Okay so it is 5:26 right now. I have to get up at 4 AM with my husband so that he can get off to work and be there by 6. I have to iron his shirts and sometimes his pants, fix his lunch, make his tea that he takes every day, and oftentimes I have to deal with our five year old because he wakes her up too. I have asked him repeatedly not to do that, but he continues. He doesn't care that the early hours are my only time to exist without children yakking at me and haning off my eyelashes... He leaves half an hour early althoughit is really only a fifteen minute drive on a bad day. He gets there early so he can check his email, etc. . . Okay so no one should have to wake up at 4AM. Period. He has just been having a slim Fasrt for breakfast, but apparently that is not good enough. He wanted me to fix breakfast this morning. Some mornings I'll make pancakes and that is fine with him, but not today. He woke me up this morning begging me to make biscuits and gravy. You know that to make a whole batch of sausage, biscuits(even frozen) and gravy will take more time than I have given the otehr things I have to do for him. So he sends our daughter to ask for pancakes. I make them and he comes into the kitchen and says that he doesn't want them. They are too sweet he doesn't want the first thing he sticks in his mouth to be sugarr and sweet. So he Why dont you eat that and I'll just have a slim Fast. He goes on about needing more time so that these things can be done, and going to bed at 6:30 or 7:00 so that we can get up in time.blah b;lah blah. He won't directly say it but he wants me to get up at like 3:30 or some ridiculous hour just to make his ass some sausage!!!!!!!!!!!!@$#!^%&%*# I ask him "what? Do you want me to get up at 3 and make specisl breakfasts for you? HE says" I'd do it for you ifyou were working. I like careing for people and doing things for them when I can."

What a load of crap! I am so irritataed atr him right now............What he says sounds nice in theory, but when reality comes and he has an opportunity to do something like that--10 to 1 he'll be too "tired" or "exhausted" so he can't help.....I can't tell you how many times I have made breakfast for him and for one reason or another he has actually dumped it in the trash or just refused to eat it. And now he wants me to take his snotty attitude and lose sleep to wake up earlier amd make him specisl hot breakfasts when there is a chance that he will for some lame reason or another refuse to eat it. WEhy should i cook for him when he is going to be so da**picky. Who does he think he is? That is just rude to(indirectly, of course) ask someone to wake up at 3 or 3:30 AM to freakin cook for them!!

I do wish I had the ne5rve to behave like he does and trash the food he cooks for me. I just can't bring myself to be so wasteful and snobby. Geez what in the world do I do in this situation??????????

Well, being the good submissive wife that I am, I would offer to get up at 3 am to cook whatever he wanted, to make sure the clothes were ironed, tea made, etc.
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NOT!!!! :rollseyes: Seriously, if this were me in this situation, I'd do all I could to make my DH happy, but you can only do so much. Can you iron his shirt/pants the night or day before, so at least that's done ahead of time? As for the breakfast thing, luckily my DH isn't a breakfast eater, he only takes a breakfast bar with him. Maybe you could get DH to tell you the night before what he wants for breakfast the next morning, then you'd have an idea. BUT he also should know that you're NOT a short-order cook and that if he doesn't eat what you cook, then he's on his own. A couple days of going hungry, maybe he'll change his tune & be grateful to you.

I don't have any advice about him waking up your little one....does he actually go in her room & get her up? Or does she just hear you guys & get up on her own? Andie always wakes up when she hears Ty getting his junk together, getting ready to leave. But if she gets up earlier, I just make sure she gets a good nap in & goes to bed earlier that night. My feelings on that one are that she hardly ever gets to see her daddy during the week, with his hours, so if she gets up early enough to see him in the morning, IMO it's good for her.

I'll be curious to hear the other advice you'll get.....I'd like to hear a guys' perspective... :nod:

:lol:
From what I've learned about you on this board, when I first read this my jaw dropped.

