine, right in the MIDDLE of our move, my wife's best friend and my close friend was tied-down and raped by her ex-husband (a black man) around Wed.....and my FIL, in front of the kids, made a racial comment, saying "you just can't trust "blacks"". I was so upset (and shaking mad) about the rape phone call we just got from wifey's best friend that I couldn't confront him about his assinine comment so I swallowed it (I did say "Dad, that has NOTHING to do with it" but then bolted out the door with wifey to aid our friend)...but that comment festered all night as I thought about the situation with our friend and what an unsupportive asshole FIL was being...

After that, I just didn't have the patience to tolerate ANY of his crap. My intolerance, combined with wifey's obvious loyalty to her parents, pushed me over the edge. I blew up and split. She didn't call for the first day and a half....I'm sure it was because all 3 of her parents (FIL, MIL, GMIL) were still at the new house "helping her" unpack, giving her her psychological and emotional support,etc (who needs a husband when her parents continue to enable)...however, when MIL/GMIL left for home, she started calling and trying to fix the issue....(FIL stayed behind to finsh "his" shed job...sheesh, I told wifey I would hire someone to completed it, but FIL has too much pride to allow that to happen.)

So I get this call last night, telling me how everyone is hurt (IL's are upset "because of all they do for us")...BS...basically trying to make me feel like it's my fault. She wants a family meeting to get this all out in the open, but I say "Nah, no thanks"....I'm sure the only reason she wants peace is so in-laws can have the freedom to come and go as they please and that things can continue the way they've been...

So anyway, I just bought a half-a-million dollar house last Friday, and have got to sleep in it once...woe is me....hehe.

Sounds like someone's got aprom strings made of titanium...so sorry man..

geez, Squat....maybe after the FIL finally leaves you & wifey can hash this all out once & for all.... :pray:

PS....I wanna see pics of this mansion you're living in.... :drool:

Ya know, my mom keeps trying the same crap with me. And (I'm sad to say) I've only begun to cut the strings about two years ago. Yeah, five years of marriage for me to do that.

Thing is, my mom started really making me feel like crap 'cuz I was doing stuff with my family instead of them. Finally, I realized that the problem was with her and not me.

Every time they had a computer problem, I'd drive 200 miles to fix it. Every time they needed help with anything, I'd drive 200 miles to fix it. Then, they have a party and I can't make it 'cuz we have something planned, and she tells me about all the things they've done for me, and how my brother (who only recently moved back to Texas, but is 500 miles from them) is there when they ask him to come.

I unloaded on her. Where was my brother when you moved? Where was my brother when dad was in the hospital? Where was my brother when your computer broke down - not that he could fix it... I'm not cursing Matt, but she needed to understand that I was there quite a bit for her and dad. Now, you're having a stinking party and I can't make it. Sorry.

Maybe something like that needs to happen with Ms. Squatpuke...

That's similar to what I was going to say. :(

Man, I was so more than thrilled to get married to Abe and get out of the house....He wanted to go visit parents right after the honeymoon and I'm like, NO! Let's go do something ourselves! We actually had some minor fights over that. I was more than happy to get the apron strings out of the way! Heck, you still hafta drag me to either mine or his parents'....I finally have control over MY life with MY kids and MY husband. Of course, all in God's will, mind you.

Anyways...praying for you, Squat and Mrs. Squat. I really hope things get better soon.

Yeah, what's up with a half a mil house? WHO needs a house like THAT?! You getting maid service? :P

Our house probably looks like a cottage compared to yours! :haha:

Sad thing is, I don't make a ton of money....

I make enough to MAYBE make the house payment (we put down 235K (equity from last house))....


Thing is, when my mother died a few months ago, she left my brother and I her monthly income (through a fixed annuity) for the next 5 years...so I'm (maybe) getting an extra $1700/month for the next five years. (course Uncle Sam will get a nice cut)

(The reason I say maybe is because everything is still being worked out with her Trust...I haven't seen a dime yet, and if I don't see the money, we have to sell the house and move again...)

Stress ? ? ? yup.

Faith ? ? ? ummmmm.....?????


BTW....wifey just called and left a weepy voice messege that her parents are "now out of our life" whatever that means....what ticks me off is that wifey NEVER cries, more manipulation thinks I.

