I'm not sure how many of you saw my "Diamonds" thread on CF. If not, here's the link:
http://www.christianforums.com/t2825661-diamonds.html

As always, there's a deeper meaning behind my post. In this case, I didn't want to share it on CF because the audience there is too large and I don't want to appear slanderous towards my wife.

For the past two years, my wife has been completely obsessed with having me upgrade the diamond on her engagement ring. Which confuses me for several reasons.

1. She picked her ring when we got engaged
2. We're in NO financial position to make such a purchase. At least, not now.

So I have to admit that I'm feeling REALLY bitter... and hurt. I'm trying to balance out my feelings by telling myself that this must be a woman thing and that it's something that I'll never be able to understand completely. Her current engagement ring is a 1/4 carat with a pretty reasonable quality stone on a platinum band. It cost me $2000. And I never knew her to be like this when we were dating. She never even WORE jewelry!

My wife spends every night on the computer looking at websites for diamond retailers and just gazes at the monitor looking at diamond after diamond, and pointing them out to me saying, "I like that one... I like that one too... I want one just like that..." Everytime we're at the mall, she drags me into the jewelry store so that I can have the sales people give me their pitch about buying a diamond from them and so she can have them give a negative critique of her engagement ring in front of me, as if I'm supposed to feel guilted into buying another one.

Whenever I don't respond with enthusiasm to her diamond conversations, she gets upset and goes to bed crying. She feels sorry for herself. I snapped at her one time about it last year... we were behind on some of our very basic bills (phone, etc) and she somehow found it appropriate to start talking about her diamond upgrade. I said, "Wow... they're not joking when they say that diamonds are a girl's best friend!" That comment set her off and she told me that I was a clueless and terrible husband.

I told her that she royally confuses me because whenever her mother or sister (who are on welfare) ask for her a ride to the store or anything, she'll complain to them about how poor we are and the price of gas and yadda yadda yadda. And then, in the blink of an eye, she can find the nerve to start begging for a new 1/2 carat diamond ring that's gonna bury us another $3000 into the ground.

I swore to myself never to comment on her diamond obsession again after that. She apologized a few weeks later, but was back on to her obsession just days after the apology. So I just smile and nod. Deep inside, I feel like I want to scream at her and ask her what the hell is the matter with her BRAIN.

She pulled me into yet another jewelry store last weekend and I told her that I'd buy it for her. We're about $60K in debt (mostly due to her student loans) and that doesn't even include our mortgage, but I figure that the next time we get denied for a mortgage on a new home, I'll just point at her new ring and tell her that a house doesn't matter as long as she has "bling".

To me, it feels like there's no point in waiting until we settle our debts. She mopes around feeling sorry for herself and makes these comments to make me feel like I'm less of a husband for not being thrilled about the idea of getting her a bigger and brighter diamond for her ring. And I feel as though her happiness is attached to the diamond, so until I get her a new one, she's just going to be a miserable wife and a miserable wife makes for a miserable marriage.

I'm just hoping that if I do this now, that she'll shut the hell up and move on with her life once and for all. I feel like I'm just going to have to do this with a fake smile on my face, because if I tarnish this moment for her by appearing miserable, she'll just grow resentful towards the new diamond and be on another mission for an even bigger diamond the next time around.

So as you can probably tell, I've grown to despise diamonds and the whole concept behind engagement rings. I feel as though I've developed a bitterness towards any woman who sits and chit-chats about the size of her ring and how much it's worth.

I know, I'm ranting, but I still have more to get off my chest.

I'm now beginning to question what it is that I'm responsible for.

A.) Being a romantic husband who will withstand anything for the sake of his wife's happiness (albeit superficial and materialistic)?

B.) Being a responsible and wise husband who will ignore irrational behaviour and make sure that his family is taken care of with their basic needs of food, clothing and shelter?

My wife has gone beyond the point of reasoning, and I think that I'm beginning to lose my senses as well.

I've tried explaining to her how unwise and inappropriate it would be to make a purchase like this right now. She just doesn't hear me though.. it's like talking to a wall and I just get told how unromantic I am.

And I feel as though I'm going into self-destruct mode because now I want to go ahead with applying for another credit card, making the purchase, and hoping for us to fail so that I can blame the failure on her and her DIAMOND.

I don't know what to do. Our society is so corrupted.

:eek: I feel like I just read a manuscript for a drama....

To obsess over a diamond or any other materialistic object is just WRONG. I can't help but think that if you cave in a give her one now...what will be next? Sorry, I don't even know what to say that would help anything right now. I'll be keeping you and your wife in my prayers! :hug:

yeah, I was thinking the same type of thing as Lena. What'll be next?