:eek:

A guy's perspective. B) How about a 'working spouse' perspective! :whistle:

I think the guy's being incredibly selfish. Not only does he insist the whole house gets up when he does, he's also complaining that it's not enough. Yeah - I enjoy the time I get without my kids, too.

Kerense usually gets up around 4:00 to get ready to be at work by 6. I'd like to get up with her, but let's face it - 6 hours of sleep just don't cut it (we usually get to bed by 10:00 or later). So, I only do on rare occasions.

She never asks for anything in the morning, but then again, she's so self-sufficient that I could turn her loose in the desert and she'd come home healthier than when she left.

So, I guess, in short - I can't relate. I do think he's being selfish, though. Get up, get to work and come home and spend time with the family.

Wow, it's amazing that a Christian man can be so selfish. That is NOT loving his wife like Christ loved the church. And you are not wrong to be resentful.

String, I still do not understand why you're doing some of this stuff in the morning. Why aren't you ironing and making lunch at night? My husband got up at 4:30 a.m. today. His clothes were washed and he lays them out the night before so he doesn't bug me trying to find them. One or both of us put his lunch together and set up the coffee maker while we're cleaning up from dinner the night before. He has to be out of the house 15 minutes after he gets up, so breakfast isn't an issue for us.

Why don't you make an appointment with your priest. Go in and speak with him and maybe his wife (we do that in our church because our pastor doesn't think men should counsel women so I don't know if you can do that too.) and explain your concerns. You are being a model wife. But at this rate, you're going to go postal one day. You can't last like this forever. It's not fair, it's not reasonable, and it's certainly NOT biblical. This is abuse. And it always seems like your husband sort of lords his whole "head of the house" title over you. That's sinful.

If laughter was an exercise, I'd be in perfect shape right about now! :rolf:

String, you've posted about this type of behaviour several times and I too, think you and your husband should sit down with your priest and see what can be done about it. This is nicht gute. Sorry, I just don't know what else to say. I agree with doing things the night before, so it's less hectic in the morning.

This may be the "Stupid Question of the Day".

But how do spouses, who use the same messageboard, deal with each other venting and exposing their business for everyone to see?

That's part of the reason that he usually has Slim Fast for breakfast. I would do those things in the evening, but since he gets up at 4 He thinks that he needs a full eight hours sleep, so we go to bed at 8 PM. The kids go to bed 6:30 to 7:30 (part of the reason it is so easy to get Anneliese up so early) and I have to brush their teeth, etc...Also he seems to think that thinkgs put in a sandwish bag at night would be stale by the time his lunch came around the next day. Wrong--Iknow--But he has gotten ideas into his head that will not leave and I suffer for them.
I hate his schedule buit he won't change it because he doesn't want to be left at work at 3 when most of the people in his group leave. He doesn't want to have to sit there looking at the clock waiting for his time to go home, when he could have left at 3. I hate his scedule!!!

I am not sure why but my body doesn't adjust to a 4 AM schedule. even if I have slept eight hours or more I cannot function until much later in the morning. I do often go backto bed because I am soo useless and run down at that time of the day. He says that is why I am tired in the morning, but what does he know...?

He doesn't trust our priest so much. He feels that he(priest) is too liberal and any advice he gives will be from a liberal standpoint. Otherwise I would talk to him. Also he would be embarrassed to tell our problems to anyone else. I tell him that if he is embarrassed to discuss his behavior, then the behavior must be wrong.. But he never listens to me.. Ugh! I feel at a loss..

Out of curiosity, what does your husband say when you tell him not to wake up your daughter, that you are exhausted first thing in the morning, that you're upset when he throws out the food you've cooked, etc?

I understand your feelings, but I haven't heard how the grown-up conversations on the matter usually go.

I'm really bad at this so I guess I'll just preface what I'm about to say with this;

If you are just venting then ignore what I'm about to say, if you are seeking advice then please read on...

