My wife wants to have a $17,000 surgery that will decrease the rate at which food enters her stomach.

http://www.tlbc.ca

The point of this surgery is to create a feeling of "fullness", that will decrease the rate at which she eats, and result in "guaranteed weight loss".

Here's the best part... she's not joking.

Can someone give me a gun? No... not to shoot my wife. But to shoot myself in the head.

We live in a world sick with sin and this sickness pervades us. I still suggest marital counsling..Perhaps if the marriage were vetter, then her feelings of self worth would be better too.



Here I am, the pot calling the kettle black.....

Wow, um, maybe your wife just likes to obsessively window shop really expensive things?

Tell your wife to live in the real world, not just some fantasy world...

She brought up the idea last week and prefaced it with, "You're not gonna like this, but this is something that I want to consider.". She sent me the email link that I provided above.

I really just ignored it. And that was before she mentioned the price.

We got into a huge fight on Monday. A relationship fight... the kind that ruins us the most. I'll admit that I was at fault.

So, believing that she now has an upper hand over me (since I was the guilty party in our argument), she sends me an email saying that she's "decided" that she's going to go ahead with the procedure and that it costs $17,000 and she's going to use the proceeds from our sale of the condo to pay for half, and pay for the rest on a payment plan.

If I wasn't so angry at her, I would've laughed. Suddenly, she feels that she has sole control over our finances because she's mad at me. Either that, or she thinks that my guilt is going to get her whatever she wants.

We argued some more last night and finally came to "somewhat" of a resolve. At that point, she brought up this elastic band surgery. I told her it wasn't going to happen. I had to be gentle with my wording since we were just exiting out of a heated argument and I was aiming for recovery. She tried to argue her position some more as to why this is something that she has to do. I held my ground.

This is part of an email that she sent me this morning:

Like I said... I just need a gun to put myself out of this misery. I feel like my life is some kind of sitcom and I'm the only one not laughing. How did I end up in this situation?

:wall:

Seriously - is she bipolar? Spending sprees (and using money as power in a relationship) are signs. She needs some serious help, beyond marital counseling. I don't know at what point outside intervention would be necessary, but you need to talk to her about getting serious psychiatric help. You've described her moodiness, her anger, her depression... all these (in my experience) point to bipolar disorder or at least a severe depression. Yeah - by whatever means necessary, get her to a doctor.

I dunno... in a way I guess I'd love to see her be diagnosed as being bipolar.

That way, I'd have something to blame her behaviour on.

But she has her normal moments, and it's during those times when I say to myself, "Hmmm, maybe she's not bipolar and just has a hard time dealing with her emotions rationally"

IF I recall from pictures - Mrs. Red isn't a large lady by any means. I mean - isn't this type of stuff for those who are dangerously obese?

Sorry bro - my prayers are with you.

She's about 5'6" and 185lbs (roughly).

She carries it well, in a really proportionate way. Because when I look through her dozens of fitness magazines and they show another lady with the same stats, the other lady will look a lot... rounder. Whereas my wife isn't round. She's just thick in the typical places (thighs, hips, butt, etc).

I told her that I like how she looks and that I didn't want her looking like that Star Jones freak. I also told her that I don't want her doing this thinking that I'm unhappy with her appearance.

She says that these procedures are for people who are in her range. Not quite obese, but in search of losing 50-60 lbs.

She's researched this from every angle and even has a former co-worker who now works at the facility and feeds her information about the procedure.

Okay..$17,000 for a 50 pound weight loss?!?!?! Has she tried exercising? Have you tried convincing her to go to counseling or marrital therapy or something? If you can go togetehr, then maybe she would be more open eventually to going alone for herself...

Aha! you mentioned that you hadn't been in church in a while, and i assume that goes for her too? GO TO CHURCH! Get her involved and redirect her thoughts...Maybe it will help........

You know, I went to a support group for parents with special needs and I find it interesting that 2 of the moms there are now in a "healthy separation" from their hubbies...I'm like :blink: There's a special needs child in the middle and you guys think you can just "separate"? Apparently, there is no anger or resentment between the spouses, they just feel the need to take a breather from each other I guess (?) They have their own apartments and everything and keep track of their own bills...

Maybe a brief separation might help Mrs. Redguard realize that money does not grow on trees? I mean, first the ring and now this?! I think some sort of counselling might benefit, too.

Red, keeping you and Mrs in my prayers.

Based on this site, she doesn't qualify for the procedure
My Webpage

and from your description she doesn't need to lose 50-80 lbs, maybe 30-40 depending on her bone structure.

Yeah, I think church (a good church, mind you) could benefit her a lot. it sounds to me like she jumps around from thing to thing hoping it will help her feel like she has control of her life. She doesn't have control. God does. If she can learn to realize that and take comfort in it, it could change her life.