I hadn't been able to git to this but wanted to, cain't git to indepth right now as I'm tryin to keep from gittin run'd over in CA.

I feel for you brother, I was there once wit my ex wife, in fact it was probly one the thins that broke us up the most an I can tell you your walkin on egg shells all the time, your totally damned if you do an damned if you don't. If you follow ever lil thin they do, decide, want etc it drives you out of your brain an if you fight em on everthin then your the bad guy an everones got an attitude towards you.

I don't mind sayin this even if it hacks folks off, your wife is tryin to completely minipulate you. Its litteral bullshit to be callin leavin messages, havin your kids do it, makin the kids think your jes bein a jerk for not bein round etc. My ex used to leave me these crap ass messages claimin the same thin, so an so is now out of our lives... yah right, til I walked through the door, she'd jes say whatever she thought I wanted to hear so I wouldn't be mad bout whatever. Nuthin ever changed really, at least in the scheme of thins. Though I did implement some polices that helped.

I completely understand your wish to respect em as elders etc but here are some thins. I fought this one to. It's your house, you are the head of the house by Gods order, wether any of em, includin your wife accepts that er not, you are the leader. In your house, lined up wit the word of God, what you say goes. An in your house, everbody respects you under order not request. The same would apply if you were in thier house, you don't disrespect em, you don't ignore em an you don't try to take charge of sumthin that is not your place. These ground rules must be applied an regardless of wether your wife supports you in it right now is in material. In fact, one on one I'd tell your FIL that he wouldn't tolerate this crap in his home, what makes em think you should put up wit it? You can do that an still be respectful in it. If he respects you at all then he'd understand.

I agree, none of this bullshit family meetin crap, the order of thins is for you an your wife, if they want to faimly meet then they meet you, you are the coverin for your wife/faimly, they will deal wit you, an your wife is either for you er she's for er folks, there can be no middle ground, a divided front will fail.

No more of this correctin YOUR kids either, they are YOURS. I'd say sumthin long the lines of thanks for the help but I've got it well in hand. Your kids do not need to see sumthin that you allow in your home be nailed on by grandfolks an you not to back up thier position. If its not allowed in your inlaws place fine, that their place. No one other then God emsef oughta tell you how to run your home. This isn't a matter of womens rights, nuthin to do wit your wifes wants desires feelins etc, its bout what is right an proper in the Lord, an honestly she's really screwin up in the eyes of God if she is not supportin you wether she likes it er not.

No one is sayin er parents havta be dead to er er anythin like that but that boundaries must be in place an violation of those boundaries should carry sevre penalities includin not bein welcome in YOUR home. You should not be the one to leave, if anythin you show em the door an let it be known that when they can respect you, your position an your home they are more then welcome to come back. WARNIN: this will make your wife flip. that bein said, I'd look er straight in the eye an says to er, you are either for me er your not. I love you but this is the way it is, an as much as I hate alternatives this is one. You either choose me as your husband er you don't.

One thin I will never git over is a message left by my ex jes before I went to er folks house to pick er up after a trip she went on. "I can not be married to you right now"..................... hello??!! what the hell does that mean?? You don't jes wake up an decide your not goin to be married one day. Each of the times my ex split were all the same, right after spendin time wit er folks wether in person er very long on the phone. She would not stand for me an allowed them to dictate our marriage to er, which I of course bawked at.

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A2J is a good bro.

To put what A2J said in Bible terms:

Sittin' down w/ Mrs. squatpuke is in order. Hash it out. Ya gotsta hash it out otherwise...........purchase a steel cup.

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Well...this thing is starting to take a turn for the worse.

:huh:

I said a prayer for you guys last night, Squat....I hope things start taking a turn for the better....

Do you feel comfortable given us an update? Damn sorry to hear thins aren't improvin (yet). Hold on to Jesus an He'll hold on to you, liftin you an yours up in prayer brother.

Did you find out what she meant about her parents being out of your lives?

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Apparently I'm not allowed at their house in Phoenix now...even though I never kicked them outta mine....go figure.


Wifey (w/o my ok) wrote them a check for $500 bones to offset their "cost" of "helping us"...(plus paid for their meals while intruding). She's just plain outta control.