As Christian spouses we are called to love our spouse until they become lovely. I'm not defending your spouse's behavior but I will say that complaining about it, berating him or expecting him to change is going to get you nowhere. If you truly desire change I would pray that God would change your heart. I would then change my attitude about the tasks I had to do in the morning for your DH. Think of them as an opportunity to show him how much you love him, even if it is unappreciated. Don't complain. Don't ask him to change his schedule. Don't expect him to meet you half way. Dennis and Barbara Rainey (Founders of FamilyLife) seem to think that the reason for the majority of divorces today is because spouses expect to meet their significant other half way (the 50/50 plan) when this is far from biblical perspective on marriage. We are called to 100% give ourselves up for the other. We are to love them completely even if they don't show us an ounce of love. Jesus loves us even when we are completely unlovely. If you wait for him to change you will be waiting a long time. If you decide that you will do all you can to love him and show him how much he means to you then I promise you that given some time his attitude will change and he will begin to become more "lovely" and easier to love b/c he'll be wanting to return all the love you are giving him! I understand that you were probably very frustrated when you posted but I really want to encourage you to set a great example of God's love in your home by loving your husband even when he is being selfish. What an example you'll be setting for your daughter! I'll be praying for you!

He usually says she was stirring around waking up already, or He says that he wanted to make her go to the bathroom, or change her clothes if she had an accident...(Usually she has accidents when he turns off the alarm we got her to wake her up in the middle of the night to go pee!!--a whole different thread! Says he doesn't want to be woken up by her alarm{although I am the one to get up with her}, so he sleeps and she pees)

He doesn't really say much about about the throwing out of food. It doesn't happen very often, so its been a while and I can't remember what he said last time. There are certain things that I refuse to make for him because he complains about the way I did it or something and I think Pancakes are on that list now. He asked for it and then refused it. If he wants pancakes he can make them himself from now on. (he's thrown out pancakes out too because he thought they were too dark.)

I tell him that it hurts for him to do that to me but he just doesn't understand. I really am thinking that maybe I should behave like he does once nd let him experience it firsthand. I also ask him if he would do that if his mother were to cook iy that way. But by this time it usually has escalated to a fight...So irritating.

If reincarnation were a real thing I swear that he would claim some nobility in his past life and that would be his reason for thinking and acting the way he does...I just wanna smack him..

Not to hijack this thread...
My husband doesn't frequent boards, but I write as if he did. Once I wrote something that I felt ashamed of and I won't do it again. I wouldn't write anything that I haven't or wouldn't be able to tell him. That's how I handle it.


BTW, this would probably make a good discussion thread.

Sure, normal people would feel like this. Unfortunately, people who feel that they're entitled to all that without giving anything back won't change. They'll just get worse and demand more.

Agreed.

String, are you sure it's wise posting here? Just so you know, you can PM any time.

This is something he and I have discussed over and over and over again. What I've posted here is nothing I haven't already tried to straighten out with him before.

As for venting or actually seeking advice.. I don't even know. I hate being made to wake at 4AM. That's it. There is absolutely nothing that can make me like it. I hate it. But I have no choice, do I? Maybe I was just venting--you know I can only take dong this and being criticized for it for so long before I have to vent. Then it starts all over. The frustration will buld up again and I'll need to vent later.

I knew someone would bring up the whole " Just do it with hapiness and things will get better" line. I find that hard to believe. Are you saying happily wake up and get out of bed at 3AM and stumble around in the middle of the night serving him so that he will be happy and he will return the kindness?

Prediction: He'd be happy for a little while until he found some little thing you "didn't do right." Could be anything, but there would be something.
Of course I may be off base and this doesn't sound likely at all.

There's always something...

Have you gotten in trouble for breathing wrong yet? I have asthma, so that happened a lot at my house.

No.. Its not that bad anymore...

I agree that we (spouses) should do our best to make our DH/DW happy. And I try to do that....