I filled it in with her details.

You're right. It says she doesn't qualify.

I'm sure she'd just ignore it if I sent her that link though. :(

Mrs. Redguard rule #1: Do not attempt to prove Mrs. Redguard wrong. Mrs. Redguard is never wrong.

Mrs. Redguard sounds a lot like Mr. Amyroo. :rollseyes:

In her defense, she does exercise a lot. She goes jogging a lot and has a library of Tae-Bo DVDs that she works on regularly.

But the weight doesn't go away. Last night, she said that she's probably spent a grand total of $4000 over the years trying to lose weight by having gym memberships, personal trainers, and buying diet food crap.

And you're right though... $17,000 for 50lbs? Her priorities are messed up. I don't know who she's trying to impress because I like her how she is right now, and all the women on her side of the family (ALL OF THEM) are 200+ lbs.

In regards to talking to her and saying stuff about counselling... that would have to come from someone besides me. It's like this; A friend of hers can say to her, "The sun is yellow" and she'll say, "Okay". Then I'll come up to her and say, "The sun is yellow" and her response will be like, "No, actually, it's more of a grayish orange".

I've told her time and time again that I find her to be extremely difficult to speak to (which is why I spend so much time online). For me to say to her, "I think you need to consider counselling" would have the opposite effect.

For the most part, I was normal. I had my moments, though, when I was seriously manic or seriously depressed - and that's why I sought help. Without help in controlling myself (my wife's presence to prevent me spending all our hard-earned money for example), I was a loose cannon. I was able to hold down a job from my diagnosis in October, 2000 until I was laid off (along with the rest of Halliburton's computer department) in May, 2002.

So, periods of normalcy are normal with bipolar disorder. It's not like a person is completely incapacitated. And, resisting help is also common. "There's nothing wrong with me!" I screamed for four years - before the cop suggested I get help or go to jail...

If you can honestly say that your wife DOES exercise a lot and has been consistent with her exercise and diet, then I think you should consider it.

Even if it’s just a matter of going to the doctor for a consultation with your wife. The doctor will probably tell your wife she doesn’t qualify for the surgery.

If he does, YOU SHOULD MAKE AN ACTIVE EFFORT TO LOOK FOR ALTERNATIVES…

Of course the only alternative for losing weight is to Exercise Regularly and Eat Healthy. Nothing else works.

Sit down and make a schedule with her. Schedule times where you will watch the kid, and she can go to the gym. MAKE HER GO.

If you encourage her, she’ll lose the weight.

I personally think $17,000 is a small price to pay for a bombing looking wife. I’ve got so much debt with NOTHING to show for it, I’d be happy if I was in debt and had a bombing looking wife to show for it. Of course Heather is bombing looking and it really only cost me about $45 a month for her gym membership… That’s a hell of a deal!!

Anyhoo… Bottom line, you should encourage her!

That is why I suggested going to church. If she won't listen to you, perhaps she will listen to the voice of God telling her that He loves her.

I told her that I'm afraid of what this surgery might do to her, in terms of the physical effects.

If this thing is so great, then why isn't everyone in Hollywood doing it rather than making reality shows of them trying to lose weight? That kind of cost is probably just a drop in the bucket for them.

I know that when my wife goes a certain amount of time with no food, she gets MESSED UP. Headaches, stomach aches, whining, complaining, nausea, etc. That's just how her mind and body are conditioned.

So to have this surgery which, in essence, fools your body into thinking that you're not hungry, would result in the same effects. I'm no doctor, but that's why I'm thinking.

She asked me to at least go to a consultation with her and I told her no. I said that I didn't want her to think even for a second that this was something that I support. Even if it meant going to a free consultation. But if I change my mind, then I'm gonna make sure I'm equipped with that website that AmyR00 provided.

She's just got the metabolism of the women in her family. They can try to lose weight all they want, but it just won't go away. Not naturally, at least.

Wife says that she wants to do this so that she can appear to others as having a 'healthy lifestyle'. And to her, health is defined by how one looks and weighs (this is her argument when it comes to her getting what she wants, but she'll quickly use another argument if someone, like my mom, accused her of not being healthy).

I just don't trust this procedure and I don't trust her intentions... whatever they may be.

My daughter is a chubby kid and she'll probably inherit the same body type that her mom and grandma and aunts have.

I wonder if my wife will suggest to her to have the same procedure done?

Okay, I feel like we've all had this conversation before.

I really don't think this is logically about weight. She THINKS its about her weight, but I'd be willing to bet the farm (if I had one) that if she actually did this, she would just wind up moving on to some other costly 'lack' she sees in her life. First, it was the ring. Now, her weight. The only thing these two things have in common in HER feelings about the appearence of her life.

Red, have you considered going to counseling yourself for advice on how to deal? After a while, she might beg to come along just to find out what you're saying about her and, voila, suddenly you're in counseling together - and it was her idea.