I can't help but think that THIS is one aspect where "submission" would come into play (at least in my case).....to answer your question in your 4th post:

IMO, THAT is your responsibility....and that should be hers as well! (being sure your family is taken care of with the basic needs)

That said, some people simply have no problem with living in massive amounts of debt their whole lives...my SIL and her DH are an example. I shudder to think of the amount they must be in debt to various stores/lenders/etc. So maybe your wife thinks that as long as you can throw it on a credit card, then what's the big deal? :dunno:

It IS being materialistic, wanting to totally change your engagement ring....it has never crossed my mind to change mine, and even if we were swimming in disposable income ( :rollseyes: ), I still wouldn't change it. It's a symbol of the future covenant the couple would be making as man & wife...IMO if you totally change & upgrade it, it's lost its meaning.

I'm sorry I don't have any major words of wisdom in this long & rambling post....in some ways, it DOES seem easier to just give in, if only to keep the peace. But then, like it's been said....wonder what the NEXT "upgrade" will be?

I couldn't have said it better myself!

Give her a lump o' coal and tell her it's the Mother of Diamonds! Was that Romancing the Stone?

to shove it up her *** and wait a while. Just Kidding!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually I want a bigger diamond or at least some more to add to mine, but I don't obsess about it. Although, I did get pregnant so that I was due in April and my husband would have to buy me jewelry with my new child's birthstone, like he did with the first one. Unfortunately, said new child came in February.

PS. I'm not usually crude, it's just been a bad month.l

My wife went through the same thing a few years back. At first I was ticked - like you Red - that she would want a new wedding ring - I mean, wuts wrong with the origional one I got you. Then.....I looked at it. It's been 10 years since I got that ring and she's changed - I've changed. That ring no longer fits with the way she is anymore. I was lucky - cuz I had the money to do the "upgrade".

One thing I did do - I handed the finances to her and said, "If you can figure out a way to make it work....fine." She couldn't. She stopped talking about it for awhile. But- when she knew it was possible...it started up again. lol

I agree with Deb about changing an engagement ring...I guess it never occured to me that someone would want to (then again I don't have one, so maybe I'm overestimating the symbolism :P ).
Truly sorry you're having to deal with this, Red...

Good call, Mandy....as far as over-estimating the symbolism thing...some people just might not put the same emphasis of the symbolism as others do...

Not that your wife couldn't be all irrational on her own, but is it possible that someone is gloating over her and making her crazy about this? Or that few years back (whenever this started), someone put a bug her ear about how she ought to have a bigger stone, or trashed the ring she has?

I guess, my bigger point is that this most likely NOT about the stupid diamond. It's about some sort inadequacy she feels that she's channeling into this diamond need. Somehow she thinks the root of her feeling of general unhappiness and low worth is her small stone and that a bigger stone will fix this. It won't. What's broken is inside of her.

I noticed that you didn't offer your wife's explaination as to why she thinks she need a bigger stone. Does she have one? Did she tell you what started her need?

My wife - as Red's wife - both worked outside the home. Given that - I know my wife sees a lot of other rings around the office. For her - it was kind of a ...."Keeping up w/ the Jones's" type of thing. Is that right? no. Is it human? yes.

I think that it was about 6 years ago that I first learned that "upgrading" engagement rings was a common practice.

I was at my first post-grad job and overheard some of my colleagues talking and they casually talking about when and how they had their rings upgraded.

I swore that I was hearing things because the idea and concept sounded so foreign to me. But then with some research I came to learn that this is something that plenty of people do.

It also explained a lot to me... because I'd look at the engagement rings on the fingers of some women that I worked with and I'd notice that they're really big... and these would be older women who had probably been married about 30 years ago when things were much more humble and modest. So I'd expect that, assuming humble beginnings, they'd have much smaller diamonds. So now I know that a lot of them are probably upgrades.

I don't know... I think that she modivates it more herself, rather than having people put it in her ear.

I have a fair assessment of the people that she has frequent dealings with, and it's not very many. She's the only married woman in her side of the family, so there are no other rings there to compare to. My cousin is recently married, but my wife's diamond is bigger than my cousin's. Her old best friend also has a diamond of similar size, but nothing worthy of envying because they pretty much look the same... but they haven't spoken to each other in over a year.

Okay, I just remembered... I have an aunt who has this hunker of a diamond. It's not an upgraded engagement ring or anything... just a ring that my uncle bought her. Not sure which bank he robbed to give it to her because both he and my aunt are unemployed. But in one of our "arguments", my wife used her ring as an example of what a husband should be striving for in what he should give his wife.

Working the cash at Best Buy, she seems to keep a photographic memory of all the female customers who go through the line and the rings on their fingers. Then she'll come home to tell me about each and every one of them. It doesn't take long before it all starts to sound like "blah blah blah blah blaaaaah"

Yes and no.

Yes, it is about the diamond because she seems to have something very specific in mind. She has a clear picture of the kind of diamond that she now wants to have and she goes from store to store to store trying to see which retailer, if any, carries it.

And no, it also may not be about the diamond, because I know that she feels unsatisfied about how we came to be as a couple.