HOWEVER, there is a point where it's simply not do-able, and String's case sounds like one of those. Like Mandy said, he might be happy for awhile if she stumbles out of bed at 3 am to give him his breakfast, tea, lunch, etc....then he's going to find something else to be unhappy about.

Marriage is a give and take relationship, and from what I've been reading, seems to me that String is doing all the giving & her hubby is doing all the taking.

I agree whole-heartedly that it is not cool (at all) what her husband is doing. If he were a real man he'd die to himself and live for her, however that being said I have to say that it sounds like many on here are living in this 50/50 plan. Where does it say in the Bible that we are to only do for others if they do for us? I totally empathize with the OP but I have to say that no where in the Bible does it say that life on earth would be "peachy" or even "fair" though there are several references to life being hard and us having to push through it and be loving and kind to others anyway. I'm not trying to be on a soap box here but getting up at 3 a.m. is not going to harm you physically (you can do this, many people do every day) so a change in attitude and the advice given in my original response will most-likely help the situation. Don't do it for your husband if you resent him, do it for your heavenly father.

I do think that right now the OP was simply ranting and venting... that's okay, we all do it! The comment about "I knew someone would post..." showed me that again I spoke when I probably should have listened. Sorry...

Hmmm. Who's living 50/50? Since I was one of the above, I have to say I did take offense to this. I mean, you can't possible tell from these responses how anyone lives. Who says we're keeping score? I sincerely hope that's not what you think of us.

I'm not sure if you're aware, but this is an unfortunate trend for String. Naturally, she's more than welcome to vent and seek our support because we genuinely care for her. I think I'm not alone when I say I wish it would change for her AND for her husband. He has no clue what he's missing in his marriage right now! At this point her husband's behavior borders on abuse sometimes. And frankly, it's often in the name of religion; which is a sad trend in Christian marriages these days.

And there are enough of us on here who've endured trials in our marriage to know what it is to "tough it out". Of course it's not about what's fair. How do you keep score in marriage? In life for that matter. Jesus told us, "in this world you WILL have trouble". Not might, not could, not maybe - will. Guaranteed.

Yes, I believe String should pray about this (and we should stand in agreement with her as well). And yes, she should continue to submit to her husband in love. But I also believe she should do whatever she possibly can to help him to understand how hurtful his behavior is.

String, your husband is great at finding scriptural support for you in whatever issue we might be discussing on the boards here. Why not approach this situation in the same manner by showing him scripture on marriage? Speak his language. Pray about it. God will honor you.

I didn't mean to respond aggressively or however I came across. I know your intentions were good. Forgive me.

It just seems so pointless to force myself to do that and suffer more than I already am just to make him "happy" when I know him and I know he will act appreciative for a while but then it will become old hat and just another thing that is expected of me. What then? Just keep holding up a fake smile and saying yes dear? while inside I grow more and more resentful for having to do this? Yeah I know..Change your attitde. But what kind of attitude is someone supposed to have when they are draggedout of bed everyday amd made to serve someone else and sometimes even criticized for not doing it right or forgetting something...???

Its just hard to sit there and say "Sure I'll lose more sleep and go to bed at unreasonably early hours so that you will get everything the way you want while I am miserable." :grin:

I am still ranting aren't I ? I'm sorry.........

It's not good for him either to continue in this behavior. The longer it goes on, the harder it'll be for him to change.

String, I am kind of on the fence here... I don't agree that your husband should just walk on you and you should look up and say "Thank you, Sir. May I have another!" And I don't think you ahould have to bear this alone. The rub for me is this...while I think it is awesome that there is FHL for us all to come and vent on and be supported (I am looking forward to making use of this in the future). What I have seen so far is not what I would call support. We are called to shore each other up and to build your faith in God and your husband, not to add flame to the fire by encouraging negative persepectives and jumping on the DH bashing bandwagon.

Of course, perhaps I have misread, even with all the fun smilies it is hard to get a sense of intention.