I'd been wanting to go to counselling (for myself) for a long time. But it wasn't possible because my wife worked a lot of shift-type hours that would have her out during the evenings a lot and it would've been hard to plan any sessions.

But she has a new job now, which is a daytime 9-5 job. My employer has one of those outsourced counselling things that are free for employees. I guess I can check it out now, since her work schedule is now fixed.

You can change your metabolism - it's possible. But - some people have a chemical imbalance that just makes their metabo run slow. There are a lot of supplements that speed up the metabolism. There is also one that "tricks the brain" into thinking it's full.

I'd say save the $17000 and see a nutritionist or Dr. about how to speed up the metabo...

I was thinking what you were, Red, regarding the eating/not eating thing if she had this done. She'll be HOPEfully eating less, which according to you would cause even more problems....also, she has to realize it will STILL be a lifestyle change. Meaning, she won't be able to eat whatever she wants, she's still going to have to watch what she eats & how much.

Also, talking about the metabolism....I forever did NOT and REFUSED to believe that you could eat like 6 times a day & lose weight....until I tried it a couple weeks ago. Now, I eat little meals every 3 or 4 hours and the weight is coming off! :clap: I've also started on exercising every day, but I was pretty much doing that before along with cutting way BACK on my food intake....didn't work. :nono:

I also take that One A Day vitamin that's for Weight Loss (supposedly speeds up metabolism), & it seems to help as well.

I'm just so iffy about "fixes" like this.....I'd hate for it to turn into a bigger health problem for her, yannow? What if THIS doesn't work for her?? :unsure:

The "6 meals a day" is a GREAT way to lose weight. It totally changes your metabo & kicks it into high gear. IT's hard at first - but once you get going it's easy.

It WAS hard at first....I had to force myself to eat that often because I just didn't feel hungry!! Now I look forward to it, I'm never really hungry so I don't find myself binging at dinnertime.....wish I'd tried it sooner!! :doh:

Eating several times a day will also help with low iron...:wave: ....Yep! That's me! If I don't eat, I get tired, moody, cranky and just downright a real...BLEEP! So eating at least 5 small meals a day does do wonders.

That explains a lot! Seems like you don't eat nearly enough! B)

I don't understand how we can equate weight loss with beauty or happiness. Seems to me she needs to learn to be comfortable in her own skin.

And Redguard, it doesn't really matter how you feel about her (this is something my husband is struggling with, with me) what matters is how she feels about how she looks. Still, this is very selfish and sort of a lazy way to drop a small amount of weight. AND it's probably not going to solve the root of her weight issues anyway.

Why not invest in 6 months with a personal trainer (it's cheaper). Sure she's running, but is she running right? Is she building muscles increase her metabolism? Is she eating right? Is she sneaking Cheetos when you're not looking? Maybe (and I know this is a stretch because she'll probably be arguing with the trainer about how to do this properly) once she's accountable to someone (a stranger) she'll work a more affective fitness program.

Hey! Hook her up with Doris! She'll kick her butt!

Go on vacation and try this first:

Bikini Boot Camp

I completely disagree with this advice, no offense, but check your scripture. Under no circumstances are we, after entering the covenent of marriage, given the option to separate especially for the sole purpose of teaching the other party a lesson. What happened to loving the other person as our own flesh?


On another note, the fact that your daughter is "chubby" sets off bells in my head about the whole family's lifestyle. Maybe you should try to do something all together, like planning meals set up by a nutritionist and go biking or take a class together. Probably the best thing you can do is cut out all the preservatives and go for a whole foods diet. Our bodies are made to process food in it's more natural state so there is less tendancy to retain fat.

It's really not a lifestyle thing. I honestly think that it's simply a genetic matter. I'm speaking of my daughter here, specifically.

She just turned three. She's not fat or obese or anything like that. She's just chubby... as in cuddly. But I can see at the same time that she isn't rail-thin like some of her classmates, some of whom I feel I could probably wrap my thumb and finger around their thighs and make them meet.

As a family, we eat really well. A lot of low fat, low carb foods. My wife exercises a lot, and I've even started joining her by taking walks around the boulevard that last about 90 minutes.

I'm trying not to sound defensive. It's just that I've had people make the comment before about lifestyles or eating "habits", and I just try my best to let people know that it's really not a case of there being an issue in that department.

I'm of the belief that you can grab two babies born on the same day, having the same weight, and raise them on the exact same diet and exercise regime and the results are very likely that one COULD look very different than the other in terms of their weight and physique. All having to do with their metabolism and genetics.

Its not unusual for small children to be chubby. My SIL was proud when her three year old actually got on the growth charts for the first timer in her life. She was always chunky for her age--She took after her father's side--he and all of his bros were big toddlers. I wouldn't worry about her..

