I wasn't sure where to post this. I want to talk to men and women about this, but didn't want to put it in the hang out forum because it's serious.

I posted a prayer request about this situation a few weeks ago, but now I want to talk more about how to handle this situation.

A little background...
One of my younger sisters is involved in an abusive relationship. She's been with this guy for about 4 years I think. They were living together, until he went to live in the county jail for his most recent beating.

We've moved her out of their home 3 times in the last 4 years. This last time, she got the apartment, so we didn't have to move them. He's thrown her down the stairs, punched her in the face and all over her body, kicked her in her belly when she was pregnant. The baby died a few months later, but he wasn't charged with murder because she wouldn't allow an autopsy.

This last beating was probably the most severe, since he used a lamp on her face and head. He claims to have blacked out, which is entirely possible since he's an alcholic and addict, and is very remorseful now.

OK, today is his bail reduction hearing. He's been in jail for 30 days on assault charges. No one would pay his bail so apparently they're going to reduce his bail, give him time served, and make him to go a mental health facility for an evaluation. There is a restraining order against him, and all of his stuff is moved out of the apartment so he has no logical reason to see my sister.

The thing is, my sister called me from the court house this morning. She's going to the bail hearing. Why? I don't know. She said she needs to know what's happening, to know if he gets out. Personally, I think she misses him and wants him back.

What do you say? I told her to turn around and go home. That the DA would tell her what happened. I told her she was a beautiful, intelligent woman who didn't deserve to be abused. I told her that there is someone out there who will love her and that this does not include regular beatings. She told me she didn't need to here it, and hung up on me.

It's so frustrating! She has such low self-esteem. Plus, she was once told by a fortune teller (remember she's a witch and former satanist) that she would be married once and divorced then she would find the love of her life. So she's looking for that first loser. I've been telling her for years that she can skip right over that first loser if she really thinks this is going to happen, and just wait for Mr. Right.

Anyone have any first hand experience in this? Any ideas? If you guys don't want to talk about it in the forum, email me.

Wow, it brought tears to my eyes because your sister's situation reminds me SO MUCH of what my sister went through for, I don't know....over 10 years at minimum.

As far as I know...this guy was not physically abusive, altho it wouldn't suprise me and I don't think she'd ever admit it to me if he was because she knows I'd probably kill him with my own 2 hands...:gun:. He was, however, extremely mentally abusive. He played mind games with her all the time, she finally ended up believing that it wouldn't do any good to break up with him because she was so ugly, stupid, and everything else that nobody would want her (makes me cry even now to remember it). And even tho she's happily married now to a DIFFERENT wonderful, great, awesome guy....she still has issues.

I talked to her until I was blue in the face. I came out & told her that she was hurting herself by staying with him, more than he could ever hurt her. I told her that she had blinders on but I was seeing the situation clearly. When she called me crying about things he had said to her and the way he'd treated her, all I could do was cry with her because she didn't want to hear what I had to say. Finally, I just told her (after yet another big fight of theirs) that I was her sister and nothing that happened would ever make me stop loving her, but my heart hurt everytime she was hurt. I told her that when she heard the quiet little voice telling her that something wasn't quite right, she needed to listen to it rather than push it down & ignore it. I told her that in a true, loving relationship you DO NOT hear a little voice telling you that something was wrong. Then I held her while she cried, because she still wasn't ready to let go of him. Gosh, I can't believe I still have tears to shed over this.... :(

It took a huge fight and her finding out for sure that he was cheating on her YET AGAIN for her to cut all ties & move back to Kentucky from Maryland (where she had moved to live with him). She had finally had enough.

All this to say, dear sister, that I'm afraid your sister is going to have to make this decision on her own. It's going to hurt your heart to see her continue in this relationship (if that's what she chooses) and to stand idly by....but she's gotta make the break on her own, it's not something you can force. Pray & pray some more that God will work even harder in her life.

I'll keep her and you in my prayers....:pray: :hug:

Can't speak from experience here, but you're right with what you've already told her. She should have nothing more to do with this abuser/loser and should stay away from him at all costs. She should never stick to the words of a fortune teller, either. But, some folks do and it's too late now to change what's been said to her. It's too bad she took it to heart.

I don't really know what to say or how even I would handle this situation. I'll keep you guys in my prayers.

Stockholm Syndrome is a powerful thing :(

I'm guessing it's not just about self-esteem or what the fortune teller said. There are very strong dynamics at work in abusive relationships, and sometimes the worse it gets, the tougher it is to break away.

Some info: http://www.mental-health-matters.com/artic...e.php?artID=469

Or she's afraid that if she's not there being supportive, that when he does get out he'll get back at her for it. That restraining order isn't going to do a heck of a lot of good if he decides to hurt her again.
Not meaning to be a doomsayer, but that's what I'd be thinking. "Restraining order? They can't get here fast enough..."

Thanks ladies.

I spoke to my mom. Eileen was crying that I chewed her out. Guess she didn't hear the more positive things I said, but that's nothing ususual. She told my mother she had to be there. That she loved him. So I guess this is the beginning of the next phase of abuse. I'm sure he'll be back in their apartment as soon as he gets out of jail. It sucks for him too, because he's not getting help so long as she's there for him.

Thanks for the info Mandy, I'm reading it now.

Ugh, these situations are so tough. You waffle between wanting to respect the other person's autonomy and free will; and wanting to hogtie them, throw them in the back of your car and keep them away from their abuser by force.

I find it ironic that they can stange interventions for drug addicts and alcoholics but know one thinks to do it for the victims of domestic violence. Maybe it wouldn't work that way, I don't know.

Praying for you...

Maybe because it's not an addiction (unless one also happens to be codependent). There are a lot of reasons people stay, but frankly the most common is just because it's dangerous to leave.

UPDATE


Joe got 364 days in county jail. I gues they must be a plea bargain because the sentencing isn't until next week. The prosecutor called my sister to let her know. She's beside herself. She loves him, thinks it's too severe...and I'm sure feels guilty for calling the police in the first place. We're trying to turn it around for her and show her that he'll never get the help he needs with her around. That wanting him to be with her is selfish on her part.

God willing, both of them will get the help they need in the next year.

Please keep Eileen in your prayers everyone.

Wow, I'm praising God that he got jail time....I'm keeping your sister in my prayers...