On another note, I applaud the fact that you are able to get up and be coherent enough to remember being ticked at your DH. :tease:

We need rep buttons around here. Well said.

I've sorta been followin this throughout the day an I have to agree wit seige in some respects, for example, I think some of you may have missed what I believe Segie was talkin bout wit the whole 50/50 thin, it's not bout score cards er anythin, it's bout pullin the weight an I believe like what segie was sayin was, you can not have two partners each only pullin 50% of their load, that's what the whole 50/50 thin is. Marraige isn't bout a whole number of 100% it's a 200% number, an each person's gotta be pullin 100% of thier load. Other wise, for ever % that a person drops, the other person has to pick up an carry. I of course don't agree wit alot of what I've heard bout your hubby an that's what's really bad bout gittin a one sided arguement, not that you've done anythin wrong er the like, but it'd be good to git the perspective of your husband as well, otherwise no one can really truely give honest advice bout anythin. I can say though, a man that's goin to dump food would starve to death real quick round me, I cain't tolerate waste but that's not the half of it, my wife is a wonderful woman, but she's also not the greatest cook either, there's never been a time I refused to eat sumthin she's made for any reason, wether I want it er not, like it er not isn't the point, my wife went an spent er time to make sumthin for me, the least I could do is eat it.

I'm wonderin if your hubby mght be caught up in the whole Proverbs 31 woman type thin? If so that's jes truly sad, while I don't actually have a problem wit em wakin you up if it were to be partners in the mornin, but it does sound like a more of a git up an serve me type thin. What I really object to, is wakin the kids up, that jes seems brain dead to me. I've always.... er most always been an early riser an I do git a bit miffed when Sarah sleeps til nine etc, but I cain't see a reason to wake the kids up early anyways, regardless if there's a wet bed er not, I don't understand this as he's cleanin it up er anythin so what's the point?

Bout the abuse thin... I'm sorry guys, I don't really understand that one, someone would have to explain it a bit better to me cause I cain't see it as abuse, an bout lovin your spouse til they change, well... that's a bit of a catch 22 I think. Yes we should love our spouses when they are bein unloveable, cause if we didn't none of us would be togeather, an while I see the point made bout the spouse jes askin for more there's a deference in here I don't think anyones mentioned. To love a spouse who is bein unloveable at the "time" is one thin, to try an love a spouse who is bein unloveable continuosly, er a spouse who doesn't truly have a wife er a husband but a man er maid servant is sumthin completely different. I couldn't say which you have, but I see what segie is talkin bout. It's truly the same way we as Christains are sposed to act, if we act like the world, why does the world want Christ? If we act apart from the world they take notice an wanna know what we have they don't. Same thin I think applies to marraige where one spouse is makin a consious effort to love their spouse regardless, serve em if needs be etc an this will change a spouse whose not jes in it for themsef's. I do not think this works in a situation where that spouse is jes selfish an unwillin to change. To often we all git caught up in "I'll change em" when none of us can, an God can, but He won't less the person is willin to change. That's the whole free will thin.

That's exactly what I was trying to say. The 50/50 plan leaves us saying that I'm only doing this much to save our marriage then they have to come and meet me half way. God didn't act like that. He came to us 100% even though we continued (and continue) to sin. A2J is right on about the God changing people, we can't do a thing. I'm not trying to say that I don't subscribe to it at times too, but I think it's important to recognize that being selfish about our needs and what we deserve isn't living Biblically. Jesus lived for everybody else to the point of his death. We're called to be like that, even if we are persecuted (especially if we're persecuted for living like Christ). I didn't mean to offend, I simply wanted to encourage Christ-like behavior instead of joining in on supporting the OP's frustration. Once again, I'm not saying his behavior is anything close to the way it should be, I'm just saying we're all responsible for how we respond to people when we are wronged. Still prayin'...

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Hubby sounds like a good bro.