So not only did I get to sleep on the floor for 3 nights straight, but it cost me money to have them screw up my life. From what I can tell, they pumped up wifey on what a insecure, unreliable jerk I am...they (wifey and inlaws) now think I'm bi-polar and want me on meds. Nothing like being mentally castrated with some Prozac.


If I didin't have kids, I would seriously consider a separation.

Sounds to me like the in-laws need to grow up some. :rollseyes:

I was writing a reply when my lovely young rug-rat unplugged the power cord on the computer. :urgh:

So, they think you're bipolar, eh? From one with experience let me bounce a few facts off ya.

1. Bipolar Disorder is characterized by clinical depression and mania. Depression is something we all understand, but let me go over the symptoms again: Suididal tendencies, sleep problems (either too much or not enough), eating problems (either too much or not enough) and sadness.
Mania, however, is less widely known. And mania is where some of the more serious problems associated with bipolar disorder come. Mania is a good feeling - not necessarily happy, but good. Think bulletproof. Invincible. You can do no wrong. You are God, as far as you are concerned. Throw into this mix someone who may say you are wrong. Now you go ballistic and throw things, hit walls, etc.
When you're not angry, you still can do no wrong. So, you spend a lot of money believing it's the right thing. You mess around on your spouse believing it's the right thing. You do all kinds of crazy things because you believe they are the right thing.
That's bipolar disorder. It's marked by a reduced abililty to perceive reality as real. It can develop into paranoid schizophrenia if untreated.

2. Your writings (if you're on the up-and-up with us, which I have no reason to believe you are not)don't indicate that you have any psychiatric issues. You seem to be on the level, and you appear to be on an even-keel. Rather than stick around for a fight, you left - which may be more noble.

3. People have to categorize others. When they perceive your response to a given stimuli as wrong, they believe you must have a problem. When I was literally a raging madman, I believed everyone else had a problem - not me. So, your in-laws see your response as something that they would not expect "a normal person" to do. They label you. They diagnose you and save the time and trouble of having a professional do it for you.

4. Meds are the last resort. You do not want to be on lithium or depakote (two very good anti-manics), 'cuz your statement about mental castration was very true. I am a very creative person. When I was on meds for bipolar disorder, my creativity was gone. I could not write. I could not sing. I could not feel. They were necessary, but not permanently.

Squat,
You and Mrs. Squat need to sit down and have a serious heart-to-heart. Tell her what happened and why you did what you did. Then ask her to go to counseling with you. Make it a Christian Counselor or a preacher that you trust. You'll meet her half-way, but she has to go with you. Discuss with the counselor everything you have been through. Make sure Mrs. Squat doesn't interrupt you. Don't interrupt her. Parliamentary procedure must prevail or you'll both leave the counseling session in worse shape than when you went in.

Most importantly, pray. In John 14 and 15, Jesus promised us a Counselor. He called that Counselor the Holy Spirit. We know that the Holy Spirit is among us, and desires to help us - even if we don't really want the help.

We're all praying with you, my friend, and we all know that you are suffering terribly. We won't leave you hangin'.

oh - and I wouldn't worry about not being allowed in their house. That means less headache. More chance for you to do things around the house - eat good manly food like chili with beans...

I fully understand the In-Law issue....

My own Parents have rules to follow in my house, so do my inlaws....

The only thing I can say is hold a family meeting inform your in-laws if they try to attend that this is an issue for you, your wife and your kids, you appreciate their interest in wanting to get this rectified but you need to solve this issue witht he members that live there first, then after it gets settled, the other members of the family are welcome to give their advice, but warn them that it is advice and does not have to be taken.....

Depakote is an anti-depressant?

My Mother-in-law is on that for her Epilepsy as an anti-seizure med, and my son is on it as an Anti Migrain preventative....

Not anti-depressant, anti-manic. It does prevent seizures, and my doctor told me that bipolar disorder is akin to a seizure disorder - but in an emotional control area of the brain, not a motor control area.

It is prescribed either in conjunction with lithium or in place of lithium for people who cannot take large doses.

Okay and Migraines are similar to Seizures as it's normally the electrical impulses in the brain firing out of control.....

I'm praying for you Squat....

I'll have Misty pray for you too....

Remember one important thing......

You love your wife that's why you married her... but you gotta love yourself too... and that means putting an end to any crap she tries to pull......