How Long Were You Married Before You Had Kids? (Faith, Hope, and Love)

How long were you guys married before you had kids. Or actually more specifically before you were pregnant? Do you feel that this time alone with your spouse was invaluable? How do you think your rel;ationships would be different if you had not had this "newlywed" alone time? I mean unpregnant alone time. I know haw pregnancy totally changes your mental state, so I am curious how you would have felt if you did not have the time with your husband while you weren't in that pregnancy insanity state. How would your relationship be different if you were forbidden this time together?

We found out we were pregnant with Kat on our wedding day so technically we had no time alone together. In hindsight now I think I would have waited just because of the direction our life has taken but I think it would have been nice to have to more alone time as well. Of course I couldn't trade in my little girl for the world now that I have her.

Samy type of situation here. We were planning a January wedding, but had to have a quick one in July because I was preggo. We had no time alone together as a couple and the misery I was in made our first experience of married life miserable. We fought for the first three years of our marriage and over the last year or so things finally started looking up. I still regret not having any time alone. I think that our relationship was damaged by the stress of an unwanted pregnancy, finances, and emotional and slight physical; abuse that stemmed from the streass of that pregnancy. My daughter is about to turn 5 next month and although I do love her, I would redo that period of my life if it were possible.. Since we never really got to know each other as a married couple without hormonal imbalances, it really took a while to adjust. Sometimes I just get bitter and sad about what I lost be getting pregnant. The thing that really gets me is that I wa on the pill when I got pregnant, so its was like a double whammy. I guess that the pregnancy may have been better for me and my salvation rather than continueing living like I was, sinfully...Its still hard to not feel cheated...

Those are the consequences we live by though for having premarital sex. We only have ourselves to blame if we didn't follow the way God set things up for us. While I think I would like to delay the timing of my daughter into the world I don't think I have a right be feel cheated because it was of my own doing and I just have to come to terms with that and let it go and do the best with what I have now. Maybe the fact that you started having kids younger in life means that you and hubby will have more time on the other end after the kids are gone to enjoy your alone time :)

That is what i'm hoping...And hoping not to get prgnant again... With only the NFP to work for me--(I have since learned that all hormonal BC poses some risk of abortion so I won't use it agian)--I am quite nervous.

i do agree it is my own fault and i brought this on myself. Its just a hard pill to swallow, especially when I feel sad about what i missed out on. I hear other women talking about what fun they had when they were first married and how good it was to be with their husbands without interruption and I get envious. I need to work on that...

We cherished every moment we had before we got pregnant 5 months into the marriage. We had planned to wait a year before we got pregger, but I just couldn't wait. Especially since at that time I was babysitting my infant nephew everyday and found such joy in him that I wanted my own. One night during my ovulating cycle, I just went :eyebrows: to hubby and explained that if he wanted to, we could make our own little one....enough said. 8 months later we had Isaiah.

But our time alone before babies was awesome. We had our freedom to do as we pleased, when we pleased. It was very nice. They're now a faint memory...but they were still good times. :)

QUOTE (Lena @ Feb 16 2006, 12:21 PM)

But our time alone before babies was awesome. We had our freedom to do as we pleased, when we pleased. It was very nice. They're now a faint memory...but they were still good times. :)

For me the thing is that I want those times. We have friends at church who have been married 6 years. Still no children. I find it hard no to be jealous of what they have. I never got a chance at that and they have had it for YEARS....It hurts...I sometimes resen having so many kids--It wasn't my idea--I was tryig to avoid pregnancy all three times....Since I was trying to avoid it, it was not pleasant when I found out about being preg. I was terribly upset every time. Guess i'm just not maternal...

I'm thinking that I must have my grandmother's fertility. she had 12 children, and several miscarriages... darn genetics.. :nono:

QUOTE (Stringaling @ Feb 16 2006, 12:29 PM)

QUOTE (Lena @ Feb 16 2006, 12:21 PM)

But our time alone before babies was awesome. We had our freedom to do as we pleased, when we pleased. It was very nice. They're now a faint memory...but they were still good times. :)

For me the thing is that I want those times. We have friends at church who have been married 6 years. Still no children. I find it hard no to be jealous of what they have. I never got a chance at that and they have had it for YEARS....It hurts...I sometimes resen having so many kids--It wasn't my idea--I was tryig to avoid pregnancy all three times....Since I was trying to avoid it, it was not pleasant when I found out about being preg. I was terribly upset every time. Guess i'm just not maternal...

I'm thinking that I must have my grandmother's fertility. she had 12 children, and several miscarriages... darn genetics.. :nono:

But String you're looking at things from a perspective of what you don't have instead of what you do have! You may not have the alone time with hubby but you've got the hugs and the kisses and the giggles of your little ones. You kids are BLESSINGS that you have been given from God. How do you know that the couple who has no kids after 6 years of marriage hasn't been yearning to be blessed with children for years and you actually have what they want? I think it's awesome that even though I was sinning by having premarital sex that God saw fit to take my sin and turn it into a blessing with my daughter. What Satan use for bad God uses for good. In MY perfect plan the timing of my kids would have been different but only God has the true perfect plan and He chose otherwise.

Sarah, if I had a rep button....

That's exactly what I would've said. My kids are a GIFT from God. I could never have any other gift that would bring me such pleasure as my kids. Another thing...God giveth and God taketh away...please be careful. Having alone time with hubby is a great blessing too. But having the kids around is an even greater blessing! Symbols of your love for your hubby and you! I agree with Sarah...although your friends don't have kids, how do you know that they don't envy you for having kids?
I understand kids can be a stress some days, but more than ever, they are a joy. I just can't stress that enough. My kids are my joy. All the alone time in the world with hubby will never measure upto the time we all have together as a family. Mind you, I love my hubby dearly and would be tore in 2 if I were to lose him and some alone time is necessary....but if I had the chance, I'd never turn back the clock.

You're right, I know. The couple at church did not have kids because she was getting her masters and PhD...I guess for me it is haard to feel so blessed because I have children from pregnancies that I did not want. I was never excited about having a baby. I dreaded it every time. I was miserable, uncomfortable, depressed....I know i sound like an ungrateful wretch, but I cannot deny it. I am ungrateful when it comes to my kids. I am not the best mom I could be because I don't enjoy being a mom. I want time alone instead of "mommy mommy mommy" all day long. A2J mentioned what a beautiful thing the stretch marks represent on a woman---Not for me. I wish I could have just been a wife for a while before haavi9ng kids. i wish that having children was a decision that I got to make. I am such a pessimist.. I'm sorry for starting such a bummer theread--Just feeling down today and these things really get to me sometimes...Sorry

QUOTE (Stringaling)

I think that our relationship was damaged by the stress of an unwanted pregnancy, finances, and emotional and slight physical; abuse that stemmed from the streass of that pregnancy.

String, there's no such thing as "slight" physical abuse :( And stress is no excuse for it either.
:hug:

He has control of it now so it doesn't happen anymore---I am thankful for that....

QUOTE (Stringaling @ Feb 17 2006, 09:25 AM)

He has control of it now so it doesn't happen anymore---I am thankful for that....

Was it worse than what you posted about how he gets you out of bed? Because that's still pretty bad :hug:

He only does that in the morning when he is in a bad mood. It wasn't like what you see in the movies where the women are all scared and bruised up and broken ones or anything. He is much more in control of his anger now and works hard at not losing it anymore...Getting closer to God has helped him tremendously...and our relationship..

QUOTE

It wasn't like what you see in the movies where the women are all scared and bruised up and broken ones or anything.

It rarely is...

Maybe it wasn't because of not having alone time before kids; tempers and bad moods like that cause a lot of problems for both people involved, regardless of their circumstances.
I'm glad things are better :hug:

I know....................................I still wish I had that precious time....

Four years before I was pregnant. We were so used to not having kids, that we were thinking maybe we wouldn't have them. As a matter of fact, that was one of the things my husband said when I told him I was pregnant - I thought we weren't having kids...little too late for that thinking.

BTW, he also said - how did that happen? Are you sure? I don't believe you. And my favorite - why are you crying?

that must have been nice................................ :(

Oh yeah, I didn't answer your original question. We were dealing with crazy pregnancy hormones after we'd been married for eight months, but I miscarried.

QUOTE (Stringaling @ Feb 16 2006, 07:46 PM)

that must have been nice................................ :(

In all fairness, he was stunned. Totally didn't see it coming. Both my kids were BC babies. We laugh about it now because it wasn't like he really didn't want to have kids, he was just shocked. No one can ever prepare you for the changes that occur after a child arrives in your family. No one. And now, he wouldn't have changed a thing. He's an awesome dad.

QUOTE (LynnMcG @ Feb 16 2006, 06:49 PM)

QUOTE (Stringaling @ Feb 16 2006, 07:46 PM)

that must have been nice................................ :(

In all fairness, he was stunned. Totally didn't see it coming. Both my kids were BC babies. We laugh about it now because it wasn't like he really didn't want to have kids, he was just shocked. No one can ever prepare you for the changes that occur after a child arrives in your family. No one. And now, he wouldn't have changed a thing. He's an awesome dad.

I didn;t get to get into a stable place in my own "family" with my husband before the baby was there throwing this off...so it started out rocky and not so great from the git go...

We had, frankly, TOO MUCH time before I got pregnant. If I had been pregnant two years before we would have been spared a lot of heartache. You know how they say "idle time is the devil's play ground." Yeah, it was for me. If I had been a mommy I would have been more responsible but I wasn't.... now with David I would never do stuff as stupid as I did because I was 23 and had no children....

I was married for 4 3/4 years before I had a baby.

We were married for 4 years before I got PG....we waited until we had $$ saved up so we'd have a little "cushion" for when I quit my job....funny how quickly tha cushion disappeared!! :whistle: :rollseyes:

QUOTE (Stringaling @ Feb 16 2006, 12:29 PM)

QUOTE (Lena @ Feb 16 2006, 12:21 PM)

But our time alone before babies was awesome. We had our freedom to do as we pleased, when we pleased. It was very nice. They're now a faint memory...but they were still good times. :)

For me the thing is that I want those times. We have friends at church who have been married 6 years. Still no children. I find it hard no to be jealous of what they have. I never got a chance at that and they have had it for YEARS....

QUOTE (Stringaling @ Feb 16 2006, 01:07 PM)

You're right, I know. The couple at church did not have kids because she was getting her masters and PhD...I guess for me it is haard to feel so blessed because I have children from pregnancies that I did not want. I was never excited about having a baby. I dreaded it every time. I was miserable, uncomfortable, depressed....I know i sound like an ungrateful wretch, but I cannot deny it. I am ungrateful when it comes to my kids. I am not the best mom I could be because I don't enjoy being a mom. I want time alone instead of "mommy mommy mommy" all day long. A2J mentioned what a beautiful thing the stretch marks represent on a woman---Not for me. I wish I could have just been a wife for a while before haavi9ng kids. i wish that having children was a decision that I got to make. I am such a pessimist.. I'm sorry for starting such a bummer theread--Just feeling down today and these things really get to me sometimes...Sorry

It's funny, how we always want the opposite of what we got. Hubby and I have been married for almost 6 years too. No kids. I was getting a masters. He's getting a PhD. Lots of 'time alone', I guess...but it gets old after a while. Not being with hubby, but waiting for 'the right time' to have a baby. I feel like I'm in this endless holding pattern. Hubby and I are solid. Emotionally, we're ready for a baby - but here we are still going through the motions: day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.

I'll be honest: I hate it. You can say all you want about enjoying our freedom, at least having the choice, blah, blah, blah. After a while, it is hard to see any particular virtue in such things. It's amazing how the choice not to have kids, can make you feel as barren as if you couldn't have kids. There's the same void and ache; the same vague feeling of futility to bleeding every month, even to making love...

If only we could really appreciate the blessings in our lives! We always focus on our lack, rather than what we have. For you anyway, does it really matter anymore if you had a choice or not? You have your children now and you can choose to enjoy them and see them as a blessing or resent them for what they denied you (but really, they had no choice in the matter.) I guess, I need to remember that I really need to make peace with my decisions or reconsider them.

Reps to gracefaith!

QUOTE (gracefaith @ Feb 17 2006, 08:51 PM)

QUOTE (Stringaling @ Feb 16 2006, 12:29 PM)

QUOTE (Lena @ Feb 16 2006, 12:21 PM)

But our time alone before babies was awesome. We had our freedom to do as we pleased, when we pleased. It was very nice. They're now a faint memory...but they were still good times. :)

For me the thing is that I want those times. We have friends at church who have been married 6 years. Still no children. I find it hard no to be jealous of what they have. I never got a chance at that and they have had it for YEARS....

QUOTE (Stringaling @ Feb 16 2006, 01:07 PM)

You're right, I know. The couple at church did not have kids because she was getting her masters and PhD...I guess for me it is haard to feel so blessed because I have children from pregnancies that I did not want. I was never excited about having a baby. I dreaded it every time. I was miserable, uncomfortable, depressed....I know i sound like an ungrateful wretch, but I cannot deny it. I am ungrateful when it comes to my kids. I am not the best mom I could be because I don't enjoy being a mom. I want time alone instead of "mommy mommy mommy" all day long. A2J mentioned what a beautiful thing the stretch marks represent on a woman---Not for me. I wish I could have just been a wife for a while before haavi9ng kids. i wish that having children was a decision that I got to make. I am such a pessimist.. I'm sorry for starting such a bummer theread--Just feeling down today and these things really get to me sometimes...Sorry

It's funny, how we always want the opposite of what we got. Hubby and I have been married for almost 6 years too. No kids. I was getting a masters. He's getting a PhD. Lots of 'time alone', I guess...but it gets old after a while. Not being with hubby, but waiting for 'the right time' to have a baby. I feel like I'm in this endless holding pattern. Hubby and I are solid. Emotionally, we're ready for a baby - but here we are still going through the motions: day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.

I'll be honest: I hate it. You can say all you want about enjoying our freedom, at least having the choice, blah, blah, blah. After a while, it is hard to see any particular virtue in such things. It's amazing how the choice not to have kids, can make you feel as barren as if you couldn't have kids. There's the same void and ache; the same vague feeling of futility to bleeding every month, even to making love...

If only we could really appreciate the blessings in our lives! We always focus on our lack, rather than what we have. For you anyway, does it really matter anymore if you had a choice or not? You have your children now and you can choose to enjoy them and see them as a blessing or resent them for what they denied you (but really, they had no choice in the matter.) I guess, I need to remember that I really need to make peace with my decisions or reconsider them.

:unsure: Are you going to have a baby soon then? Break the sad pattern that you're feeling. :cry:

QUOTE (ceres @ Feb 17 2006, 09:36 PM)

:unsure: Are you going to have a baby soon then? Break the sad pattern that you're feeling. :cry:

Soon, hopefully. Maybe we can start trying by the end of the year. It comes and goes really. Sometimes are worse than others. The other day I got to thinking about having babies so far from family and I thought, "Who will come to the hospital to visit? Who will help me at home? Who will come over when I can't get the baby to stop crying?" I think having a baby without a bunch of women around the love me and usher me into motherhood might be worse than just waiting another year until we can move closer to family.

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