We finally managed to talk to the chaplain about marital counseling, and the first thing he did was hand us a copy of The Five Love Languages.
4jacks is smart :thumbsup:

Hold you horses there missy!! I mean, I know 4jacks loves that book & I think he even gets a kick back for all the publicity he does for it...but.....smart? Come on!! That's pushing it a bit - don't ya think?

Maybe...4jacks has a clue? :D

Easy there Mandy. Let's not go jumping to conclusions with Jacks. Maybe he's just Heather's puppet...maybe it was all her idea. Hmmm

Glad you guys finally got to talk to the chaplain....how did it go? :unsure:

Not so great, but it's complicated to explain why :( Better than nothing, I guess.

Hey, hey...c'mon now. Jacko-boy didn't WRITE the book! Don't give HIM the credit! :lol:

Does that mean you don't want to explain it? I am wondering how it went badly...

One Point???

I only get one point for that Book, that book is worth a dozen points on a BAD day ..

I'm greatly dissappointed... =(

In all seriousness though, if the both of you Read that Book, Things will get better, even if you don't CHANGE anything, the two of you will better understand a lot of things, and then if you use the book and work on things, Things will get great... NO overnight solutions, and no easy cure all, but it's a great book,

I'm really glad to hear you got it, Let us know what you think while your going through it. !!

Were you "allowed" to be honest? Is that why it didn't go well?

I got to talk to him alone, which was one of my main concerns, but I'm confused about whether or not he really understands the situation.
Good points: He told Chad that he should get rid of the alcohol and the porn, and that if he doesn't stop drinking he may be referred for treatment (goes on his record if it's involuntary). He gave him some very practical advice for quitting, and said to call if he's even stressed out by not drinking. Chad hasn't decided to stop yet, but it gave him seomthing to think about. And the computer's all cleaned up now.
Bad points: His main point to me is that I need to forgive, but he couldn't tell me what that looked like :bored: I'm very skeptical of advice that doesn't come with an instruction manual.

So put the good points and the bad points together, and you've got a situation where all of Chad's coping skills are going away (however unhealthy they may be) and I'm the focus of attention again, and if I worry about it I'm being unforgiving/uncooperative.

But anyways, I'm sure everything actually went fine and I'm just being weird right now...

I have a hard time forgiving too...

It's kinda like just building up bitterness... I especially have a hard time of forgiving someone who doesn't say they are sorry

but Love is Patient love is Kind, ..... it holds no records of wrong...

That's the hard part for me...

See for me, I just don't understand what he means. I've only heard one explanation of forgiveness that makes sense to me---that it's giving up any claim you might have on the other person, whether it be restitution, revenge, or apology. The chaplain didn't seem to agree with that explanation though, and I know Chad takes it to mean that I should not be worried or scared anymore. So I'm getting all hung up on semantics :bored:

So the guy gives you "the right answers" and .... The End ?

He isn't going to see your regularly and work you through this?

He's still seeing us, which is one reason why I think I might be whining a bit...lol. I know not everything can be dealt with or even brought up at one time. So we will see...

I think that's hard for everyone. It is possible though...It just takes time.

What am I missing about the forgiveness concept that everyone else seems to be getting?!

Nothing--Forgiveness is not forgetting , or not worrying anymore. When bad things happen to us we should forgive the person, but I don't think that we can forget. We have to be wary and keep our eyes open...but then that can work against itself in keeping us from building up trust again. Oh, I'm making my head spin--Its so confusing!!

Try to let go of the grudges and anger you are holding on to. They don't benefit anyone and will only give you wrinkles and take time off your life..For me I think that is the best way to actually get to a point of forgiveness....

For me, forgiveness is putting it behind me. There are two separate words that people have put together: forgive and forget. I think forgiveness is not forgetting, but not holding it against the other person anymore.

I used to be an expert at holding a grudge. For twenty years, I hated the people of Dublin, CA 'cuz there were a few that treated me very badly. The rest of Dublin, they were innocent bystanders. But I hated them, too. Once I learned to forgive them, I could relax and felt a great weight lifted.

Forgiving is not necessarily forgetting, but putting the matter behind you. My wife has forgiven me for my past indiscretions. She still does not trust me in those areas, however. It will take a great deal of time and honor before I can regain that lost trust.

Forgiveness means forgetting as well. If you hold on to any of it, you are giving yourself the right to pull it out of your pocket and use it against your spouse in the future. When my husband (same scenario) owned up, he had to make a choice to stop or continue. Although he stopped and grew in the Lord, I got left behind with a ton of bitterness. Witholding forgiveness only hurt myself and our marriage. I had to make a choice to forgive and work myself through the bitterness.

We should all strive to be Christlike. Our wrongdoings have been forgiven truly and remembered no more. This is indeed very hard, but it is the only way to truly forgive.

Okay, I'm not getting this.
So please tell me, for those who know the basics of my situation...what's the difference between forgiveness, forgetfulness, and rank stupidity?