She's never made an outright statement as to why she wants a bigger and brighter stone... but here is what I've been able to piece together from some comments that she's dropped here and there.

She feels that our engagement wasn't about us, but rather about trying to create a family for Rachel (since she was conceived and born before we got married).

She's made mention of wanting to take the current diamond and place it into a pendant for Rachel to have one day.

In retrospect, she feels that I didn't put enough effort into my proposal and money into the ring. She's caught on the "two months salary" line. She demanded to see where I was keeping the ring before I had a chance to do my official proposal, so my plans just got screwed up.

But as you've mentioned, I think that she's placing some hope into this magical diamond in that it will free her from any feelings of inadequacy that she currently holds or unhappiness that she has with our marriage.

I know we aren't the model couple, and I can accept the challenge of trying to do right by her by giving her this thing... but I just don't see why it has to be NOW. :bored:

Crazy thought, but could 'I want you to give me a bigger, better stone" mean "If you could do it all over, would you really ask me to marry you again?"

Maybe she's fixated on her dream ring as the single romantic gesture that will prove that you really want to be married to her for all those mushy love reasons and not just because you felt you ought to.

Have you told her that you WANT to buy her a better ring (maybe have a second wedding) but don't feel you have the money right now? What does she say to this?

I think that that's 50% of it. I would do anything to turn the clock back and make sure that our engagement was more traditional/conventional, etc.

But the other 50% of her intentions seem to be made clear to me whenever she gets this big grin on her face once she starts talking about the diamond and saying stuff like "bling bling!! :D My hand is gonna look soooo pretty with that diamond!!"

I've told her that I want to replace her entire engagement ring because I feel like it now haunts me and reminds me of everything that she dislikes about me and our marriage.

She says that she loves the ring, in terms of it's design, she just wants a bigger and brighter diamond. :dunno:

So, she accepts my desire to replace her ring and, at the time, will say that she's fine with me doing it. But a few days will pass and then it will be as if we never had the conversation.

What's really going on here? Did she hear that her ex-boyfriend gave someone a huge stone and now she wants you to upgrade so she doesn't feel that she let something slip out of her hands?

My wife and I are talking about renewing our vows in a few years (since this time we understand better what marriage really means) and she started talking about getting an upgraded ring. I'm not interested b/c I guess I feel like the old ones have some sentimental value. What really torques me off is that when we were discussing engagement we talked about how we wanted to buy a ring she'd always cherish and one she'd never want upgraded because we wanted it to be meaningful. I was willing to satisfy whatever her desire was in order to fill that need. I ended up spending nearly $9,000 on a near perfect 3/4 carat diamond and platinum ring set. 4.5 years later she's talking about getting another one... grrr.

That is absolutely horrible man... :(

Hey all, not sure if this thread is over and done with. I am a latecomer to this scene but I wanted to make 2 points.

1) Sorry to Redguard that you are struggling with this...consider this though. From your wife's perspective and many women, their worth in the eyes of their peers often rests on their little fingers (at least in their heads). We are constantly bombarded with images of what we should have or do or look like to be the ideal woman and this rarely matches what occurs in real life. Just my humble opinion, but this is your wife we're talking about, the woman you have pledged to uphold and I am not saying that you should go out and buy her a new rock, just to give her the benefit of the doubt.

2) As my DH (Seige) has already blown my cover I will respond to his post regarding this topic. He is a big fat liar face!!!!!!! I never said that I wanted to upgrade my ring when we renewed our vows. I just want to make the renewal as big a deal as our original wedding. Complete with new rings (for both of us) a pretty dress etc.


Anyhow-hello to all and I look forward to getting to know you all better.

P.S. To Seige, true thou art a big fat liar face, I lovest thee.

OOoooo! That's why politicians are really careful about what they say... :whistle:

:haha:

I smell another spouse fight about to start! :haha: Move over A2J & Sarah! :haha: :box:

And I thought we had the market cornered... :lol:

I'm sorry Red that your wife is fixated on the diamond thing.

My husband is blessed because I don't care for diamonds. I find them fairly impractical and if that much money was to be spent, why on that?

I was sharing with my husband about this couple I know where they weren't wealthy. When the husband bought the wife the ring when they got engaged, it was a very small diamond. He couldn't afford much. And through the 20 yrs they were married, he saved doing all sorts of odd jobs. Eventually he saved up enough that didn't impeded their modest lifestyle to afford her a beautiful 2 carat ring.

It wasn't the fact it was a 2 carat ring, but the fact that he saved for 20 yrs and did all sorts of odd jobs aside from his normal work to save up and invest for this ring. It was quite expensive, like over $30k. She referred to it as saving all his little pennies and working so hard.

She never asked for a bigger or better ring, nor implied it. He just did it because he thought she would look beautiful with it and deserved it. I thought it was such a sweet thing because there could've been many things he could've bought that he didn't over the years. It made me cry.

I'll just pray for your wife and you....sorry I'm late.