Is Mrs. Red still going on about the surgery?

No, she hasn't brought it up. Well... not for herself. She was talking about one of the Directors at her workplace and saying that she was taking a 3-week vacation for surgery. My wife suspects that she's having the procedure done. That was all she said about it though.

At the same time, things seem to be getting better between us at the moment.

yay! :booyah: Did you give her the new ring yet? (sorry, don't keep track.)

Nope.

The new ring will be an anniversary gift, which will be on Sept. 14th.

We'll be going to Montreal on our anniversary (I talked her out of us going to NYC).

I'm still working on how I'll be doing the over-the-top dramatic restaurant reproposal.

ooooooo, over the top dramatic.....

Make sure you have someone videotaping it for sure.

awwwwwwwwww thats cute

Hi Red,

I'm way late on this topic. Sorry. I'm 5'6" and 187 lbs. I'm a size 12 and the fat is distributed all over my body. Not sure what my bodyfat really is, but I'm guessing it's in the 25% range. I should know later this month after I get dunked.

I disagree with your wife and with 4Jacks about $17,000 is a small price to pay for a hot looking wife.

Your wife is an engineer and so am I. What I have learned is no matter what you say, if a person has low self-esteem, they are never going to be happy with themselves PERIOD. They will find their solace in many things, all of which are the wrong things. Believe me, I know this one.

In 2001, I learned about an energy psychology method called EFT (emotional freedom technique). Through that, counseling, my self-esteem is now good and healthy. Frankly at what I look like right now, and even when I was 25 lbs heavier, I felt the whole time I am and was very hot looking. When I reach my goal of 15% bodyfat and all along the way, I will STILL be hot looking.

In fact, I think I'm gorgeous. Yeah, with makeup and a nice dress, hair all done up, it's impressive, but even here unshowered, in my jammies, no makeup, I feel I look great. How I feel about myself doesn't depend on what size I am, my bodyfat, muscle or how I look. Those are superficial and change.

Who I am also does not depend on the house I live in, the cars I drive, my job, how much money I make or anything. I know who I am in Christ and He says I'm totally loved, cherished, valued. End of story.

I truly think getting the band, gastric and any of that other stuff is a cop out. In the end, when people take these shortcuts, they miss out on what God is trying to do in their lives in glorifying Him. Sure, a person looks better temporarily, but it doesn't last. We reap what we sow.

A friend of mine did gastric in January. She's lost a tremendous amount of weight. But, as I was looking at her, her skin was saggy, she looked actually older and more tired. Though, to me, she has always been a beautiful woman, I think she did herself a disservice.

Red, if this helps your wife any, I've been on my weight loss journey for the past 9 years. I started out with wanting to lose about 40-50 lbs. I still have 20-25 lbs left of that to lose. God has taught me a great deal through this whole time. The way I eat, think, exercise, do things has also totally changed, but it's been a progressive thing. Long standing habits take time to change and to understand how they were developed in the first place.

I workout regularly on a 5-6 day basis, eat very healthy, and a lot of other things. I do more than most people do to lose weight, and I also know a great deal about my body, lots of alternative and traditional things. My relationship with God has been so strengthened by the trials & tribulations I've had to do to persevere.

It's easy to give up when things don't go your way. Truly successful people do not give up. Any good engineer in problem solving works to find out the root cause. It does no good to band-aid the problem, as this in the end causes more problems.

Send your wife my way. I'm an engineer that has worked full-time in industry, very competitively for 15 yrs now, married, raising 2 young children, exercise regularly, eat healthy, and a host of many other things. I haven't given in to the notion that I have to be 120 lbs or I'm not valued. I also don't need jewelry or other things to validate who I am.

I'll share with your wife on the steps I took to heal, and how I went from super bad very low self-esteem, perfectionist, OCD person to one with a high self-esteem person who is able to give God control of her life.

It's a process and did not happen over night. I continue in this process and I'm not giving up. I'm not going to listen to people who take shortcuts. There is a difference between efficiency and shortcuts. She is not becoming more efficient, rather she is taking shortcuts.

Anyway, I didn't mean to sound harsh. Your wife needs professional help, and not just in one area. It's fine to have help. I have and get help on a regular basis. Psychology is not my expertise, so why would I act as if it is?

Praying for you,
Doris

well i work in a hospital where i've seen these surgeries. to be honest, i wouldn't do it. of course the type surgeries at my hospital were the actual bypass, not the band. i've seen too many horror stories to even think about doing it, even if i needed. if your wife is absolutly set on having this procedure done, then the band would be the safes route. and please research the facility/doctor. the doctor who did them at our hospital looked good on paper, but in reality, he wasn't. i can't go into detail, but lets just say he didn't have the morals you'd want your doctor to have. take your time with this topic :unsure: