I get emails from a group known as "The Generous Husband" and everyday they talk about a different idea that husbands should meditate on.

A recent one spoke on sexuality and said, "Virtually all women have a fear that they don't do it well".

Is this true? As a guy, I feel as though women have it easy and that they don't have as much to worry about. And I'm only speaking of actual performance, not body image or stuff like that.

Personally, I somethimes think my husband gets bored. He gets a bored look on his face and I feel really bad that I bore him...he denies it, but.....

"Generous husband"...[low grumbling]...

[Warning: Venting of a pet peeve about to commence]

I have never feared not doing it well. To me it is about .05% about sexual prowess and 99.95% about safety, sensitivity, intimacy, trust and the willingness to laugh at yourself (otherwise known as acceptance and vulnerability.) If the .05% has a bad day, as long as the rest is there, what's the big deal?

Personally, I think the whole I idea that sex is good only when the 'performance' is spectacular is one of the most pernicious lies perpetuated by our culture today. Of course, if people weren't lying awake worrying that they stink at sex, there would be a lot of sex stores, sexperts, divorce lawyers, plastic surgery centers, and car dealerships out of business. Maybe 'performance anxiety' is necessary to our economy.

Grrrr......

:lol: at the inclusion of car dealers in the list.

Yeah, it's true. If you're lacking in one area, build up another. That's why here in Texas we have a saying about guys with big belt buckles and big trucks...

:whistle:

:haha:

Well, I admit that I kinda worry that DH will get bored with the "same old stuff" you know? That's why I try to think up "new & different" things to do every once in awhile....:eyebrows:

Yeah, but my question is: Has he ever indicated that he is bored 'with the same old stuff?' Or is your feeling that you should provide something 'new and different' an idea you gleaned from the culture?

Nope...he's NEVER indicated that, even when I bring it up (just asking him point-blank if he ever gets tired of the same old thing) he says no...so I'm sure it's totally cultural and societal...I mean, just look at the covers of some of the magazines (like Cosmo)...."Keeping your Man Happy in Bed"...."101 Ways to Please Your Man"....we're bombarded with that stuff right & left...

Hubby says he's never bored, either. So long as I "get the job done"...he don't care! :lol:

I think that's probably true with most guys, right? I mean, as long as SOMEthing happens, do they care how? Or if it's the same stuff night after night?? :huh:

Here's what I was thinking when asking the question.

Most men, during intercourse, have several things to worry about:

1. Will I last long enough without having a "premature" incident?
2. Am I making her feel good? Is she being satisfied or is she bored?
3. Will I be able to bring her to orgasm this time?

So with these things in mind, it's understandable to see why and how men can end up with performance anxiety.

So when it comes to women, I wonder if they have the same things going through their minds. As Lena mentioned, her husband says, "Just get the job done". But is getting the job done really on account of Lena? Or will her husband get to his point regardless as a matter of them having friction between their bodies for a long enough period of time?

I don't think that most women necessarily have to feel "pressure" when it comes to bringing their husbands to climax. In most cases it happens quite effortlessly.

If husbands have a complaint about their wives, it's usually them wishing that their wives were more passionate (or at least acted like it) when in bed. Hence the complaint about wives just "laying there".

I'm just thinking out loud.... but with these thoughts in mind, I really do wonder what the pressure might be in terms of performance.

Yep, see. Man, that sort of stuff makes me mad.

And you think we have it bad with Cosmo. Imagine being a guy in this culture where manliness = how good you are in the sack.

In my case this is the thing--for him, its like BAM! he's there no effort! For me--I get too tired from putting out so much effort that I give up and "don't get mine" and i'm all exhausted anyway...

Occasionally he does seem bored, but says he is not, and he gets to enjoy his climax every freakin time. Me, I don't think I have so much "performance anxiety" as..um.. other anxieties...makes the whole experience a real pain in the a** sometimes..

I hear ya, String...I don't get my "high" every time, either. But he's got no problems! I've learned too, that ya gotta work hard at it! Like exercising, you won't see any results unless you work at it.

Should we blame Eve for this one too?

May as well!

Okay, I'm pretty sure the first thing Satan cursed after the fall was the female orgasm.

You worry about whether or not you can make her have one? Think about how much she worries about whether or not she can.

It makes me a little crazy that a woman's orgasm is considered the central event and defining goal of a 'good' sexual encounter. I'm not saying that orgasms aren't great, I just don't see why we get ourselves all worked up it. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. If the rest of it was pleasing, enjoy it and better luck next time.

I just really REALLY don't get what's so hard about sex. I mean, isn't it pretty obvious when you are giving the other person pleasure? If it's not, why not ask, 'Does that feel good? What else can I do?' As long as you're communicating and otherwise in tune with each other's cues, and the rest of your relationship is being similarly nutured and attended to, I don't see how there can be such a thing as 'bad' sex.

Bad sex would be doing it even though there's this big emotional rift between two people and they're really just thinking about getting a little relief. If it feels unfufilling, like dull maintence, and she's *not* very responsive, don't blame it on performance - blame it on the greater intent and context.

[Boy, am I ranty today.]

:hug:

There, there, Grace.

Satan didn't curse the word, we brought the fall on ourselves by alloing him in and I think that when that hapen the natural balance of things was upset. Even sexual things. I personally think--with not a single thing to back me up--that before the fall men and women responded differently sexually than they do now. The drives were more balanced and arousal times were more in sync. I believe that at the fall, when things went topsy turvy that men got quicker and women got slower.. and things didn't work as well together as they were meant to...

Anybody like my theory??

Grace, I am just really curious as to why "Safety" made the top of your list.

Are you Advocating un-monogamous relationships, or do you just reguarly bring dangerous objects into the bedroom?


To the OT... I think it is important to communicate w/ your wife, tell her that you are happy with how she performs, and tell her if there is something you would like to try. Or find a nice way to ask her to do something differently.

Gerace, its not always enjoyable..Sometimes i think that I'd like to at least get something from this and then I try soooo hard and...nothing. It is so frustrating and irritating..There are times that I am actrually angry while he is laying there all comfy and "glowing".... pisses me off to no end...

I've been a fly on the wall to many conversations where women talk about their frustrations and not getting orgasms (or their husbands not making an effort to give them one) and they all sound like this.

So this is where I get my idea that orgasms are important to women and why men would see it as a defining accomplishment to be able to give his wife one.

String, I don't mean to laugh..I just have this awful pic in my head...where, oh nevermind.....

hey!! :smack:

4Jacks - Why safety? Because if you don't feel safe, you can't let your guard down and reliquish control. If you can't do that, you seriously hinder your ability to enjoy your sexuality to the fullest.

String - Good theory. I think about the same. I just think Satan gets extra glee out of the fact that we (often) find this particular issue to be such a problem.

You say that it's not always enjoyable. Is that because you never get aroused or because the lack of orgasm kills any appreciation of whatever pleasure the arousal might have brought? I mean, shouldn't it always feel good regardless of whether you go all the way? I'm not saying it's not disappointing not to, just that I refuse to let that spoil the rest of it.

No, its just not enjoyable all the time...Maybe its too quick, or emotionally I am not feeling good toward him, or I am not aroused.. Could I just say all of the above at various times?

Yeah, but see the mistake is the idea that the answer to the 'no orgasm' problem is greater sexual prowess. Rubbing in a certain spot for 20 minutes is not going to guarantee anything. Hence, my lengthy list of the 99.95% of other things more important in sex.

For example, back to Jack's 'safety' question. I think it's pretty much impossible for most women to have an orgasm if they don't feel safe and secure in their relationship with their man. Rub all you want, if she feels anxious or unsettled about the two of you, she'll never relax enough to 'let go' and let her body take over.

When a woman is left unsatisfied and she looks over at the smug man unhappily - is she upset because he didn't rub in the right places or is she upset because they are disconnected in someway? He's probably not 'doing it' for her in more places that just the bedroom.

My point is that if you're going to have performance anxiety, you ought to be having it all day long in regard to all your interactions, not just the sexual ones.

Can't it be both? Or That he didn't care enough to try to help her get there, and that he justifies it with "well, its harder for women anyway" or "You can't expect to have every time." or that he says that he cares about that ans wants it to help make it happen but his actions scream much louder than his words???
Reading about lovely ideal marriages makes me so sick sometimes. You know where both are so happy to be together all day and the days flow smoothly along, in and out of the bedroom...ugh!

Sorry--Guess I'm feeling ranty too!

On this same topic....kinda....for us women, if you DON'T have an orgasm and your DH asks if you did, or asks WHY didn't you, what do you say?

I don't have one every single time either, and I hate telling my DH that I didn't because then he'll think everything was a failure, when in fact it was more than enjoyable, I just can't seem to get him to understand that it doesn't have to happen every time!! :smack:

Hubby never asks and if he did I wouldn't lie. I'd tell the truth.

LOL - there must be something in the ranty in the water.

Of course, it can be both. My point was just that it's rarely ever *just* the performance. Lotsa other stuff play into it too...

I know that this always helps.. :lena:

I say either I'm tired...because I really am...or I'm kinda disappointed...because I really am...either way, he rolls over and goes to sleep. :lena: (Haven't used that in a while!) I can tell him straight out after he's "finished" that I could still use a little action...nope. He goes to sleep because he's too wore out. :lena:

LOL! String! Great minds think alike! :lena:

Wow! This is a great discussion. I agreed wholeheartedly with all of gracefaith's posts..... except for the fact that I like the big O-- a lot.

:thanks:

I think safety is important too... if you feel safe and comfortable with the other person and you can communicate what you need or what is not working.

And amen to that! You gotta do better than that.... :booyah:

Yup you're a better woman than I. This man would get beat. That and/or he would get NO sex until he got his 'tude together.

But don't take this as advice because I know I am too fiesty sometimes :doh:

I've been tempted to suddenly pull away and say I'm done.. tell him this is what its like for me....see how he likes it...

Shame on me..

yeah, right? Sometimes it just gets annoying & that's when I speak up or at LEAST move so we can change positions....

So..... is it still safe to say that it's true that women have performance anxiety? Or is this false?

I wouldn't think so. Maybe to a tiny extent, but since he is gonna enjoy getting his climax regardless..I don't think there is really much performance anxiety on the side of women.